My closest friends have said I should be more honest with how my days truly are, how my life really is. What do I feel? What have I gone through? Well, that is, "easy for them to say. I want to share with the world my difficulties in order to help someone else, but I also want to share my triumphs with others too. Why is it so hard to be "real"? Because not everyone is ready for it, and some (more than I wish to say) get their feelings hurt.
It has been boiling down to this: me being willing to take the plunge. I figure those that were sitting on the fence, or being somewhat forced to be a part of my life due to the change is circumstances will either grow closer because they understand and care, be oblivious, or they will distance themselves. All the other people like this have already left my life in judgement. Some have been furious and others are seeming to make their way back.
Truth hurts. I hurt. My kids hurt. We hurt when others forget that we are still healing and ignore the look of pain in our eyes when they talk about Daddy's, death, fires, fire trucks, airplane crashes, birthdays, baptisms, Christmases, Halloweens, weddings etc. We trust that for the most part people aren't naturally trying to be mean. The truth is, if I had been 75 years old and my husband had died, I would have been treated differently than I am. But I am young & my children are young.
Our children. My children. I love them so deeply. The accident shifted my heart in ways I did not expect. Yes, I loved them before, but I have to admit I loved Brian deeper. He was the only one who truly loved me unconditionally. He was always there, and he treated me like a Queen. When He died I went through a difficult time of wanting to be where Brian was and no one on earth could change that feeling. I had never been loved before like Brian loved me. (I have no siblings, and my family is…distant.) (Those who have suffered the loss of someone close are not shocked by this fact. Stages of grief, my friends… stages of grief.) When these feelings subdued, I recognized a deeper love for my girls, and a much deeper sense of protection.
So, my children and I have a new life, a new home, a new church family and a new family; a blended family at that. On paper it sounds uncomplicated but it has so many layers. I see how we (and they) try to fit in, but we always miss the mark. We are loved but not the same way. My joys and that of my children are not reciprocated as equally and this hurts but if you say anything then our hurt becomes greater, deeper, as others attack you for the way you feel. We need to talk and let everything out, but now-a-days there are few left to listen (unless you pay them to, I guess).
So, today I sit with exciting news inside my heart, but a deep sadness that I cannot share wholeheartedly. A sadness that this joy may be addressed briefly while others' news may take precedence. This is often the case. (Being hurt, means being sensitive.)
I was told by a Dr. that the best medicine is to be the best person you can be every day and that the healing would work itself out. I have been, silly! He doesn't know me except for a few minute sessions, but that's okay. I agree with that philosophy.
Someone from my church ward texted me, which I thought was super sweet. I have been feeling like I have no friends ever since we moved; feeling very alone. I do extend myself and make an effort. (The irony here is that whenever I say this out loud, people think I am joking. They have said I look like I have it all together--the prefect life. I have people who are jealous of me. Crazy. They don't want the life I have led. What are they thinking? I have to work super hard to be strong, courageous and still vulnerable so that my heart does not go hard. Maybe I make it look easy. hahah ;) Seriously, I am laughing a funny laugh here.)
So, what does your day look like for you? Are you struggling too? Reality is-we all are. Can we try to love one another for our differences? I am trying to love those who have turned their backs on me and continue to hurt me. I know they don't understand.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (of which I am a part) held it's 184th General Conference this past weekend. I heard this talk and loved it. I will watch it and read it again. Right now I share it with you.
It has been boiling down to this: me being willing to take the plunge. I figure those that were sitting on the fence, or being somewhat forced to be a part of my life due to the change is circumstances will either grow closer because they understand and care, be oblivious, or they will distance themselves. All the other people like this have already left my life in judgement. Some have been furious and others are seeming to make their way back.
Truth hurts. I hurt. My kids hurt. We hurt when others forget that we are still healing and ignore the look of pain in our eyes when they talk about Daddy's, death, fires, fire trucks, airplane crashes, birthdays, baptisms, Christmases, Halloweens, weddings etc. We trust that for the most part people aren't naturally trying to be mean. The truth is, if I had been 75 years old and my husband had died, I would have been treated differently than I am. But I am young & my children are young.
Brian is on the left.
Our children. My children. I love them so deeply. The accident shifted my heart in ways I did not expect. Yes, I loved them before, but I have to admit I loved Brian deeper. He was the only one who truly loved me unconditionally. He was always there, and he treated me like a Queen. When He died I went through a difficult time of wanting to be where Brian was and no one on earth could change that feeling. I had never been loved before like Brian loved me. (I have no siblings, and my family is…distant.) (Those who have suffered the loss of someone close are not shocked by this fact. Stages of grief, my friends… stages of grief.) When these feelings subdued, I recognized a deeper love for my girls, and a much deeper sense of protection.
So, my children and I have a new life, a new home, a new church family and a new family; a blended family at that. On paper it sounds uncomplicated but it has so many layers. I see how we (and they) try to fit in, but we always miss the mark. We are loved but not the same way. My joys and that of my children are not reciprocated as equally and this hurts but if you say anything then our hurt becomes greater, deeper, as others attack you for the way you feel. We need to talk and let everything out, but now-a-days there are few left to listen (unless you pay them to, I guess).
So, today I sit with exciting news inside my heart, but a deep sadness that I cannot share wholeheartedly. A sadness that this joy may be addressed briefly while others' news may take precedence. This is often the case. (Being hurt, means being sensitive.)
I was told by a Dr. that the best medicine is to be the best person you can be every day and that the healing would work itself out. I have been, silly! He doesn't know me except for a few minute sessions, but that's okay. I agree with that philosophy.
Today
My motivation today was the dentist and groceries. Get those done and perhaps make some time for me and study my fitness trainers programme. (yes, still!) I felt the need to blog and so I am taking me time to do to just that. I still feel like a cloudy day, but I am not genuinely unhappy. The drive to take care of my kids and my family keeps me running, and today I will run again as soon as the kids get home, until 8 pm tonight. I have only allowed my children to be involved in one extracurricular each, but this still keeps me hopping.Someone from my church ward texted me, which I thought was super sweet. I have been feeling like I have no friends ever since we moved; feeling very alone. I do extend myself and make an effort. (The irony here is that whenever I say this out loud, people think I am joking. They have said I look like I have it all together--the prefect life. I have people who are jealous of me. Crazy. They don't want the life I have led. What are they thinking? I have to work super hard to be strong, courageous and still vulnerable so that my heart does not go hard. Maybe I make it look easy. hahah ;) Seriously, I am laughing a funny laugh here.)
So, what does your day look like for you? Are you struggling too? Reality is-we all are. Can we try to love one another for our differences? I am trying to love those who have turned their backs on me and continue to hurt me. I know they don't understand.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (of which I am a part) held it's 184th General Conference this past weekend. I heard this talk and loved it. I will watch it and read it again. Right now I share it with you.
Here's the link: President Dieter F. Uchtdorf LDS General Conference
I am not pretending. I am trying hard to be happy on this journey! Join in?
=)
I also really loved that talk. Another one that touched me profoundly was from Elder Bednar in the same session.
ReplyDeleteLove you lady. :)
Thank you my Sweet Friend!
ReplyDelete