Always Remembered

This past holiday marked another birthday without Brian. With prayer, and much talking about him over the years, Brian's absence becomes more tolerable. We went to one of the hills we used to go to, ate his most favourite cheesecake and spent time with friends and family that remembered him and honoured him. It was a pleasant day.

Our now missionary boy. 

 Happy birthday to my Brye. He would have been 41.

Our silly and most loveable dog.

My hubby being silly 

Good Golly Miss Molly we have been busy since then! If you remember we had one daughter get married last summer and this New Year's Eve another daughter got engaged! So wedding plans are in full force once again. 

Just over a week ago we sent our one and only son (not including the new son in law of course) off on his mission! (He's in the top picture). Wow. That was really difficult for us. He is serving in the Cordoba, Argentina mission for 2 years for our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He was so excited to go, but there were some strong emotions as we all said goodbye for now. He is a sweet and gentle yet strong and loyal boy who will learn so much and rely on the Saviour so much; returning a man in 2 years. Missionaries get set apart. For the time they serve, they no longer listen to secular music, or watch TV (including sports) they can only call home twice a year but can receive letters and emails weekly. Now we leave him in the Lord's hands and eagerly "see" the growth and development of his testimony. Phew.

The paths we take decide our journey…

Angels & Accidents

Last week my husband was coming to give me a hug before he left to pick up our daughter from ballet. I felt this urge to pray for his safety. (I haven't felt that way for Kevin; anxious for his safety. I felt like that daily with Brian. One could say that my spirit must have know that he would one day tragically die.) This feeling surprised me a little and I could have easily ignored the feeling since I was decorating cookies. I obeyed the prompting of the Spirit and said a prayer. As he was leaving and while he was out I prayed 2 or more times. I continued on with my cookie decorating.

Sometime later my daughter came in and said that I needed to go see Kevin, that he wanted to speak to me in the garage; that they had gotten in an accident. I thought she was joking since she is one to stress out and she was taking this lightly. Regardless, I went and sure enough our new vehicle was damaged. They had been rear ended.

I was calm. I didn't even get mad, nor have I since. (Who was this person? haha) When I returned to the kitchen I began reflecting. It was just a vehicle. I was so grateful that I wasn't in the hospital praying for their lives. I wasn't receiving bad news and having to plan a funeral (like before). They were safe. Not a big deal.

I was impressed with so many thoughts all at once by the Spirit. They were safe because of prayer. Angels are sent to protect. Maybe it was Brian? I then had a wonderful impression/experience that he had indeed been sent to keep them safe and all because I had heeded a prompting from the Holy Ghost.

Wow. How many other fabulous blessings are happening all the time that go unnoticed?

Maybe this week we can count our blessings in our journey, the obvious and not so obvious ones…?

By Small and Simple Means are Great Things Brought to Pass

I hear more often than not about people blogging (or posting in other social media), about their wonderful lives and how this can be depressing to read and compare. This is because as human beings we tend to compare someone's best (or pretended best) to our worst when we feel down, and just the opposite is true when we feel proud or dominate.
I have also viewed a few blogs briefly that are negative and offensive. These drag me down and do nothing to uplift, or inspire me.
This being said, I have often contemplated what to write. I want you, my readers and friends to realize that I am human too and although I have a different life that you, I still struggle, have challenges and trials but try my best to rise above. I do not feel like posting, (nor do I think I should) when the adversary is lying and deceiving me and making me feel terrible about myself and my life's situation.I wait for the challenge to end, or until I have resurfaced from it and then post.

On that note, I have been going deeper and deeper into a dark hole for some time now. I come out, feel like I can handle the challenge, find words of comfort that do inspire and lift me, but until I choose to DO something to make a change, nothing will change. Case in point: I have been dealing with anger now. (Grieving has stages that you go through and I daresay that you can go back and forth between them for years.) Anger towards my Saviour and my Heavenly Father for taking Brian home. It had started to penetrate my whole being. My countenance, my weight, my attitude toward life.

I was praying. I was reading good books. (From time to time) and reading my scriptures, but oh so briefly. A combination of things occurred. First, I saw my little girls kneeling beside their beds one night and checked myself. I felt guilty for I had not knelt to pray for ages. I simply crawled into bed and prayed there. It started as a kneel in bed and then turned into a lazy lay down prayer. I am not saying that I wasn't heard but I wasn't showing the respect and reverence, nor was my prayer as focused as it could have been. But I was hit and miss with changing myself. I was too angry to want to. Then I  listened to a conference talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, entitled Make Exercise of Faith Your First Priority. He says,

    "The first tool is prayer. Choose to converse with your Father in Heaven often. Make time every day to share your thoughts and feelings with Him. Tell Him everything that concerns you. He is interested in the most important as well as the most mundane facets of your life. Share with Him your full range of feelings and experiences.

Because He respects your agency, Father in Heaven will never force you to pray to Him. But as you exercise that agency and include Him in every aspect of your daily life, your heart will begin to fill with peace, buoyant peace. That peace will focus an eternal light on your struggles. It will help you to manage those challenges from an eternal perspective."

I realized I must DO something. I was a person of strong faith, so what was I thinking? Letting the adversary destroy me? I knelt in prayer. I showed Heavenly Father that I was willing to DO something differently. It wasn't a big thing, but it changed my spirit. I also started to study my scriptures instead of just reading them. I would have a question, or an idea in my head so I would look up in the topical guide and find appropriate verses to study. "By simple things are great things brought to pass." Alma 37:6

The third change came just two weekends ago. I had prayed to be enlightened while attending Stake Conference at church. The final speaker was our Stake President. He spoke of our Saviour in Gethsemane. He told of how the Saviour, even Jesus Christ himself, felt every sin and pain ever inflicted on humankind. How He bled from every pore. Then our Stake President said that the Saviour had wept. I was not surprised by this, but when he said that Jesus was a sensitive man, that touched my heart. I have met only a few sensitive men. They were and are strong, mature, loving and respectable men. I began to see the Saviour in a new way. Yes, He is God, but He was also a man. I came away desiring to know Him on a more personal level.

This past week my anger is lifting immensely. I feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost and it's promptings. I feel lighter. I see more of my blessings. I still have my trials. I still face the same daily issues. Life is the same but my perspective is changing more and more for the better. 

I just hope my faith and testimony haven't taken such a beaten that I stumble and fall too hard when the next set of challenges and trails come. 

As I tell my kids, "All things happen for a reason." I look forward to feeling happiness in abundance again. I look forward to getting to know Jesus as a real person. 

May you find peace and happiness in your journey. =)

    

Do You Feel Worthy? REALLY?

Something wonderful happened to me the other day. I don't wish to announce it to the world so let it suffice that I had been wanting an "object" for some time. I prayed about it to make sure I wasn't being greedy, and then one of my younger daughter's reminded me to,"send it out into the universe," because a goal isn't a goal unless written down with a date and specific details. It's just a dream. Well, I followed her advice and did so. That very day as my family and I went looking for this "thing" again, a small miracle happened and we found ourselves in possession of said object.

It was a wonderful surprise. I was shocked. But then I started to weep, then cry. I did not feel I was worthy of such a gift from my Father in Heaven. I felt guilty, confused, selfish, spoiled and sad. Yet, I didn't feel it was a bad choice. (Hard to articulate.) I wondered if I, me, little me, deserved such a thing. My husband was very confused and said we could get rid of it. This was not what I wanted to hear. But, since he does't speak "girl"I decided to translate my girl language for him. I needed to be reassured that I was good enough to have nice things.

I wondered if I had done any good…as the LDS hymn goes, "Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? Have I cheered up the sad or made someone feel glad?…"Had I done anything like this to be worthy? Was Heavenly Father blessing me? I had a hard time accepting that. (#223 Have I Done Any Good?) 

So I cried a lot that night. My husband assured me and I had my own spiritual assurance as well. However, as soon as I felt the judgement from a loved one or friend, ouch. The adversary would tell me I didn't deserve anything nice.

Well, Satan- you're wrong!

Let's look at the differences between self worth and self-esteem with some help from Ardeth….=)

"Self worth cannot be earned. It is a part of our divine nature as children of God." (Ardeth G. Kapp, "Doing What We Came To Do" p. 15)

(It's interesting how you can read a book and then feel the need to go back and find what you need. So, here's a whole whack of quotes from her book, cuz I need to quote them for me and for you.)

"Feeling loved, with an assurance of our infinite worth, has a tremendous effect on our ability to accept and love others."

" The source of all righteous love is centred in God. A feeling of who we were, who we are, and who we will always be. We did not come to this earth to gain our worth; we brought it with us." 

"Worth is constant and unchanging. It is a fact that worthiness does not determine wort. You cannot sin enough to change your worth to the Lord who loves you. In Jacob 2:21 this principle is explained very clearly: 'And the one being is as precious in his sight as the other."

(check out Psalm 49:8, Alma 31:35 and Isaiah 13:12 as she suggests, to find a little evidence)

"Self-esteem is defined as 'a confidence and satisfaction in oneself' (Meririam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary). In other words, it's your perspective of yourself…Circumstances of life appear to have a tremendous influence on self-esteem, to the extent that people who have been verbally, emotionally or physically abused may even respond as they have been treated…That's a challenge we all face - to not allow our perception of ourselves to be negatively impacted by the way we might sometimes be treated."

(Italics and bold added by me =)

"God loves all of you! From your eyelashes down to your toenails, He sees marvellous perfection. When He looks at you, He does not complain and say, 'Oh, I'd like you better if you had fuller lips and caramel highlights.' That never enters His mind."(Precious in His Sight, Seeing Yourself as God Sees You by Jodi Marie Robinson p. 38…this is another book worth discussing)

So, I have been blessed with many wonderful blessings. My children, my two husbands, (one on either side of the veil), health, wisdom, increasing talents, new experiences, and new "things". Even though that woman at the gym this morning was without body fat, I will think about her on the inside (which probably has no body fat either! haha Just kidding.) I will love my curves and my all my edges* and I will try to remember that I already have worth. My self esteem is my perspective of myself and I will love myself and that should transfer into loving others more. I have already seen a bit of this which I explained in my previous post entitled Summer Milestone. Now if we could just be happy for each other and not jealous….
well, good luck on this journey!!

*(John Legend "All of Me" song )

Summer milestone

This summer has held some firsts for me. My first child got married this summer. I turned a "milestone" birthday this year. I also didn't have as hard a time with Brian's anniversary of his death. It still was a very sad day, but not as hard as the years before. (Tomorrow also marks the 4 year anniversary of the day we cremated Brian.) I also travelled on my own and did many things in that regard that I had never done before. Phew! I must finally be growing up! 

Truth is, my young life was one where I didn't learn as much independence and gain as much self esteem as I could have and so I continue to try new things, learn new things, discover new talents and better myself as much as possible. Don't get me wrong, I definitely face head on, the worst person who puts me down constantly - me. I need to learn to tell that "me" to take a hike! 

Okay, here's a picture of me at my surprise birthday party. My husband threw it for me and I was so…well, surprised! It was by far the best birthday I have ever had. He even sang one of "our" songs in front of everyone. I was very touched. 

Now, I realize my thoughts are everywhere. That is because it is late…my hubby was able to get the computer fixed and I am so eager to write to you all.

The biggest milestone for me this summer was JOY. And I think I know why. Yes, time heals all wounds. And yes, time has passed. Months ago while I had a brief pause in my daughters wedding plans, I heard (and this was my spirit hearing his) Brian. The veil was very thin immediately after he passed so it was sweet to hear him again. This time however, he told me to "Love Kevin more." And that was it. This really ticked me off. This was like he grabbed my heart and squeezed. I felt he was ditching me. I felt he was eager to move on and I was holding him back from some type of Heavenly duty. I was angry. (I have been working on my grieving anger so this just added another layer). Of course, I prayed about it and told Heavenly Father how much this hurt and to please help me understand it and love Kevin more. Well, as much as any woman hates to admit that their spouse is right, can you even begin to imagine how it feels to admit your dead husband is right? ;) I found my thoughts were even kinder at times toward Kevin. (Silly that I would even notice that) but the biggest moments were: 1. on my birthday and 2. on our family reunion trip this summer

I had assumed when I turned 40, (ahhh I can't believe I just admitted that to the world! Oh well, let's just be honest with each other, shall we?) I would have a break down. Brian never was 40, he would never be 40 and I was never older than him. This used to cause me great devastation. Yet, here I was, having a peaceful day, a happy day with friends and family who loved me. Kevin had sacrificed so much for me to have a wonderful birthday. (And ladies, I even went shopping earlier that day for jeans and found some that fit me perfectly!! Whoo hoo! How often does that happen? Hey?) And, then he sang. He is not a singer (nor am I, though I try) and he sounded awesome. How can he not, when singing from the heart?

The second memorable moment was on our trip, most especially one specific day. My thoughts were very loving and tender for Kevin that day. "My cup runneth over, with love. We spent our day laughing and having fun like little kids. We would paddle board together out into the lake and try hard to splash or see who could make the other fall off and then giggle in the water. Nothing fancy, just fun. We smiled more at one another, were more courteous and thoughtful and the day was fantastic, (this is how every day was with Brian. If you knew us together, you know it's true.)

This was what I was afraid of. Letting Kevin in to my special "inner circle"of Brian like love. There are circles but the inner circle is the one closest to my heart. This circle is most precious to me and I didn't want anyone else in there. Truth be told, silly me, that circle will always be Brian's special circle but I have discovered that Kevin now has his own inner circle.

Brian, you were right. To my reading friends, have you put two and two together yet? When I loved Kevin more, my heart had to kick out some of the grieving to allow in more love. My hurting is lifting because I am loving more. This journey isn't over. Now my heart is bigger to allow more love for more people. It is sad that I had to experience tragedy in order to learn how to love better. 

I would love to hear your stories of how love has healed your heart. Send me an email. 

Now because I think my puppy is adorable I had to include him in this blog…hahaha

May God Bless you as you go forward in faith, continuing your journey! 

what happens when the wedding is over?

Well, the wedding was, (as I have heard from the guests), like pins on pinterest. I will have to post pictues later since my keyboard isnt working to allow us to log on.


She looked more beautiful than I could even put into words. I felt so old watching my baby girl getting married. I was happy she is marrying into a great family and has a wonderful man who truly cares for her and is tender with her. But, then the day is over, the decorations put away, Bride and Groom gather their suitcases for the honeymoon, hug us goodbye and drive away... the house is still in caos and so is my heart and mind. And not just me either. We cry with memories of her growing up, and all the silly things that drove me crazy...socks on the floor, nail polish spills, messy room...I miss it all and I find an empty hole in my heart as we transiton from me being in charge of her care everyday to her being cared for by her husband everyday with a little mom on the side. I wasnt prepared for this, and yet I was. I feel it was too soon. I wasnt ready to give her up. I know I probaly never would be. The trials we have faced together, especially the passing of Daddy, has drawn us closer than might be expected. I feel excited for her to begin her journey, her own life, but as her Mommy, I want to protect her inside this little bubble and never let her get hurt, know that she is home tucked in bed and safe, kiss her soft face, make her wake up early, eat good food, exercise...ahhh the lfie of a mom. I must have forgotten when I came to earth that this would be hard. How on Earth does Heavenly Father do it? Saying goodbye as we leave His presence and travel to this world? Mind you, time is on His side and not nearly as long as it feels to us.

I am not wollowing in sadness right now, just reflecting.

As I continue to reflect...I feel I should write this down for those moments when I wonder what my purpose is...

As of late I have discovered that people from my far far distant past have contacted me over the years to have me listen,  give comfort and advice. If you are reading this and one of them was you, you're not the only one!! It makes me feel of use in this world to be able to help, even in some small measure. So, I thank you for helping me realize I have more purpose than laundry! lol

Maybe you too can start to recognize some of the reasons you are here. I believe everything happens for a purpose. I know people have been put into my life at specific times for specifc reasons. Perhaps you were the one who showed me which way to go in the ariport!

(I'm thinking I am so reflective because today is my bday and older is supposed to be wiser, right? haha)

Here's wishing you may all be happy in your journey today... 

green shakes

So, my journey as of late…anger. I have found myself angry at my dead husband a lot. (Poor guy, there's no rest for him on the other side of the veil, is there? ;)
I have had a great week and a terrible week at the same time. Some terrible challenges are here and will continue in my future but I also have had some wonderful things come too. One of which was listening to my husband (yes, my new and very much alive husband) tell others how much he loves me and why. Him standing by my side, loving me, sometimes defending me, sometimes protecting me makes our love stronger. So, that was very refreshing!
Now, having said this, it doesn't mean that when I heard the following song on the radio that my heart didn't break all over again.

I will see you again Carrie Underwood

Also today was a great work out! Did I mention that I am now a fully certified personal fitness trainer! Whoo hoo! I did it! So, my fellow training and wonderful friend and I had a magnificent work out. This is what I ate post training! It looks gross and it was yummy!

Found it at fitness magazine.com

I forgot to take the pic as I was kinda hungry…oops! =)

Journey well friends! Make good choices as this determines your future. =>

Video

Someone shared this with me. It's exactly how I felt for the first 2or more years of my new marriage

Here's the link: http://youtu.be/Tyj0hZrYJnI

I just want you to understand

My closest friends have said I should be more honest with how my days truly are, how my life really is. What do I feel? What have I gone through? Well, that is, "easy for them to say. I want to share with the world my difficulties in order to help someone else, but I also want to share my triumphs with others too. Why is it so hard to be "real"? Because not everyone is ready for it, and some (more than I wish to say) get their feelings hurt.

It has been boiling down to this: me being willing to take the plunge. I figure those that were sitting on the fence, or being somewhat forced to be a part of my life due to the change is circumstances will either grow closer because they understand and care, be oblivious, or they will distance themselves. All the other people like this have already left my life in judgement. Some have been furious and others are seeming to make their way back.

Truth hurts. I hurt. My kids hurt. We hurt when others forget that we are still healing and ignore the look of pain in our eyes when they talk about Daddy's, death, fires, fire trucks, airplane crashes, birthdays, baptisms, Christmases, Halloweens, weddings etc. We trust that for the most part people aren't naturally trying to be mean. The truth is, if I had been 75 years old and my husband had died, I would have been treated differently than I am. But I am young & my children are young.

Brian is on the left.

Our children. My children. I love them so deeply. The accident shifted my heart in ways I did not expect. Yes, I loved them before, but I have to admit I loved Brian deeper. He was the only one who truly loved me unconditionally. He was always there, and he treated me like a Queen. When He died I went through a difficult time of wanting to be where Brian was and no one on earth could change that feeling. I had never been loved before like Brian loved me. (I have no siblings, and my family is…distant.) (Those who have suffered the loss of someone close are not shocked by this fact. Stages of grief, my friends… stages of grief.) When these feelings subdued, I recognized a deeper love for my girls, and a much deeper sense of protection.

So, my children and I have a new life, a new home, a new church family and a new family;  a blended family at that. On paper it sounds uncomplicated but it has so many layers. I see how we (and they) try to fit in, but we always miss the mark. We are loved but not the same way. My joys and that of my children are not reciprocated as equally and this hurts but if you say anything then our hurt becomes greater, deeper, as others attack you for the way you feel. We need to talk and let everything out, but now-a-days there are few left to listen (unless you pay them to, I guess).

So, today I sit with exciting news inside my heart, but a deep sadness that I cannot share wholeheartedly. A sadness that this joy may be addressed briefly while others' news may take precedence. This is often the case. (Being hurt, means being sensitive.)

I was told by a Dr. that the best medicine is to be the best person you can be every day and that the healing would work itself out. I have been, silly! He doesn't know me except for a few minute sessions, but that's okay. I agree with that philosophy.

Today

My motivation today was the dentist and groceries. Get those done and perhaps make some time for me and study my fitness trainers programme. (yes, still!) I felt the need to blog and so I am taking me time to do to just that. I still feel like a cloudy day, but I am not genuinely unhappy. The drive to take care of my kids and my family keeps me running, and today I will run again as soon as the kids get home, until 8 pm tonight. I have only allowed my children to be involved in one extracurricular each, but this still keeps me hopping.

Someone from my church ward texted me, which I thought was super sweet. I have been feeling like I have no friends ever since we moved; feeling very alone.  I do extend myself and make an effort. (The irony here is that whenever I say this out loud, people think I am joking. They have said I look like I have it all together--the prefect life. I have people who are jealous of me. Crazy. They don't want the life I have led. What are they thinking? I have to work super hard to be strong, courageous and still vulnerable so that my heart does not go hard. Maybe I make it look easy. hahah ;) Seriously, I am laughing a funny laugh here.)

So, what does your day look like for you? Are you struggling too? Reality is-we all are. Can we try to love one another for our differences? I am trying to love those who have turned their backs on me and continue to hurt me. I know they don't understand.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (of which I am a part) held it's 184th General Conference this past weekend. I heard this talk and loved it. I will watch it and read it again. Right now I share it with you.

Here's the link:  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf LDS General Conference

I am not pretending. I am trying hard to be happy on this journey! Join in?

=)

Another testament of the Plan of Salvation

Our Angel: Round About to Lift Us Up

Three years ago today I stood with my girls beside a wooden box. Tears filled our eyes and ran down our faces. Grandpa (Brian's Dad) stood stiff as a board; trying hard not to show any feelings. Perhaps not wanting to break down in front of my little girls. We were given markers to write our feelings of love and tenderness; our goodbyes on the box. That's when I felt him standing beside me. I was overcome with peace. How could I cry tears of sadness in missing Brian when I felt him so strongly by my side? I could not. I was warm. I was comforted. I knew Brian existed in some new form. He was lifting us up, supporting us in this - the most difficult time of our lives.
Pressing the big red button was really tough though, even with Brian there. So difficult. So very difficult. This was my beautiful husbands remains from a terrible flying accident where his body was burnt. And here I was sending what was found in the rubble back into the flames: his tall, slender body, his tender hands, his fast running feet, his strong bike riding legs, his dark curly hair, gentle hazel eyes with flecks of gold. (What was really left of him laying in that box, I did not know. I was told it was his torso.) I watched as the box made its way down the conveyor belt until the metal door closed. How is it possible to be at your most painful grief-stricken moment in your life and to also feel peace? Brian was with us the whole time.

He is still their Daddy. He still loves them and cares about what they learn and who they become. He is still his father's son. They have now been reunited. His is still my eternal companion, one of my very best friends. And even though I have faith that we will both be reunited again and both be resurrected as the Savior's Atonment promises, I still miss him. The tears are fewer and far between but I will always miss him. Until we meet again - Brian is our angel.

The Plan of Salvation

Why I have an eternal family.

Families Can Be Together Forever

Angels are around us to bear us up. - Just like My Brian is to us! =] 

Plane crash survivors. 

Brye's Airplane Crash & our Trip There

I have thought about it and just feel the time is not yet to post any crash site pictures. However, I will share with you some other moments from our trip.

We landed in Abbotsford airport, (man, that has got to be my favourite airport! I could never get lost in that one! ;) - to the fresh smell of trees, flowers, and farm. (hee hee)

Front of terminal

Backside of terminal

(I know that some fellow Conair people took my Brian here for lunch when he first came up.) 

The following morning the chief pilot and good friend to my late husband, Brian - and now new and dear friend to us,  (we will call him Mr. A) gave us another tour ...

[Inside one of the hangers looking at this huge beast, - which I believe is one of their Canadair CL215T's that can scoop up 5455 litres of water in 12 seconds! In a very small opening.]

A view of more CL215T's while taxing- in the co-pilot's seat. 

…and then soon after Mr. A took us up in a Piper Aerostar PA-60. 

the Piper Aerostar

inside the cockpit of the piper

Kevin took this one of me up front and this rock formation.

The weather was good, the threat of rain held back while we took to the skies. There was a bit of smog. It was the following day when the moisture came. Kevin and I got caught in this shower and were soaked from head to toe once we dropped off the car (that our friends were so kind to lend us) and ran to the terminal. It was such a sweet, warm rain that it has now become a warm fun memory.

The car we borrowed…just kidding!

 Mr. A explained that the Herc's (Hercules) were all taped up to protect them while they sat there…resting :)

(told you there were farms close by…)

A smoggy but otherwise beautiful mountain view.

Just look at those mountains by the runway. No wonder Brian was so excited to work here.

I was given a blessing - during the flight I was calm and at peace. I wondered where Brian was. I knew he wouldn't miss a chance to be in an airplane! I looked over and saw Mr. A shiver and let out a breath. He didn't say, I didn't ask, but I am sure he felt Brian too, sitting right up front with us.

Afterwards, in the parking lot was when my first tearful explosion hit. Kevin was there to hold me close and let me cry it out. There have been other moments, of course, of tears and pain. Seeing the life I was so close to enjoying, in the place we so wanted to be, with people I am sure we would have connected with and become great friends with. 

I am grateful to Conair and Mr. A for allowing me the opportunity to see this holy place. A place where Brian left his mortal existence and entered into a more holy sphere. I am grateful to my husband Kevin who is far more understanding than 90% of the world. He has no jealousy. There is no threat to him when I cry. He has big strong shoulders for me to rest my head on. He "gets it". 

Thanks also go out to Mr. A's family who are always so generous and kind, and to new friends we met while there, (the mechanic who worked on Brian's plane, in fact.) 

I know that love is truly God's greatest gift. 

Here are some more photos you may enjoy...

Take a look at this airplane about to touch down...

Voila!

The cadets were up in gliders that day too.

Close to the crash site.

A favorite rock formation of Mr. A. Kevin and I thought it was pretty fantastic too.

Kevin and I stopped here at the Sweet Spot Cafe in Mission, B.C. 

Just a look at how wonderfully lush this neighbourhood was. 

So, with each day (and each mistake I make) I try a little harder to forgive, a little harder to make things right, with a hope for others hearts to be soft and open to do the same, so that we may all...

Be Happy in Our Journey

Changes

May 15th, 2010. Old flight confirmation. Mrs and Mrs Brian Tilley. Abbotsford, BC.

I had no idea that was the date of our house hunting in BC. How fun it was to fly out for the day together.

We are heading that way again. So close to the exact date. We couldn't have planned it if we tried.

We are flying over the crash site.

I need to see where he took his last breath. I want to imagine what it was like. How he may have felt before trouble occurred. I am so proud of him and how he bravely sacrificed his life for others. There are so many men and women who put their lives on the line daily. I have a much better appreciation for them now.

This is Brian's first flight. 

I may post pictures of the site upon my return. I haven't decided yet. 

On another note…

It's the changes in life that mark the passing of time. 

Our daughter graduated. Holy Smokes! She looked so beautiful, (which made me feel so old standing next to her).  Her dress was modest, her hair in a romantic updo. She looked elegant and graceful. She literally glowed from the inside out. Her outstanding boyfriend was by her side. A true gentleman.  An evening to always be remembered.

And…

it's LANDSCAPING TIME!!

 Here is what our front looks like now. I can't wait to show you what it will look like soon. So many flowers…I love flowers!

My Story

I apologize to all of you for not blogging sooner. I have been riding the wave of grief. Having trouble getting out of bed. Not doing my make up. Just wasting my time on a silly game. (It helped me not to think.)  So I heard a friend say she was reading someone else's blog about their grief. This made me think it was about time to stop pretending that my life is painless and full of pleasantries. This time I am using my blog to share my personal story. It is real. I am real. My pain is real. I live with heartache everyday….

Ok. So, here I go. I am terrified. .  (terrified of your judgement, I have had soooo much of it) I hope to bring comfort to others who are walking this path of grief. I hope to help those around me and those who just "don't get it". This is personal. This is MINE. No one's grieving is the same. I don't want advice. The advice I've had has NOT been helpful. Instead, it has hurt me more. The judgements I have faced are so very hurtful…

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His Last Flight

I watched Brian pack up his bags, and dismantle his bike. Placing all in the back of a small rental car. Black T-shirt, khaki shorts and flip-flops I bought him, heading to British Columbia with his Dad (who would return on his own shortly). Brian praised me and my smarts for being able to figure out how to put the racks on top of the van, without the assistance of him or his Dad. (That was so like him. So loving, so praising.) I felt so sad to see him go. (I always felt this way when he left; always anxious about his safety and his return.) This time was different. He gave us all a long hug and kiss, told us that he loved us. Told the girls, "Be good for Mom, ok?"

 He had taken on a new job. Leaving behind his flying job here in the city in Alberta where he was third in charge. Chief pilot. Brian always said that flying was so much safer than driving and that I need not worry. This new job was indeed dangerous. He would be flying water bombers, flying low and putting out fires (sorry, I am crying)…in the mountains of B.C. He would work 4-5 months and then have the rest of the year to be with me.

We had so many many plans.

We had recently flown out for the day  (an amazing date together) and found a home close to his new job. We put an offer on it. We were in the middle of building a new home. So, here we were with two houses to sell. We didn't care. We had always wanted to move to B.C. I was ready to give away all the girls winter clothes and buy rain gear, (something told me to wait).

We Skype called every day. Sometimes 2-3 times. We phoned each other constantly. Shared numerous emails, with sweet loving words. He looked sad to be away. More so than I had ever seen him. One day he said, "That was a close one, Nettie. I didn't think we were gonna make it."

Our 10 year anniversary came. It had been raining so very much. There and here. (Later, I was told it was a record breaking rain fall that year, hardly any fires…hmmm) He wasn't flying much. He tried to come home, and had made arrangements with another pilot to switch. Someone's feelings must have gotten hurt, and he was told no. We Skyped. He told me he had a surprise for me. I hoped it was him coming home. 4 little girls is a lot on my own. Nope. He was sending flowers.

"No way Brye. I don't want them unless you are hand delivering them." This would be the last flowers he would ever send me.

The rains continued.

July 31, 2010. I Skyped him. Emailed him. I was meeting director friends and we were going to plan a future project. I told him his wife had to be there and he respected that. (I valued my marriage to Brye so much as to not be alone with another man) When I got home I had an email from Brye telling me he missed me and to check this website. It would show him in flight. When I checked it, something didn't seem right. His plane wasn't moving like the others. I didn't understand it. I couldn't reach him. I said my prayers and for once in my entire married life I "forgot" to pray for my Brian's protection. (I did this up to ten times a day.) I believe the Lord could not answer that plea as Brian was already dead when I went to bed. I believe I was "made to forget". Perhaps, Brian was watching me pray? I dunno.

Brian's Dad lived with us and had a form of emphysema. He went to go pick up our oldest daughter from work. I was asleep. She had heard on Grandpa's radio that there had been a plane crash with the company Brian worked for. When they returned home, she had to persist that he call to confirm. They did. Grandpa did not want to tell me. So, my young teenage daughter made her way to my room.

"Mom, there's been an accident." I bolted up, expecting it was Grandpa and his emphysema. Her next words I will never forget.

"It's Dad. He's dead."

My girls tell me they woke up because I was screaming. I don't remember this. I picked up my phone and called Brian's cell. It rang. I was able to leave a message. (odd, I know) I asked him if he was ok. I may have even asked him if he was dead. I had to hear his voice. I had to know. I then called the last number in my phone. (Since I had no coherent thoughts to find any other number) and phoned a member of our bishopric. I requested a priesthood blessing. I KNEW Heavenly Father would tell me right away and I would not be left guessing if Brian was hurting somewhere. In the blessing, Heavenly Father did confirm my worst fears.  (If you feel to listen to the song, 'I Want You to Live' by George Canyon, that is pretty close to my story.)

I was sitting on the couch. My second oldest daughter suddenly said, "I see Dad!" I turned to look out the window, thinking he was outside and that this was all such a terrible mistake. But, no, how could he be in BC and now home? My mind, spirit and body felt so unaligned. The pain was so unbearable. I could hardly breathe. I shook so violently. The skin under my chin never felt so tight as it did in those weeks from crying so hard that tears could not flow.

She proceeded to say Brian was in the corner. That he was glowing. He was all white. He had no glasses on. She could only see him from the neck up. I asked her what he was doing. She said he was making faces at me in order to make her laugh. He was giving her the thumbs up sign. I have since had many wonderful spiritual experiences of my own. Each dear and tender, confirming that God is a God of miracles and that He DOES exist the same today as He did eons ago.

I did not sleep.  I waited to call the other pilots he knew, as I wanted them to get their rest so as not to put their flying at risk. I had to call so many many people and tell them that my Brain was dead.

I have had to release forms from our dentist in order to confirm his body. There was nothing left of the other pilot, I am so sorry to say. Brian's torso remained. I had to read the coroner's report of what his body had endured and what was left. So much pain. I read and reread Transport Canada's report and had to give my opinion, and any suggestions into the accident. This report was in great detail. It was like living the accident through his eyes. I felt Brian beside me during these moments. Helping me to understand. Helping me write my response. (With great prayer I received help. Many of my remarks have been put into action and others are being considered by the board).

I, at 34 with four little girls, the youngest was 3, had to plan my husband's memorial. I was denied many requests. I tried to please my extended family. They were not pleased. I paid out of my pocket for expenses not covered for the memorial. I had to ask my friend (who has business in the funeral home industry) to go and pick up Brian's remains.

I had to stand with my girls and Grandpa beside a wooden box with what was left of my Brian, their Daddy. We wrote notes of love on the box, and then I had to press a big red button and send him into the incinerator to be cremated. Ouch.

I had to go through his things. Pack them up. His toothbrush. His shirts. They still smell like him. Books he read, the last page his eyes ever gazed upon, love letters, and cards, pictures, our last Christmas together, our last bike ride, picnic, swim, hike, hopscotch with girls…

Brian's family was helpful, at first. Then, much damage was wrought. In order to not be hurtful myself…let's suffice it to say that much damage was done. I have learned that when people grieve, there is much anger and wanting to blame someone for their pain. I was the object of much abuse due to hurt and loss.

Brian's memorial was beautiful. I knew it was outlandish for him. But, funerals, memorials, they aren't for the dead. They are for the living. For those left behind. I knew others needed this. (Brian's body didn't make it to the service, he was still being retrieved.) Everyone wore their uniforms, be it fire, police, airline, or bicycle courier. He had hundreds and hundreds of people come. I stood, with the help of some kind family members, and shook hands/hugged all that came to see me. Hundreds and hundreds of people. The firemen had a truck outside, their colour guard stood at the door. I remember holding my head high, being so proud of my husband and wanting to look so much stronger than I felt. I was too young to be a …widow! The colour guard escorted me and my girls to the front of the chapel. My shoulders felt so heavy. Wonderful words were said about how great my Brian was. (and is) Afterwards, we let balloons free into the sky, a symbol of his ascending into heaven and his last flight.)

I was 95 lbs. I hadn't eaten in days. I didn't drink. I felt like I didn't deserve anything good. Nothing sweet ever again. My 'sweet' had died. I felt I could never enjoy life again. I was sleeping on Brian's side of the bed, to be close to him. I was wearing his shirts, sweats and socks. I remember waking up, the sun was finally shining through my window. I rolled over to feel it's warmth. Opening my eyes, I thought, oh yes, finally, the sun is shining. Thinking I had dreamed all that bad, and then the crushing weight on my heart when reality sunk in to remind me, that no, this was not a dream, but that this awful nightmare was now my LIFE! My best friend, my love, my companion for life and for eternity, my romantic, funny, sweet, strong partner, my everything, the only love I had ever truly loved so deeply, so true, with such a rare and tender relationship like no one I knew enjoyed…was gone.

I had no money. We had no insurance. My husband had filled in all the health questions for our insurance on our home that was being built, but had absent mindedly checked off the "no" box. Well, Royal Bank was quick to say "No" to granting builder's insurance to a window. I had no coverage, no insurance to cover the new home being built. I had no job, no credit rating. I would have been in big trouble with the bank on this new home. Luckily, Brian had some insurance through his new job. I asked for help, got some help from church but then was denied.  (The church is perfect, the people are not, my situation was a new one for my ward, they did the best why knew how). I could have lost my home. Comfree was so gracious, they came and took down my "For Sale" sign on the home we were living in and gave me all my money back. My dream of moving to BC was dead. (All my dreams were dead. I could see no future.) Later, however, I had to sell this home of love that Brain and I had built together, lived in, had children, tenderly planted and cared for our garden, our yard…the home we made many memories in.

The hurting continued. There were moments when I truly, literally thought my heart would break.

People generously gave to the "Tilley girls trust fund". If that was you, thank you. We needed that money to survive at first.

I prayed to never need a man. To survive on my own. To never need a hug or kiss from a man. To become less of a woman. To be a robot, I suppose. I desired to be like Pres. Uchtdorf's Mom. To be a single mom. (Again! My first husband cheated on me and left me and my first daughter when she was 3) I could do it. At least, I thought I could.

Then along came Kevin. I had many spiritual confirmations, as did all my friends around me, that he was to take care of me and my girls. And, I tell you, he came not a moment too soon. (This is where my extended family got ugly to say the least. They were/are hurting too) The Lord knew I should not be alone, nor my girls.

I wish to say, with much reluctance, but I feel it should be said…for those who judge, for those who care to help others who grieve. Before marrying Kevin, I just wanted to be with Brian. My pain was so great that I could not think even about my sweet, beautiful daughters. I wanted to die. I would drive recklessly, I would walk in the dark where big construction trucks were driving, I would dump out pills and stare at them. It isn't easy to hurt yourself when you feel your angelic husband watching you from the other side of the veil. It's very embarrassing. (For those who feel this desire to die, to hurt yourself, be strong. Pray with great earnest. It WILL pass. Have faith. Mine has. It is a natural desire to be with those who pass. Ride the tidal wave of grief. The waters are supposed to get calm again.)

Kevin is great. He truly is. Being a widow doesn't mean you stop loving your husband. Remarrying after death is not anything like a divorce. You SHOULD still talk about them. I have been told to stop talking and just listen, to close my mouth. That being a friend to me is a burden. Did you really think this was helpful? Well, I lovingly say it is not. Talking heals. I am riding this wave again. Some waves are small and some are tsunami big. Because of my pain and hurtful words, I sit alone. I miss my friends. Where have they gone? I am afraid to make all new friends. No one I know is a widow as young as me, with 4 small children. This makes it hard to bond. I feel old beyond my years.

I have had so many changes. I lost Brian, our home together and the home we were building together, family, friends. I live in a new home, a new community, a new church ward in the building that Brian's memorial was held (every sunday I see the memorial all over again in my mind, every Sunday I see the temple we were sealed in) Grieving doesn't end in one year, or two or three. We don't just pick up and "move on". We need you. We just need to talk. We don't need advice, just a listening ear, a hug, a walk, a shopping day. We need to take time to take care of ourselves. Please don't judge this as selfishness. We need to fill the well before we can give water to anyone else.

I live with a hole in my heart everyday. I ache every day.  (As I've said before, a person who loses their arm will heal, but until the resurrection, their own arm will still be gone. Until I am reunited, I will still have hole). Somedays are better than others. The waves come. They do. I hate water! (Rain, waves..that's a little bit of humour, by the way) Kevin makes this life so much easier to bare. He helps me every day. He is patient, loving, kind, generous, he loves my and Brian's children. He is grateful to Brian for me.  He listens. He knows I love Brian, but (and I am hoping I make this clear to those who have difficulty understanding) just like I do not love one child more than another, I love both men in my life. Kevin gets this. I hope others can too. Brian is my little girl's Daddy, always will be. He is a part of our life. Why should he not be?  Kevin - I wouldn't have made it without him.


Lyrics to "I Want You to Live" by George Canyon

When she got the news
The phone hit the floor
She fell to her knees,
And cried his name

He had just kissed her lips,
And both of the kids
Their lives will never be the same

The end of her hardest day
The only words she could say were,
I want you to live,
I want you to love,
I want to go back to the way it was,
To hear you say my name again,
I want to see your smile again
I want you to live

It takes all of her strength
To go through his things
It feels like she's holding him again
The letters he wrote, books that he'd read
And some of his shirts still had his scent
The picture in Florida
She holds to her heart and cries out loud

I want you to live,
I want you to love,
I want to go back to the way it was,
To hear you say my name again,
I want to see your smile again,

Lying awake in the middle of the night
Trying not to let the kids hear her cry
She prays for an answer, some little of sign
And closes her eyes
And swears she hears him say,

I want you to live,
I want you to love
I want you to go on and not give up
I want you to live,
I want you to try,
I want you to know that I'm alright

I want you to fall in love again
I want to see you smile again
And again,
I want you to live