Do You Love Me?

I have struggled many times now, wondering if Jesus and Heavenly Father love me as much as they love -you. As I was reading tonight I prayed again, "Do you love me as much as you love them?" Immediately, quietly and tenderly I heard, "I send you Brian." 

It's true. He does. He sends me back my deceased best friend when I need him. I feel his closeness and know he's there. 

He loves me. I've been angry for so long in my heart. I've been hurting that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ would take away my best and truest friend and companion I had ever had, but He is kind enough to send him back to me, almost daily, to comfort me, testify and teach me and sometimes just "be"with me. How foolish I have been. 

It was good to be reminded. 

Do You Feel Worthy? REALLY?

Something wonderful happened to me the other day. I don't wish to announce it to the world so let it suffice that I had been wanting an "object" for some time. I prayed about it to make sure I wasn't being greedy, and then one of my younger daughter's reminded me to,"send it out into the universe," because a goal isn't a goal unless written down with a date and specific details. It's just a dream. Well, I followed her advice and did so. That very day as my family and I went looking for this "thing" again, a small miracle happened and we found ourselves in possession of said object.

It was a wonderful surprise. I was shocked. But then I started to weep, then cry. I did not feel I was worthy of such a gift from my Father in Heaven. I felt guilty, confused, selfish, spoiled and sad. Yet, I didn't feel it was a bad choice. (Hard to articulate.) I wondered if I, me, little me, deserved such a thing. My husband was very confused and said we could get rid of it. This was not what I wanted to hear. But, since he does't speak "girl"I decided to translate my girl language for him. I needed to be reassured that I was good enough to have nice things.

I wondered if I had done any good…as the LDS hymn goes, "Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? Have I cheered up the sad or made someone feel glad?…"Had I done anything like this to be worthy? Was Heavenly Father blessing me? I had a hard time accepting that. (#223 Have I Done Any Good?) 

So I cried a lot that night. My husband assured me and I had my own spiritual assurance as well. However, as soon as I felt the judgement from a loved one or friend, ouch. The adversary would tell me I didn't deserve anything nice.

Well, Satan- you're wrong!

Let's look at the differences between self worth and self-esteem with some help from Ardeth….=)

"Self worth cannot be earned. It is a part of our divine nature as children of God." (Ardeth G. Kapp, "Doing What We Came To Do" p. 15)

(It's interesting how you can read a book and then feel the need to go back and find what you need. So, here's a whole whack of quotes from her book, cuz I need to quote them for me and for you.)

"Feeling loved, with an assurance of our infinite worth, has a tremendous effect on our ability to accept and love others."

" The source of all righteous love is centred in God. A feeling of who we were, who we are, and who we will always be. We did not come to this earth to gain our worth; we brought it with us." 

"Worth is constant and unchanging. It is a fact that worthiness does not determine wort. You cannot sin enough to change your worth to the Lord who loves you. In Jacob 2:21 this principle is explained very clearly: 'And the one being is as precious in his sight as the other."

(check out Psalm 49:8, Alma 31:35 and Isaiah 13:12 as she suggests, to find a little evidence)

"Self-esteem is defined as 'a confidence and satisfaction in oneself' (Meririam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary). In other words, it's your perspective of yourself…Circumstances of life appear to have a tremendous influence on self-esteem, to the extent that people who have been verbally, emotionally or physically abused may even respond as they have been treated…That's a challenge we all face - to not allow our perception of ourselves to be negatively impacted by the way we might sometimes be treated."

(Italics and bold added by me =)

"God loves all of you! From your eyelashes down to your toenails, He sees marvellous perfection. When He looks at you, He does not complain and say, 'Oh, I'd like you better if you had fuller lips and caramel highlights.' That never enters His mind."(Precious in His Sight, Seeing Yourself as God Sees You by Jodi Marie Robinson p. 38…this is another book worth discussing)

So, I have been blessed with many wonderful blessings. My children, my two husbands, (one on either side of the veil), health, wisdom, increasing talents, new experiences, and new "things". Even though that woman at the gym this morning was without body fat, I will think about her on the inside (which probably has no body fat either! haha Just kidding.) I will love my curves and my all my edges* and I will try to remember that I already have worth. My self esteem is my perspective of myself and I will love myself and that should transfer into loving others more. I have already seen a bit of this which I explained in my previous post entitled Summer Milestone. Now if we could just be happy for each other and not jealous….
well, good luck on this journey!!

*(John Legend "All of Me" song )

Summer milestone

This summer has held some firsts for me. My first child got married this summer. I turned a "milestone" birthday this year. I also didn't have as hard a time with Brian's anniversary of his death. It still was a very sad day, but not as hard as the years before. (Tomorrow also marks the 4 year anniversary of the day we cremated Brian.) I also travelled on my own and did many things in that regard that I had never done before. Phew! I must finally be growing up! 

Truth is, my young life was one where I didn't learn as much independence and gain as much self esteem as I could have and so I continue to try new things, learn new things, discover new talents and better myself as much as possible. Don't get me wrong, I definitely face head on, the worst person who puts me down constantly - me. I need to learn to tell that "me" to take a hike! 

Okay, here's a picture of me at my surprise birthday party. My husband threw it for me and I was so…well, surprised! It was by far the best birthday I have ever had. He even sang one of "our" songs in front of everyone. I was very touched. 

Now, I realize my thoughts are everywhere. That is because it is late…my hubby was able to get the computer fixed and I am so eager to write to you all.

The biggest milestone for me this summer was JOY. And I think I know why. Yes, time heals all wounds. And yes, time has passed. Months ago while I had a brief pause in my daughters wedding plans, I heard (and this was my spirit hearing his) Brian. The veil was very thin immediately after he passed so it was sweet to hear him again. This time however, he told me to "Love Kevin more." And that was it. This really ticked me off. This was like he grabbed my heart and squeezed. I felt he was ditching me. I felt he was eager to move on and I was holding him back from some type of Heavenly duty. I was angry. (I have been working on my grieving anger so this just added another layer). Of course, I prayed about it and told Heavenly Father how much this hurt and to please help me understand it and love Kevin more. Well, as much as any woman hates to admit that their spouse is right, can you even begin to imagine how it feels to admit your dead husband is right? ;) I found my thoughts were even kinder at times toward Kevin. (Silly that I would even notice that) but the biggest moments were: 1. on my birthday and 2. on our family reunion trip this summer

I had assumed when I turned 40, (ahhh I can't believe I just admitted that to the world! Oh well, let's just be honest with each other, shall we?) I would have a break down. Brian never was 40, he would never be 40 and I was never older than him. This used to cause me great devastation. Yet, here I was, having a peaceful day, a happy day with friends and family who loved me. Kevin had sacrificed so much for me to have a wonderful birthday. (And ladies, I even went shopping earlier that day for jeans and found some that fit me perfectly!! Whoo hoo! How often does that happen? Hey?) And, then he sang. He is not a singer (nor am I, though I try) and he sounded awesome. How can he not, when singing from the heart?

The second memorable moment was on our trip, most especially one specific day. My thoughts were very loving and tender for Kevin that day. "My cup runneth over, with love. We spent our day laughing and having fun like little kids. We would paddle board together out into the lake and try hard to splash or see who could make the other fall off and then giggle in the water. Nothing fancy, just fun. We smiled more at one another, were more courteous and thoughtful and the day was fantastic, (this is how every day was with Brian. If you knew us together, you know it's true.)

This was what I was afraid of. Letting Kevin in to my special "inner circle"of Brian like love. There are circles but the inner circle is the one closest to my heart. This circle is most precious to me and I didn't want anyone else in there. Truth be told, silly me, that circle will always be Brian's special circle but I have discovered that Kevin now has his own inner circle.

Brian, you were right. To my reading friends, have you put two and two together yet? When I loved Kevin more, my heart had to kick out some of the grieving to allow in more love. My hurting is lifting because I am loving more. This journey isn't over. Now my heart is bigger to allow more love for more people. It is sad that I had to experience tragedy in order to learn how to love better. 

I would love to hear your stories of how love has healed your heart. Send me an email. 

Now because I think my puppy is adorable I had to include him in this blog…hahaha

May God Bless you as you go forward in faith, continuing your journey! 

what happens when the wedding is over?

Well, the wedding was, (as I have heard from the guests), like pins on pinterest. I will have to post pictues later since my keyboard isnt working to allow us to log on.


She looked more beautiful than I could even put into words. I felt so old watching my baby girl getting married. I was happy she is marrying into a great family and has a wonderful man who truly cares for her and is tender with her. But, then the day is over, the decorations put away, Bride and Groom gather their suitcases for the honeymoon, hug us goodbye and drive away... the house is still in caos and so is my heart and mind. And not just me either. We cry with memories of her growing up, and all the silly things that drove me crazy...socks on the floor, nail polish spills, messy room...I miss it all and I find an empty hole in my heart as we transiton from me being in charge of her care everyday to her being cared for by her husband everyday with a little mom on the side. I wasnt prepared for this, and yet I was. I feel it was too soon. I wasnt ready to give her up. I know I probaly never would be. The trials we have faced together, especially the passing of Daddy, has drawn us closer than might be expected. I feel excited for her to begin her journey, her own life, but as her Mommy, I want to protect her inside this little bubble and never let her get hurt, know that she is home tucked in bed and safe, kiss her soft face, make her wake up early, eat good food, exercise...ahhh the lfie of a mom. I must have forgotten when I came to earth that this would be hard. How on Earth does Heavenly Father do it? Saying goodbye as we leave His presence and travel to this world? Mind you, time is on His side and not nearly as long as it feels to us.

I am not wollowing in sadness right now, just reflecting.

As I continue to reflect...I feel I should write this down for those moments when I wonder what my purpose is...

As of late I have discovered that people from my far far distant past have contacted me over the years to have me listen,  give comfort and advice. If you are reading this and one of them was you, you're not the only one!! It makes me feel of use in this world to be able to help, even in some small measure. So, I thank you for helping me realize I have more purpose than laundry! lol

Maybe you too can start to recognize some of the reasons you are here. I believe everything happens for a purpose. I know people have been put into my life at specific times for specifc reasons. Perhaps you were the one who showed me which way to go in the ariport!

(I'm thinking I am so reflective because today is my bday and older is supposed to be wiser, right? haha)

Here's wishing you may all be happy in your journey today...