I hear more often than not about people blogging (or posting in other social media), about their wonderful lives and how this can be depressing to read and compare. This is because as human beings we tend to compare someone's best (or pretended best) to our worst when we feel down, and just the opposite is true when we feel proud or dominate.
I have also viewed a few blogs briefly that are negative and offensive. These drag me down and do nothing to uplift, or inspire me.
This being said, I have often contemplated what to write. I want you, my readers and friends to realize that I am human too and although I have a different life that you, I still struggle, have challenges and trials but try my best to rise above. I do not feel like posting, (nor do I think I should) when the adversary is lying and deceiving me and making me feel terrible about myself and my life's situation.I wait for the challenge to end, or until I have resurfaced from it and then post.
On that note, I have been going deeper and deeper into a dark hole for some time now. I come out, feel like I can handle the challenge, find words of comfort that do inspire and lift me, but until I choose to DO something to make a change, nothing will change. Case in point: I have been dealing with anger now. (Grieving has stages that you go through and I daresay that you can go back and forth between them for years.) Anger towards my Saviour and my Heavenly Father for taking Brian home. It had started to penetrate my whole being. My countenance, my weight, my attitude toward life.
I was praying. I was reading good books. (From time to time) and reading my scriptures, but oh so briefly. A combination of things occurred. First, I saw my little girls kneeling beside their beds one night and checked myself. I felt guilty for I had not knelt to pray for ages. I simply crawled into bed and prayed there. It started as a kneel in bed and then turned into a lazy lay down prayer. I am not saying that I wasn't heard but I wasn't showing the respect and reverence, nor was my prayer as focused as it could have been. But I was hit and miss with changing myself. I was too angry to want to. Then I listened to a conference talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, entitled Make Exercise of Faith Your First Priority. He says,
"The first tool is prayer. Choose to converse with your Father in Heaven often. Make time every day to share your thoughts and feelings with Him. Tell Him everything that concerns you. He is interested in the most important as well as the most mundane facets of your life. Share with Him your full range of feelings and experiences.
I have also viewed a few blogs briefly that are negative and offensive. These drag me down and do nothing to uplift, or inspire me.
This being said, I have often contemplated what to write. I want you, my readers and friends to realize that I am human too and although I have a different life that you, I still struggle, have challenges and trials but try my best to rise above. I do not feel like posting, (nor do I think I should) when the adversary is lying and deceiving me and making me feel terrible about myself and my life's situation.I wait for the challenge to end, or until I have resurfaced from it and then post.
On that note, I have been going deeper and deeper into a dark hole for some time now. I come out, feel like I can handle the challenge, find words of comfort that do inspire and lift me, but until I choose to DO something to make a change, nothing will change. Case in point: I have been dealing with anger now. (Grieving has stages that you go through and I daresay that you can go back and forth between them for years.) Anger towards my Saviour and my Heavenly Father for taking Brian home. It had started to penetrate my whole being. My countenance, my weight, my attitude toward life.
I was praying. I was reading good books. (From time to time) and reading my scriptures, but oh so briefly. A combination of things occurred. First, I saw my little girls kneeling beside their beds one night and checked myself. I felt guilty for I had not knelt to pray for ages. I simply crawled into bed and prayed there. It started as a kneel in bed and then turned into a lazy lay down prayer. I am not saying that I wasn't heard but I wasn't showing the respect and reverence, nor was my prayer as focused as it could have been. But I was hit and miss with changing myself. I was too angry to want to. Then I listened to a conference talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, entitled Make Exercise of Faith Your First Priority. He says,
"The first tool is prayer. Choose to converse with your Father in Heaven often. Make time every day to share your thoughts and feelings with Him. Tell Him everything that concerns you. He is interested in the most important as well as the most mundane facets of your life. Share with Him your full range of feelings and experiences.
Because He respects your agency, Father in Heaven will never force you to pray to Him. But as you exercise that agency and include Him in every aspect of your daily life, your heart will begin to fill with peace, buoyant peace. That peace will focus an eternal light on your struggles. It will help you to manage those challenges from an eternal perspective."
I realized I must DO something. I was a person of strong faith, so what was I thinking? Letting the adversary destroy me? I knelt in prayer. I showed Heavenly Father that I was willing to DO something differently. It wasn't a big thing, but it changed my spirit. I also started to study my scriptures instead of just reading them. I would have a question, or an idea in my head so I would look up in the topical guide and find appropriate verses to study. "By simple things are great things brought to pass." Alma 37:6
The third change came just two weekends ago. I had prayed to be enlightened while attending Stake Conference at church. The final speaker was our Stake President. He spoke of our Saviour in Gethsemane. He told of how the Saviour, even Jesus Christ himself, felt every sin and pain ever inflicted on humankind. How He bled from every pore. Then our Stake President said that the Saviour had wept. I was not surprised by this, but when he said that Jesus was a sensitive man, that touched my heart. I have met only a few sensitive men. They were and are strong, mature, loving and respectable men. I began to see the Saviour in a new way. Yes, He is God, but He was also a man. I came away desiring to know Him on a more personal level.
This past week my anger is lifting immensely. I feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost and it's promptings. I feel lighter. I see more of my blessings. I still have my trials. I still face the same daily issues. Life is the same but my perspective is changing more and more for the better.
I just hope my faith and testimony haven't taken such a beaten that I stumble and fall too hard when the next set of challenges and trails come.
As I tell my kids, "All things happen for a reason." I look forward to feeling happiness in abundance again. I look forward to getting to know Jesus as a real person.
May you find peace and happiness in your journey. =)
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