I hope everyone had a pleasant Mother's day. I know some of you get down on yourselves on this day. Never fear, I would think that all good Mom's want to be better. (If you feel you need improvement, well sista...we all do!)

There is a hymn we sing at church, (Oh My Father), that reminds me that we have a Heavenly Home. That one day when God calls us back, we will be reunited with a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother in a warm embrace. Remember, this is us, attending school, getting the best grades possible and then returning home. So, if you need improvement, or your own Mom does...there's hope and there's a Mom waiting for you who loves you more than we can understand.

So, for Mother's Day, one of my little girls saw this cute idea on the internet...it is not my own, but there are many out there to choose from.  I used cream soda pop and a cake mix for the cupcakes, and a swiss meringue icing. These little critters just wanted to fall off no matter how many toothpicks were inserted. I believe the trick to this bouquet is to eat it fast!

Swiss meringue icing 

We actually used 3 toothpicks. I stabbed them and then placed them on the bouquet, then iced them. haha! but no, they still fell off.

The finished project until we drove to Grandma's and two fell off. 

So, I chose to have a great day, and I did. I am seeing that happiness is a choice...happy journey to you!

Angels & Accidents

Last week my husband was coming to give me a hug before he left to pick up our daughter from ballet. I felt this urge to pray for his safety. (I haven't felt that way for Kevin; anxious for his safety. I felt like that daily with Brian. One could say that my spirit must have know that he would one day tragically die.) This feeling surprised me a little and I could have easily ignored the feeling since I was decorating cookies. I obeyed the prompting of the Spirit and said a prayer. As he was leaving and while he was out I prayed 2 or more times. I continued on with my cookie decorating.

Sometime later my daughter came in and said that I needed to go see Kevin, that he wanted to speak to me in the garage; that they had gotten in an accident. I thought she was joking since she is one to stress out and she was taking this lightly. Regardless, I went and sure enough our new vehicle was damaged. They had been rear ended.

I was calm. I didn't even get mad, nor have I since. (Who was this person? haha) When I returned to the kitchen I began reflecting. It was just a vehicle. I was so grateful that I wasn't in the hospital praying for their lives. I wasn't receiving bad news and having to plan a funeral (like before). They were safe. Not a big deal.

I was impressed with so many thoughts all at once by the Spirit. They were safe because of prayer. Angels are sent to protect. Maybe it was Brian? I then had a wonderful impression/experience that he had indeed been sent to keep them safe and all because I had heeded a prompting from the Holy Ghost.

Wow. How many other fabulous blessings are happening all the time that go unnoticed?

Maybe this week we can count our blessings in our journey, the obvious and not so obvious ones…?

By Small and Simple Means are Great Things Brought to Pass

I hear more often than not about people blogging (or posting in other social media), about their wonderful lives and how this can be depressing to read and compare. This is because as human beings we tend to compare someone's best (or pretended best) to our worst when we feel down, and just the opposite is true when we feel proud or dominate.
I have also viewed a few blogs briefly that are negative and offensive. These drag me down and do nothing to uplift, or inspire me.
This being said, I have often contemplated what to write. I want you, my readers and friends to realize that I am human too and although I have a different life that you, I still struggle, have challenges and trials but try my best to rise above. I do not feel like posting, (nor do I think I should) when the adversary is lying and deceiving me and making me feel terrible about myself and my life's situation.I wait for the challenge to end, or until I have resurfaced from it and then post.

On that note, I have been going deeper and deeper into a dark hole for some time now. I come out, feel like I can handle the challenge, find words of comfort that do inspire and lift me, but until I choose to DO something to make a change, nothing will change. Case in point: I have been dealing with anger now. (Grieving has stages that you go through and I daresay that you can go back and forth between them for years.) Anger towards my Saviour and my Heavenly Father for taking Brian home. It had started to penetrate my whole being. My countenance, my weight, my attitude toward life.

I was praying. I was reading good books. (From time to time) and reading my scriptures, but oh so briefly. A combination of things occurred. First, I saw my little girls kneeling beside their beds one night and checked myself. I felt guilty for I had not knelt to pray for ages. I simply crawled into bed and prayed there. It started as a kneel in bed and then turned into a lazy lay down prayer. I am not saying that I wasn't heard but I wasn't showing the respect and reverence, nor was my prayer as focused as it could have been. But I was hit and miss with changing myself. I was too angry to want to. Then I  listened to a conference talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, entitled Make Exercise of Faith Your First Priority. He says,

    "The first tool is prayer. Choose to converse with your Father in Heaven often. Make time every day to share your thoughts and feelings with Him. Tell Him everything that concerns you. He is interested in the most important as well as the most mundane facets of your life. Share with Him your full range of feelings and experiences.

Because He respects your agency, Father in Heaven will never force you to pray to Him. But as you exercise that agency and include Him in every aspect of your daily life, your heart will begin to fill with peace, buoyant peace. That peace will focus an eternal light on your struggles. It will help you to manage those challenges from an eternal perspective."

I realized I must DO something. I was a person of strong faith, so what was I thinking? Letting the adversary destroy me? I knelt in prayer. I showed Heavenly Father that I was willing to DO something differently. It wasn't a big thing, but it changed my spirit. I also started to study my scriptures instead of just reading them. I would have a question, or an idea in my head so I would look up in the topical guide and find appropriate verses to study. "By simple things are great things brought to pass." Alma 37:6

The third change came just two weekends ago. I had prayed to be enlightened while attending Stake Conference at church. The final speaker was our Stake President. He spoke of our Saviour in Gethsemane. He told of how the Saviour, even Jesus Christ himself, felt every sin and pain ever inflicted on humankind. How He bled from every pore. Then our Stake President said that the Saviour had wept. I was not surprised by this, but when he said that Jesus was a sensitive man, that touched my heart. I have met only a few sensitive men. They were and are strong, mature, loving and respectable men. I began to see the Saviour in a new way. Yes, He is God, but He was also a man. I came away desiring to know Him on a more personal level.

This past week my anger is lifting immensely. I feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost and it's promptings. I feel lighter. I see more of my blessings. I still have my trials. I still face the same daily issues. Life is the same but my perspective is changing more and more for the better. 

I just hope my faith and testimony haven't taken such a beaten that I stumble and fall too hard when the next set of challenges and trails come. 

As I tell my kids, "All things happen for a reason." I look forward to feeling happiness in abundance again. I look forward to getting to know Jesus as a real person. 

May you find peace and happiness in your journey. =)

    

Happy Thanksgiving

The thought occurred to me that I should perhaps start off with a pumpkin pie link, seeing as it's Thanksgiving here. I have not yet tried it-as I am sitting here, at our campsite, reading and reflecting.

The leaves are a plethora of beautiful colours, the evergreen trees sit majestically on the mountais with happy little orange and yellow surprises amongst them. The sun was shining and the mountain sparkled when the light rested upon it.

This is part of my reflection. When The Son rests upon us, if we are patiently obeying, how much of His light will reflect and sparkle from us?

I have been fighting a battle again. This has been ongoing for sometime. It snuck in until it grew too large to be ignored. Anger. When you mess with evil feelings they grow larger and can invite more unwelcomed feelings too. Hurt. Resentment. (You get it)

I have been hurting and mad at my Maker for taking my best friend. I needed him here to baptize my two little girls. I have needed Brian when my girls miss him and are crying and I can do nothing to make the hurt go away. As the anger grew, my spirit suffered. My faith weakened. My relationships began to suffer too.

The heavens had slowly been closing their doors and I was no longer basking in His light. The blessings that I had enjoyed so effortlessly were fading and as I look back, that may have been when I began to struggle. As I was required to stand on my own-again.

I am still reading (since I began to homeschool my personal reading is time limited!) Journey to the Veil by John Pontius. I found his words enlightening.

I wish to quote his words, "When we pay the price for some new spiritual growth, we arrive at a spiritual high, or a type of honeymoon period where we bask in the new blessings, the powerful prayers, the peace, and constant revelation. Obedience is there because everything is so wonderful! ...But alas, we are living on borrowed light-the Lord's light. We are glowing with spiritual power that is not our own.
     The Spirit begins to withdraw to give us the opportunity to continue in this level of obedience through the darkness...
     The adversary whispers, '... See, you're not good enough. You're too weak to maintain any great blessings. '
     The truth is that the rise of this additional opposition and loss of spiritual power is part of the plan. It gives us a chance to be tested at this new level of spiritual growth. "
     He continues,"We are not lost in some spiritual wilderness but are climbing upward upon the ordained path that leads to eternal vistas.
     It is the way of growth."

Phew. That makes me feel better.

Remember when I wrote about a great gift I received from the Lord? I felt unworthy because of the hurt, disappointment and anger I had been experiencing. I was feeling depressed on occasion too and beginning to doubt my worth. John's words are comforting when he says, "We should cease to chastise and punish ourselves because we are struggling.  We should cease to berate ourselves because we have not yet conquered every obstacle. We should cease to shame ourselves because we seem to lack the strength to climb out of the hole we find ourselves in."

There is so much to learn in his life. Relying on our Savior is key.

There is so much to be grateful for.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Homeschool

Ok, well I don't like to make it a habit of talking bad about others on my blog, but let's suffice it to say that leaving my children's school to homeschool was a most wonderful decision!

My children and I returned home after an ordeal, and kneeled down to pray. They had just been on an emotional roller coaster. We prayed for the person, and we prayed again for reconfirmation. Seconds after I arose my phone flashed, not once but twice with positive messages about my homeschooling endeavours. Phew!

I had home schooled once with my one of my other children. We tackled it for two years. It was good. In fact, I can see how our relationship grew closer as did her self motivation. My biggest problem was myself. I let others opinions, (which homeschool wasn't super main stream as it is today) affect my thoughts and judgment. I thought she wasn't up to speed with the other kids in a "brick and mortar" school. I worried about how she would grade compared to them. Well, haha no need to have worried, when I placed her back in school, (only because of my worries), she was top of her class with remarkable honours with distinction! Then, when she went on to high school, she entered a PSDL (personal self directed learning) school and there received many scholarships!

So, here I am again tackling homeschool. And as I normally do, I LIKE TO BIT OFF more than I should chew. This time I am teaching my 3 youngest girls. I am working out the transition. HAHAHA!!

I love that I can teach my girls more fully the gospel. No more funky teachers telling my children that good things don't come from God! Crazy. In the mornings, we kneel to pray at the table, sleepy heads leaning on the cushions of the chairs. We have a Book of Mormon study guide that I purchased online and print off pages as we go. I love the conversations we have our thoughts go into deep reflection. How would you feel if your brothers (sisters and brother in our case) beat the snot out of you? And then tried to kill you because you were younger and they did not want you to be a ruler and spiritual leader over them? Would you "frankly forgive them" as Nephi did? (1 Nephi 7:21) Resounding no's I tell you…lol

I knew it would be work, but…I have to read all three girls manuals for math and writing and spelling and and and…then prepare in my mind what I will teach. Luckily, I like the teaching part, once I know the material it is fun to play around with ideas to get us all thinking. But, I am temporarily (?) exhausted.

The exhaustion actually stems from the fighting. Whaaatt? My kids fight? This is the case whenever I have to step out to run an errand or go to voice lessons. The oldest of the three is in grade 7 so I am free to leave them. But seriously? Not only that, but we have some keeners who go so fast that I have to speed read the lesson because I myself haven't read that far ahead and others who like to argue argue argue about getting down to business and lack confidence within themselves (which is entirely unwarranted) and then when they do their work it's fantastic! Geesh. I tell you.

Anyone out there with similar homeschooling experience?

Did I mention that I also started a book club within my ward and with fellow friends? Chew chew chew

Do You Love Me?

I have struggled many times now, wondering if Jesus and Heavenly Father love me as much as they love -you. As I was reading tonight I prayed again, "Do you love me as much as you love them?" Immediately, quietly and tenderly I heard, "I send you Brian." 

It's true. He does. He sends me back my deceased best friend when I need him. I feel his closeness and know he's there. 

He loves me. I've been angry for so long in my heart. I've been hurting that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ would take away my best and truest friend and companion I had ever had, but He is kind enough to send him back to me, almost daily, to comfort me, testify and teach me and sometimes just "be"with me. How foolish I have been. 

It was good to be reminded. 

Summer milestone

This summer has held some firsts for me. My first child got married this summer. I turned a "milestone" birthday this year. I also didn't have as hard a time with Brian's anniversary of his death. It still was a very sad day, but not as hard as the years before. (Tomorrow also marks the 4 year anniversary of the day we cremated Brian.) I also travelled on my own and did many things in that regard that I had never done before. Phew! I must finally be growing up! 

Truth is, my young life was one where I didn't learn as much independence and gain as much self esteem as I could have and so I continue to try new things, learn new things, discover new talents and better myself as much as possible. Don't get me wrong, I definitely face head on, the worst person who puts me down constantly - me. I need to learn to tell that "me" to take a hike! 

Okay, here's a picture of me at my surprise birthday party. My husband threw it for me and I was so…well, surprised! It was by far the best birthday I have ever had. He even sang one of "our" songs in front of everyone. I was very touched. 

Now, I realize my thoughts are everywhere. That is because it is late…my hubby was able to get the computer fixed and I am so eager to write to you all.

The biggest milestone for me this summer was JOY. And I think I know why. Yes, time heals all wounds. And yes, time has passed. Months ago while I had a brief pause in my daughters wedding plans, I heard (and this was my spirit hearing his) Brian. The veil was very thin immediately after he passed so it was sweet to hear him again. This time however, he told me to "Love Kevin more." And that was it. This really ticked me off. This was like he grabbed my heart and squeezed. I felt he was ditching me. I felt he was eager to move on and I was holding him back from some type of Heavenly duty. I was angry. (I have been working on my grieving anger so this just added another layer). Of course, I prayed about it and told Heavenly Father how much this hurt and to please help me understand it and love Kevin more. Well, as much as any woman hates to admit that their spouse is right, can you even begin to imagine how it feels to admit your dead husband is right? ;) I found my thoughts were even kinder at times toward Kevin. (Silly that I would even notice that) but the biggest moments were: 1. on my birthday and 2. on our family reunion trip this summer

I had assumed when I turned 40, (ahhh I can't believe I just admitted that to the world! Oh well, let's just be honest with each other, shall we?) I would have a break down. Brian never was 40, he would never be 40 and I was never older than him. This used to cause me great devastation. Yet, here I was, having a peaceful day, a happy day with friends and family who loved me. Kevin had sacrificed so much for me to have a wonderful birthday. (And ladies, I even went shopping earlier that day for jeans and found some that fit me perfectly!! Whoo hoo! How often does that happen? Hey?) And, then he sang. He is not a singer (nor am I, though I try) and he sounded awesome. How can he not, when singing from the heart?

The second memorable moment was on our trip, most especially one specific day. My thoughts were very loving and tender for Kevin that day. "My cup runneth over, with love. We spent our day laughing and having fun like little kids. We would paddle board together out into the lake and try hard to splash or see who could make the other fall off and then giggle in the water. Nothing fancy, just fun. We smiled more at one another, were more courteous and thoughtful and the day was fantastic, (this is how every day was with Brian. If you knew us together, you know it's true.)

This was what I was afraid of. Letting Kevin in to my special "inner circle"of Brian like love. There are circles but the inner circle is the one closest to my heart. This circle is most precious to me and I didn't want anyone else in there. Truth be told, silly me, that circle will always be Brian's special circle but I have discovered that Kevin now has his own inner circle.

Brian, you were right. To my reading friends, have you put two and two together yet? When I loved Kevin more, my heart had to kick out some of the grieving to allow in more love. My hurting is lifting because I am loving more. This journey isn't over. Now my heart is bigger to allow more love for more people. It is sad that I had to experience tragedy in order to learn how to love better. 

I would love to hear your stories of how love has healed your heart. Send me an email. 

Now because I think my puppy is adorable I had to include him in this blog…hahaha

May God Bless you as you go forward in faith, continuing your journey! 

what happens when the wedding is over?

Well, the wedding was, (as I have heard from the guests), like pins on pinterest. I will have to post pictues later since my keyboard isnt working to allow us to log on.


She looked more beautiful than I could even put into words. I felt so old watching my baby girl getting married. I was happy she is marrying into a great family and has a wonderful man who truly cares for her and is tender with her. But, then the day is over, the decorations put away, Bride and Groom gather their suitcases for the honeymoon, hug us goodbye and drive away... the house is still in caos and so is my heart and mind. And not just me either. We cry with memories of her growing up, and all the silly things that drove me crazy...socks on the floor, nail polish spills, messy room...I miss it all and I find an empty hole in my heart as we transiton from me being in charge of her care everyday to her being cared for by her husband everyday with a little mom on the side. I wasnt prepared for this, and yet I was. I feel it was too soon. I wasnt ready to give her up. I know I probaly never would be. The trials we have faced together, especially the passing of Daddy, has drawn us closer than might be expected. I feel excited for her to begin her journey, her own life, but as her Mommy, I want to protect her inside this little bubble and never let her get hurt, know that she is home tucked in bed and safe, kiss her soft face, make her wake up early, eat good food, exercise...ahhh the lfie of a mom. I must have forgotten when I came to earth that this would be hard. How on Earth does Heavenly Father do it? Saying goodbye as we leave His presence and travel to this world? Mind you, time is on His side and not nearly as long as it feels to us.

I am not wollowing in sadness right now, just reflecting.

As I continue to reflect...I feel I should write this down for those moments when I wonder what my purpose is...

As of late I have discovered that people from my far far distant past have contacted me over the years to have me listen,  give comfort and advice. If you are reading this and one of them was you, you're not the only one!! It makes me feel of use in this world to be able to help, even in some small measure. So, I thank you for helping me realize I have more purpose than laundry! lol

Maybe you too can start to recognize some of the reasons you are here. I believe everything happens for a purpose. I know people have been put into my life at specific times for specifc reasons. Perhaps you were the one who showed me which way to go in the ariport!

(I'm thinking I am so reflective because today is my bday and older is supposed to be wiser, right? haha)

Here's wishing you may all be happy in your journey today... 

Are PRIDE and FEAR destroying our relationships?

{Note to my friends out there who read this and support me, thank you. Today I received word that I am qualified to hold two certifications for personal training. Whoo hoo!}

That was just a side note to all my friends and family who have been wanting to know my status. Now on to another topic which I have been wanting to write about for some time.

Today I wanted to focus on how pride or the lack of, and fear, can make or break our relationships. 

 What is this pride? 

PRIDE

See also Humble, Humility; Money; Riches; Vain, Vanity; Worldliness

A lack or absence of humility or teachableness. Pride sets people in opposition to each other and to God. A proud person sets himself above those around him and follows his own will rather than God’s will. Conceit, envy, hardheartedness, and haughtiness are also typical of a proud person.

found here:https://www.lds.org/scriptures/gs/pride

I have had experience with both in my lives. (Who hasn't ?)

Let's be frank, shall we? The people in my life who have not been full of pride are the ones who were the greatest people I have ever met. They were teachable. If I were to ask them to do something that could improve our relationship, they would kindly consider my input, and then put into action the change. This ALWAYS created more harmony and I in turn looked at them with higher regard. I would actually stand in awe that they could be so strong and confident in themselves to let go of pride.

For example: A working husband comes home, tired. He leaves his work behind and lays down on the  couch. A wife, also tired from her constant running around with children and household duties sees him there. She kisses his cheek but wishes he would help kids with homework so that she can finish making dinner. Later that evening she tells him this is what she feels could strengthen their relationship. Instead of arguing, he simply helps her from then on. 

• How quick are the children of men lifted up in pride:Hel. 12:4–5;

Now, the opposite is also true. (which is so frustrating because these people ALWAYS got it wrong. I think they believed that if they did "not back down" and "proved their point" that they would be respected more, honoured more and be the "big man" so to speak.) Whenever someone would try to make a positive change or suggest a correction in attitude or behaviour, they would not let go of pride. This has cost them many relationships, pushing away those who would love them deeper and stronger. (Which is what they really wanted in the end and most of them are lonely, confused, hurt and angry).

FEAR

See also Courage, Courageous; Faith; Reverence

Fear can have two meanings: (1) to fear God is to feel reverence and awe for him and to obey his commandments; (2) to fear man, mortal dangers, pain, and evil is to be afraid of such things and to dread them. https://www.lds.org/scriptures/gs/fear?lang=eng&letter=f

I also think that FEAR can also come across as PRIDE. My loved one has a relationship but is often sabotaging it. This person longs to be loved, respected, admired, have a best friend they can trust, but…they have closed their heart for fear of being hurt. (If you think I am talking about you, I probably am ;) but this has also affected me too.) I do know that loving deep inside and then having your heart torn apart in an instant is crushing. I also know the way love feels when all guard is down, trusting the other,  letting go to the silliness inside that lifts you and saying all the "cheesy" things like in the movies - (I do love "cheese"!) work's! Your spirit lifts, soars and refuses to come down to the complacency that everyone else knows as "life". 

• God hath not given us the spirit of fear:2 Tim. 1:7;

For example: Husband comes home wanting to hold his wife, tell her about his day, but does not because they haven't really had that kind of relationship in years. He fears to make the change.

OR

Wife wants to be held, wants to feel magic and sparks, but then refuses to let her husband touch her for fear she will just be let down, or let him down.

It goes both ways.

I only speak what I have experienced. I too have things I need to work on. Everyone does. The yes tpart about life is that we keep getting chances every single day until we are called back home. So today I will make a new life correction and if I fail, I will wake up, pray for forgiveness and help to succeed and try again. (Just like how we learned to walk, to ride a bike, to feed ourselves).

You and I do not have to simply live. We can be happy, we can "Love like we'll never get hurt". Please take the chance, let go of pride and fear. Allow love to change you. I will too. ;>

Spring time?!

Okay, so when Easter Sunday came I found my faith being tried. I heard some great talks about the resurrection in our Church sacrament meeting, but they brought me to tears. We believe that Jesus was already brought back to life, his body and spirit are reunited, never to be separated again. And I accept this, I believe this. I also look forward to the day when I can hug my late husband again, but why did this year affect me so badly? I ended up leaving church early and crawling into bed. My family went to Grandma and Grandpa's and I stayed home. By mid afternoon the next day, I was back to my normal self. Bizzare? Perhaps not. I'd say normal.

On the following day I found myself with Brian's sweater on, shovel in one hand and flower bulbs in the other. Playing in the dirt is healing for me. I hadn't really done any gardening since the spring before Brian's accident. It felt so good.

Here are some things I just recently re-posted on my Pinterest board under backyard style:

This was found at Martha Stewart, however, someone posted that they used 2x2's instead and it was much cheaper.

Wow! I love this. I have no where to hang it yet, but I will keep this in mind.

http://braytonhomesteadinteriors.blogspot.ca/2012/06/recycle-reinvent.html

Cruise on over to my Pinterest and see what other spring-inspiring things you see.

Happy Journeying!

Video

Someone shared this with me. It's exactly how I felt for the first 2or more years of my new marriage

Here's the link: http://youtu.be/Tyj0hZrYJnI

The Art of Being a Woman

My husband and I watched "Chasing Mavericks" and when it was over I found myself crying. Selfishly crying.

Sometimes I stop and recognize that my life is "going on" without him. Other days his memory hits me so hard it throws me and I come crashing down. This boy, this character, reminded me of my Brian. Always smiling, seeing the positive, the good in others, knowing how we (him and I) were meant to be together, (his curly hair), a love for life, adventurous - and even when the negative bullies were cruel in his life he was still kind to them, encouraging them to "ride the wave". Interesting how in my life I have said that we "ride the wave of grief".

Being a woman is glorious. We are emotional and sensitive and these can feel like a blessing and a curse. If we did not cry and hurt - would we see the good in others? Would we reach out and help someone else who is crying? Good women are helpful and sincere.

I have been reaching out to people in my life more. I have moved past the prideful days of negative hurt and expectation. (That does not say it will not try and hit me again and tempt me) I was the girl/woman who sat hurting in the back wanting someone to reach out and help me up, talk to me and listen, but then rejecting them and finding fault. We are all here to learn and grow. I feel I am growing now. I feel the need to reach out, to help others and get them talking. When we open up, truly, without embarrassment is when we connect. As women, (and obviously I am not a man so I cannot speak on their behalf) when we share is when we connect and when we connect is when we can help.

People die everyday.  Friends get sick and suffer. Neighbours and loved ones suffer from emotional "stuff" and hide away. I have found that we are all so much a like. The secret emotional thoughts you may have had, someone else may have felt that too, even if, when looking at them they seem so "put together" and maybe they are. Have you considered that they may have come from a dark and hurtful place but have risen above? Are conquering the adversary? Are recognizing their self worth? And maybe they may have something they could share with you too? Help you to rise above so that in turn you can help another in the future?

What a beautiful place we live in. If I could be so bold to everyone out there it would be for you to pray and ask - "help me to be all that I was sent here to be". If we all shared, if we all connected, if we all lived by just the simple 10 commandments or better yet even the simple golden rule of : "Do unto others as you would have done unto you",  also  "LOVE ONE ANOTHER", wow! What a more glorious place to live!

Remember, let's be happy on this journey! =>

Another testament of the Plan of Salvation

Our Angel: Round About to Lift Us Up

Three years ago today I stood with my girls beside a wooden box. Tears filled our eyes and ran down our faces. Grandpa (Brian's Dad) stood stiff as a board; trying hard not to show any feelings. Perhaps not wanting to break down in front of my little girls. We were given markers to write our feelings of love and tenderness; our goodbyes on the box. That's when I felt him standing beside me. I was overcome with peace. How could I cry tears of sadness in missing Brian when I felt him so strongly by my side? I could not. I was warm. I was comforted. I knew Brian existed in some new form. He was lifting us up, supporting us in this - the most difficult time of our lives.
Pressing the big red button was really tough though, even with Brian there. So difficult. So very difficult. This was my beautiful husbands remains from a terrible flying accident where his body was burnt. And here I was sending what was found in the rubble back into the flames: his tall, slender body, his tender hands, his fast running feet, his strong bike riding legs, his dark curly hair, gentle hazel eyes with flecks of gold. (What was really left of him laying in that box, I did not know. I was told it was his torso.) I watched as the box made its way down the conveyor belt until the metal door closed. How is it possible to be at your most painful grief-stricken moment in your life and to also feel peace? Brian was with us the whole time.

He is still their Daddy. He still loves them and cares about what they learn and who they become. He is still his father's son. They have now been reunited. His is still my eternal companion, one of my very best friends. And even though I have faith that we will both be reunited again and both be resurrected as the Savior's Atonment promises, I still miss him. The tears are fewer and far between but I will always miss him. Until we meet again - Brian is our angel.

The Plan of Salvation

Why I have an eternal family.

Families Can Be Together Forever

Angels are around us to bear us up. - Just like My Brian is to us! =] 

Plane crash survivors. 

My Story

I apologize to all of you for not blogging sooner. I have been riding the wave of grief. Having trouble getting out of bed. Not doing my make up. Just wasting my time on a silly game. (It helped me not to think.)  So I heard a friend say she was reading someone else's blog about their grief. This made me think it was about time to stop pretending that my life is painless and full of pleasantries. This time I am using my blog to share my personal story. It is real. I am real. My pain is real. I live with heartache everyday….

Ok. So, here I go. I am terrified. .  (terrified of your judgement, I have had soooo much of it) I hope to bring comfort to others who are walking this path of grief. I hope to help those around me and those who just "don't get it". This is personal. This is MINE. No one's grieving is the same. I don't want advice. The advice I've had has NOT been helpful. Instead, it has hurt me more. The judgements I have faced are so very hurtful…

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His Last Flight

I watched Brian pack up his bags, and dismantle his bike. Placing all in the back of a small rental car. Black T-shirt, khaki shorts and flip-flops I bought him, heading to British Columbia with his Dad (who would return on his own shortly). Brian praised me and my smarts for being able to figure out how to put the racks on top of the van, without the assistance of him or his Dad. (That was so like him. So loving, so praising.) I felt so sad to see him go. (I always felt this way when he left; always anxious about his safety and his return.) This time was different. He gave us all a long hug and kiss, told us that he loved us. Told the girls, "Be good for Mom, ok?"

 He had taken on a new job. Leaving behind his flying job here in the city in Alberta where he was third in charge. Chief pilot. Brian always said that flying was so much safer than driving and that I need not worry. This new job was indeed dangerous. He would be flying water bombers, flying low and putting out fires (sorry, I am crying)…in the mountains of B.C. He would work 4-5 months and then have the rest of the year to be with me.

We had so many many plans.

We had recently flown out for the day  (an amazing date together) and found a home close to his new job. We put an offer on it. We were in the middle of building a new home. So, here we were with two houses to sell. We didn't care. We had always wanted to move to B.C. I was ready to give away all the girls winter clothes and buy rain gear, (something told me to wait).

We Skype called every day. Sometimes 2-3 times. We phoned each other constantly. Shared numerous emails, with sweet loving words. He looked sad to be away. More so than I had ever seen him. One day he said, "That was a close one, Nettie. I didn't think we were gonna make it."

Our 10 year anniversary came. It had been raining so very much. There and here. (Later, I was told it was a record breaking rain fall that year, hardly any fires…hmmm) He wasn't flying much. He tried to come home, and had made arrangements with another pilot to switch. Someone's feelings must have gotten hurt, and he was told no. We Skyped. He told me he had a surprise for me. I hoped it was him coming home. 4 little girls is a lot on my own. Nope. He was sending flowers.

"No way Brye. I don't want them unless you are hand delivering them." This would be the last flowers he would ever send me.

The rains continued.

July 31, 2010. I Skyped him. Emailed him. I was meeting director friends and we were going to plan a future project. I told him his wife had to be there and he respected that. (I valued my marriage to Brye so much as to not be alone with another man) When I got home I had an email from Brye telling me he missed me and to check this website. It would show him in flight. When I checked it, something didn't seem right. His plane wasn't moving like the others. I didn't understand it. I couldn't reach him. I said my prayers and for once in my entire married life I "forgot" to pray for my Brian's protection. (I did this up to ten times a day.) I believe the Lord could not answer that plea as Brian was already dead when I went to bed. I believe I was "made to forget". Perhaps, Brian was watching me pray? I dunno.

Brian's Dad lived with us and had a form of emphysema. He went to go pick up our oldest daughter from work. I was asleep. She had heard on Grandpa's radio that there had been a plane crash with the company Brian worked for. When they returned home, she had to persist that he call to confirm. They did. Grandpa did not want to tell me. So, my young teenage daughter made her way to my room.

"Mom, there's been an accident." I bolted up, expecting it was Grandpa and his emphysema. Her next words I will never forget.

"It's Dad. He's dead."

My girls tell me they woke up because I was screaming. I don't remember this. I picked up my phone and called Brian's cell. It rang. I was able to leave a message. (odd, I know) I asked him if he was ok. I may have even asked him if he was dead. I had to hear his voice. I had to know. I then called the last number in my phone. (Since I had no coherent thoughts to find any other number) and phoned a member of our bishopric. I requested a priesthood blessing. I KNEW Heavenly Father would tell me right away and I would not be left guessing if Brian was hurting somewhere. In the blessing, Heavenly Father did confirm my worst fears.  (If you feel to listen to the song, 'I Want You to Live' by George Canyon, that is pretty close to my story.)

I was sitting on the couch. My second oldest daughter suddenly said, "I see Dad!" I turned to look out the window, thinking he was outside and that this was all such a terrible mistake. But, no, how could he be in BC and now home? My mind, spirit and body felt so unaligned. The pain was so unbearable. I could hardly breathe. I shook so violently. The skin under my chin never felt so tight as it did in those weeks from crying so hard that tears could not flow.

She proceeded to say Brian was in the corner. That he was glowing. He was all white. He had no glasses on. She could only see him from the neck up. I asked her what he was doing. She said he was making faces at me in order to make her laugh. He was giving her the thumbs up sign. I have since had many wonderful spiritual experiences of my own. Each dear and tender, confirming that God is a God of miracles and that He DOES exist the same today as He did eons ago.

I did not sleep.  I waited to call the other pilots he knew, as I wanted them to get their rest so as not to put their flying at risk. I had to call so many many people and tell them that my Brain was dead.

I have had to release forms from our dentist in order to confirm his body. There was nothing left of the other pilot, I am so sorry to say. Brian's torso remained. I had to read the coroner's report of what his body had endured and what was left. So much pain. I read and reread Transport Canada's report and had to give my opinion, and any suggestions into the accident. This report was in great detail. It was like living the accident through his eyes. I felt Brian beside me during these moments. Helping me to understand. Helping me write my response. (With great prayer I received help. Many of my remarks have been put into action and others are being considered by the board).

I, at 34 with four little girls, the youngest was 3, had to plan my husband's memorial. I was denied many requests. I tried to please my extended family. They were not pleased. I paid out of my pocket for expenses not covered for the memorial. I had to ask my friend (who has business in the funeral home industry) to go and pick up Brian's remains.

I had to stand with my girls and Grandpa beside a wooden box with what was left of my Brian, their Daddy. We wrote notes of love on the box, and then I had to press a big red button and send him into the incinerator to be cremated. Ouch.

I had to go through his things. Pack them up. His toothbrush. His shirts. They still smell like him. Books he read, the last page his eyes ever gazed upon, love letters, and cards, pictures, our last Christmas together, our last bike ride, picnic, swim, hike, hopscotch with girls…

Brian's family was helpful, at first. Then, much damage was wrought. In order to not be hurtful myself…let's suffice it to say that much damage was done. I have learned that when people grieve, there is much anger and wanting to blame someone for their pain. I was the object of much abuse due to hurt and loss.

Brian's memorial was beautiful. I knew it was outlandish for him. But, funerals, memorials, they aren't for the dead. They are for the living. For those left behind. I knew others needed this. (Brian's body didn't make it to the service, he was still being retrieved.) Everyone wore their uniforms, be it fire, police, airline, or bicycle courier. He had hundreds and hundreds of people come. I stood, with the help of some kind family members, and shook hands/hugged all that came to see me. Hundreds and hundreds of people. The firemen had a truck outside, their colour guard stood at the door. I remember holding my head high, being so proud of my husband and wanting to look so much stronger than I felt. I was too young to be a …widow! The colour guard escorted me and my girls to the front of the chapel. My shoulders felt so heavy. Wonderful words were said about how great my Brian was. (and is) Afterwards, we let balloons free into the sky, a symbol of his ascending into heaven and his last flight.)

I was 95 lbs. I hadn't eaten in days. I didn't drink. I felt like I didn't deserve anything good. Nothing sweet ever again. My 'sweet' had died. I felt I could never enjoy life again. I was sleeping on Brian's side of the bed, to be close to him. I was wearing his shirts, sweats and socks. I remember waking up, the sun was finally shining through my window. I rolled over to feel it's warmth. Opening my eyes, I thought, oh yes, finally, the sun is shining. Thinking I had dreamed all that bad, and then the crushing weight on my heart when reality sunk in to remind me, that no, this was not a dream, but that this awful nightmare was now my LIFE! My best friend, my love, my companion for life and for eternity, my romantic, funny, sweet, strong partner, my everything, the only love I had ever truly loved so deeply, so true, with such a rare and tender relationship like no one I knew enjoyed…was gone.

I had no money. We had no insurance. My husband had filled in all the health questions for our insurance on our home that was being built, but had absent mindedly checked off the "no" box. Well, Royal Bank was quick to say "No" to granting builder's insurance to a window. I had no coverage, no insurance to cover the new home being built. I had no job, no credit rating. I would have been in big trouble with the bank on this new home. Luckily, Brian had some insurance through his new job. I asked for help, got some help from church but then was denied.  (The church is perfect, the people are not, my situation was a new one for my ward, they did the best why knew how). I could have lost my home. Comfree was so gracious, they came and took down my "For Sale" sign on the home we were living in and gave me all my money back. My dream of moving to BC was dead. (All my dreams were dead. I could see no future.) Later, however, I had to sell this home of love that Brain and I had built together, lived in, had children, tenderly planted and cared for our garden, our yard…the home we made many memories in.

The hurting continued. There were moments when I truly, literally thought my heart would break.

People generously gave to the "Tilley girls trust fund". If that was you, thank you. We needed that money to survive at first.

I prayed to never need a man. To survive on my own. To never need a hug or kiss from a man. To become less of a woman. To be a robot, I suppose. I desired to be like Pres. Uchtdorf's Mom. To be a single mom. (Again! My first husband cheated on me and left me and my first daughter when she was 3) I could do it. At least, I thought I could.

Then along came Kevin. I had many spiritual confirmations, as did all my friends around me, that he was to take care of me and my girls. And, I tell you, he came not a moment too soon. (This is where my extended family got ugly to say the least. They were/are hurting too) The Lord knew I should not be alone, nor my girls.

I wish to say, with much reluctance, but I feel it should be said…for those who judge, for those who care to help others who grieve. Before marrying Kevin, I just wanted to be with Brian. My pain was so great that I could not think even about my sweet, beautiful daughters. I wanted to die. I would drive recklessly, I would walk in the dark where big construction trucks were driving, I would dump out pills and stare at them. It isn't easy to hurt yourself when you feel your angelic husband watching you from the other side of the veil. It's very embarrassing. (For those who feel this desire to die, to hurt yourself, be strong. Pray with great earnest. It WILL pass. Have faith. Mine has. It is a natural desire to be with those who pass. Ride the tidal wave of grief. The waters are supposed to get calm again.)

Kevin is great. He truly is. Being a widow doesn't mean you stop loving your husband. Remarrying after death is not anything like a divorce. You SHOULD still talk about them. I have been told to stop talking and just listen, to close my mouth. That being a friend to me is a burden. Did you really think this was helpful? Well, I lovingly say it is not. Talking heals. I am riding this wave again. Some waves are small and some are tsunami big. Because of my pain and hurtful words, I sit alone. I miss my friends. Where have they gone? I am afraid to make all new friends. No one I know is a widow as young as me, with 4 small children. This makes it hard to bond. I feel old beyond my years.

I have had so many changes. I lost Brian, our home together and the home we were building together, family, friends. I live in a new home, a new community, a new church ward in the building that Brian's memorial was held (every sunday I see the memorial all over again in my mind, every Sunday I see the temple we were sealed in) Grieving doesn't end in one year, or two or three. We don't just pick up and "move on". We need you. We just need to talk. We don't need advice, just a listening ear, a hug, a walk, a shopping day. We need to take time to take care of ourselves. Please don't judge this as selfishness. We need to fill the well before we can give water to anyone else.

I live with a hole in my heart everyday. I ache every day.  (As I've said before, a person who loses their arm will heal, but until the resurrection, their own arm will still be gone. Until I am reunited, I will still have hole). Somedays are better than others. The waves come. They do. I hate water! (Rain, waves..that's a little bit of humour, by the way) Kevin makes this life so much easier to bare. He helps me every day. He is patient, loving, kind, generous, he loves my and Brian's children. He is grateful to Brian for me.  He listens. He knows I love Brian, but (and I am hoping I make this clear to those who have difficulty understanding) just like I do not love one child more than another, I love both men in my life. Kevin gets this. I hope others can too. Brian is my little girl's Daddy, always will be. He is a part of our life. Why should he not be?  Kevin - I wouldn't have made it without him.


Lyrics to "I Want You to Live" by George Canyon

When she got the news
The phone hit the floor
She fell to her knees,
And cried his name

He had just kissed her lips,
And both of the kids
Their lives will never be the same

The end of her hardest day
The only words she could say were,
I want you to live,
I want you to love,
I want to go back to the way it was,
To hear you say my name again,
I want to see your smile again
I want you to live

It takes all of her strength
To go through his things
It feels like she's holding him again
The letters he wrote, books that he'd read
And some of his shirts still had his scent
The picture in Florida
She holds to her heart and cries out loud

I want you to live,
I want you to love,
I want to go back to the way it was,
To hear you say my name again,
I want to see your smile again,

Lying awake in the middle of the night
Trying not to let the kids hear her cry
She prays for an answer, some little of sign
And closes her eyes
And swears she hears him say,

I want you to live,
I want you to love
I want you to go on and not give up
I want you to live,
I want you to try,
I want you to know that I'm alright

I want you to fall in love again
I want to see you smile again
And again,
I want you to live

Creative Grief

I know many of my friends and loved ones are experiencing grief. Some of you view my blog just for the how to's, others for the pictures, some for the books I choose, others for curiosity's sake and still some view it just because they love me. Well, this entry is to help those who grieve. I have seen death hit far too many friends and family in the last five years. I hope this helps who it may.

I was skimming a book a friend had lent me, "Grieving. The Pain and the Promise." by Deanna Edwards. In it she speaks about creative grief:

Grieving. The Pain and the Promise.

"Creative grief and recovery involve taking the pain and making something of positive, lasting value with it. It doesn't need to be something monumental. A display in your home, a journal entry, or a new flower garden can be meaningful. If your creativity accomplishes nothing more than an outlet for you and a better understanding about life, it has served it's purpose. This process provides therapy for the person who is grieving. It also increases awareness of and respect for others who have the courage to open their hearts and minds in order to learn form their own pain.

Grief means something good only if it changes us for the better and strengthens us. The added dimension of creative grief is that as we use it to clarify and define our feelings, we gain an increased awareness of others. The unbearable becomes more bearable when it is shared. It is that refiner's fire that challenges us to call upon the divine within ourselves and to invite the comfort and presence of the Holy Spirit when we need it most. Creativity is the essence of life and the evidence of immortality!"

She goes on to say that pain can be a tool to create something better instead of a weapon to hurt or punish us.

I knew that I was going strong, overboard, crazy busy with my creativeness but this makes me understand why. When Brian's Dad just passed, and with hearing that my friend's daughter was dying of cancer, I got busy. I didn't want to think about anything. Especially not the pain. What kind, human being likes pain? No thanks.

I hope you are enjoying what my blog has to offer in the sense of how to's. Not only the how to's of home improvements, but on self improvements as well. It's okay to mourn our loved ones. I do everyday. In fact, I was reading an LDS church magazine - the Ensign, and I quote the writer, Stephen Havertz who said about feeling pain all the time- in the article entitled "Lifting the Hands which Hang Down"

"People who want to help should be very careful about placing a time limit on someone's grief. Some believe that people should be finished grieving after a year and a half…I have learn that the pangs of grief can recur years latter without warning. This type of grief doesn't mean that I'm depressed or inconsolable, but rather it suggests that I still miss the people I love."*

"I have found that the most helpful conversations occur when people share their favourite memories of my wife and daughter with me; it's also helpful when they are willing to listen to my favourite memories. I often cry during these conversations, but that doesn't mean my day is ruined. These interactions actually brighten my day. You don't have to help people who are grieving to stop crying. It may seem counterintuitive to cause more pain, but I have found with my own grief that I'm in pain anyway, and these conversations provide a chance for me to release my feelings."*

* (highlighted quotes) My sentiments exactly.

Snowboard Jump

For our anniversary we headed to Banff, stayed in a sweet suite (hee hee) with a wood burning fireplace and had a wonderful time. We experienced fine dinning, (eating things I can't pronounce that came from all over the world and made my tummy ache), began cross country skiing with a friendly deer, but my bindings broke, and tried some tricks on our snowboards. You can laugh, but I don't want to see you laugh in front of me…. ;) We took a class and learned beginner rails and jumps.  Take a look!

Some other things that I am working on this week are: 

(sneak peeks below) 

1. My (second oldest) daughter's bedroom

2. A Valentine Birthday Party 

Stay tuned for some more painting stripe pointers, and some more birthday planning ideas.

On a more somber note...

Once again, sadness has fallen on our family with the passing of Brian's Dad. My late husband's father used to live with us. We spent a lot of time together in the past: family vacations, dinners, water fights, trips to the zoo, batting cages, go-carts, eating lots and lots of ice cream and frozen treats in their various forms, Mario Cart and numerous Wii games, book reading, joke telling, he even tolerated the girls putting bows in his hair and crazy make up on his face. (Which he would photo shop to look like he was beaten up) He had a great sense of humour, enjoyed cross word puzzles, loved to learn more about the sky, whether he was talking flying with Brian, reading the stars or studying up on space. He is greatly missed.

My Brian and his Daddy. Reunited in Heaven.

A Beautiful Life

I am trying to find peace, enjoy my life and be happy. I get hit hard with trials but I want to keep a positive perspective, a happy smile…this doesn't always happen, nor does it happen right away, but I am keeping busy and doing my best to live in the moment more and more. With the help of the Lord and through prayer, life goes from being endured to being enjoyable. Here are some pictures of living in the moment today and appreciateing the little things. 

Meringues from the Duchess. These are, as one of my best friends said today (and I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her), "Adult Cotton Candy". They melt in your mouth and then they are chewy. So addicting. What a talent to be able to make these treats that in turn make people like me happy.

These are the chocolate variety.

Some items I picked up at the Duchess. (Which I must say, they had just shut their doors and were kind enough to open them for me to run in and make my purchases quickly. Super fantastic.)

Here a few little items that I picked up at HomeSense to begin my Valentine Decor...

This little cutie sparkles with the sunshine.  My under $20 purchase. (I found another one similar online for $75)

Red is such a great front door colour...

Another little V-day purchase! 

And lastly..the French chocolate cookies. They were fantastique!

I hope you are all trying to find ways to "be happy in the journey!"