We are Children of God

Well, I have come such a long way in my journey since Brian passed. I have had many spiritual blessings, insight, revelation and gifts bestowed to me. I like the way my life is heading. I love coming closer to my Savior. He is my friend.

I feel as Sheri Dew... in her book Women and the Priesthood,
   
"I love being a Latter-Day Saint woman! I am grateful beyond my ability to express to know that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored. I am grateful for the covenants I've made that bind me to the Lord, and that bind Him to me"

I also feel as she, when she says,
 
"I'm grateful for the direction and spiritual privileges the gospel provides, including direct access to God's power. I am eternally indebted to the Savior for His Atonement, which is filled with healing and mercy and power for all of God's children, and I have felt His healing-including the healing that brings peace of mind - in my life more times than I can remember. I feel blessed to be alive when His gospel in its fulness is on the earth and when the priesthood has been restored. I hang on the teachings of prophets, seers, and revelators. And I love what the gospel has taught me about the exalted position of women in the eyes of the Lord-in other words, what it has taught me about who I am." (italics added)

I agree whole heartedly!

Sheri Dew's Women and the Priesthood

Another book I just recently finished by Sheri was No One Can Take Your Place.

Sheri Dew's No One Can Take Your Place

This too is such a great book. Are you feeling a little lost? Wondering if you matter? Of course you matter! You have been sent here at this time for a specific purpose that only you can fulfill! 

Jesus said, "Ye are gods, and all of you are children of the most High." Psalms 82:6 

I love chapter 2 in Sheri's book Women and the Priesthood! (I have not yet finished the book so I am sure to love many, many more chapters, however...) Often times people not of our faith will criticize why we feel we can become gods. Please keep in mind no one ever said this would happen in this life. You, yes you, can become a god too one day. Look at these simple statements. It really is a simple concept, really, not blasphemous, but honouring our Father in Heaven. Take a look at her quotes:

"When Satan tried to confuse Moses about his identity, saying 'Moses, son of man, worship me," Moses refused, responding: 'I am a son of God.' He knew who he was because the Lord had told him, "Thou art my son;...and I have a work for thee." Moses 1:12-13, 4-6 (emphasis added)

"C.S. Lewis...'The command Be ye perfect is not idealistic gas. Nor is it a command to do the impossible. He is going to make us into creatures that can obey that command...The process will be long and in parts very painful, but that is what we are in for. Nothing less. He meant what he said.'" Lewis, Mere Christianity, 174-75

She quotes Irenaeus, (an early Christian writer), "We have not been made gods from the beginning, but at first merely men, then at length gods."(Her footnotes on this were quite extensive- you'll have to read her book ;)

Here's anther good one from C.S. Lewis, "it is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which...you would be strongly tempted to worship...It is in light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with awe and circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another...There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal." C.S.Lewis, The Weight of Glory and Other Addresses

So, we have a work to do and we can do it. When you pass the veil into the next life and see all your folly, and all your good choices, will you want to be crown with glory from God or not? We don't have to attain perfection in this life. There is no possible way. But, by accepting the Savior's atonement and repenting and growing in truth day by day, that is possible! 

I Am a Child of God

Lyrics

1. 1. I am a child of God,
   And he has sent me here,
   Has given me an earthly home
   With parents kind and dear.
2. 2. I am a child of God,
   And so my needs are great;
   Help me to understand his words
   Before it grows too late.
3. 3. I am a child of God.
   Rich blessings are in store;
   If I but learn to do his will,
   I'll live with him once more.
4. 4. I am a child of God.
   His promises are sure;
   Celestial glory shall be mine
   If I can but endure.
5. Chorus
   Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
   Help me find the way.
   Teach me all that I must do
   To live with him someday.

Good luck with the choices you make in your journey!

I hope everyone had a pleasant Mother's day. I know some of you get down on yourselves on this day. Never fear, I would think that all good Mom's want to be better. (If you feel you need improvement, well sista...we all do!)

There is a hymn we sing at church, (Oh My Father), that reminds me that we have a Heavenly Home. That one day when God calls us back, we will be reunited with a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother in a warm embrace. Remember, this is us, attending school, getting the best grades possible and then returning home. So, if you need improvement, or your own Mom does...there's hope and there's a Mom waiting for you who loves you more than we can understand.

So, for Mother's Day, one of my little girls saw this cute idea on the internet...it is not my own, but there are many out there to choose from.  I used cream soda pop and a cake mix for the cupcakes, and a swiss meringue icing. These little critters just wanted to fall off no matter how many toothpicks were inserted. I believe the trick to this bouquet is to eat it fast!

Swiss meringue icing 

We actually used 3 toothpicks. I stabbed them and then placed them on the bouquet, then iced them. haha! but no, they still fell off.

The finished project until we drove to Grandma's and two fell off. 

So, I chose to have a great day, and I did. I am seeing that happiness is a choice...happy journey to you!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

My hope is that we remember to be grateful, we have hope for what lies ahead, (even our next life) and we enjoy this season.

Merry CHRISTmas! (The Nativity)

Hard to Make Changes

In the mornings I try to start us off with some scripture study and discussion. Today we discussed "agency". I'm trying to believe it wasn't an epic fail. We watched the following video and then wrote down our own individual goals that we posted in our rooms of things we want to improve upon this week. (How to better use our agency)

The Will of God

Homeschooling is a difficult sacrifice. The love I have for my children and the good days of learning are what keep me going.

However….

December is always a difficult month for me and my girls. Not only is Christmas time hard without Daddy but his birthday is also in December.

I have found that my and my girls emotions get more and more sensitive and therefore easily hurt until they peak at Christmas or sometimes the new Year.

I found and re-read my late husband's journal; this time to my girls. Honestly, nothing bad was said about anyone. His love for us was strong and ever apparent in his life and his words speak from the grave to us now. How he appreciated all the little things in life and lived each moment to the fullest is a testament of his great character.

This is what I hope for my children.

We discussed how they have so many "tools" in their "toolbox". They have a piece of their Daddy coursing through their veins, they have his great example, they have me (a far from perfect example but I am a true and constant in their life), they have a new father figure who cares for their over-all welfare, new siblings and new grandparents who sacrifice for them.

I asked them what kind of a mother and wife they would like to be when they grew up and they said like me. That was touching. I expressed to them how I expect them to be better than me. I hope that their children would be better than them and so on. Isn't that what we want for our future? Children to grow up stronger and more righteous than the previous generation?

That is what lead us to make our goals. (NO, it wasn't a pretty situation. No one liked thinking about changing themselves, only changing the others around them.) This never works, because of agency. We all have our freedom to choose. I can choose what manner of woman I want to be, I cannot make those same choices for my children, but I certainly hope I am putting in my share and more of the "tools" they will need in their "toolbox" to successfully make correct choices that will not only affect those immediately around them, but into the future.

Angels & Accidents

Last week my husband was coming to give me a hug before he left to pick up our daughter from ballet. I felt this urge to pray for his safety. (I haven't felt that way for Kevin; anxious for his safety. I felt like that daily with Brian. One could say that my spirit must have know that he would one day tragically die.) This feeling surprised me a little and I could have easily ignored the feeling since I was decorating cookies. I obeyed the prompting of the Spirit and said a prayer. As he was leaving and while he was out I prayed 2 or more times. I continued on with my cookie decorating.

Sometime later my daughter came in and said that I needed to go see Kevin, that he wanted to speak to me in the garage; that they had gotten in an accident. I thought she was joking since she is one to stress out and she was taking this lightly. Regardless, I went and sure enough our new vehicle was damaged. They had been rear ended.

I was calm. I didn't even get mad, nor have I since. (Who was this person? haha) When I returned to the kitchen I began reflecting. It was just a vehicle. I was so grateful that I wasn't in the hospital praying for their lives. I wasn't receiving bad news and having to plan a funeral (like before). They were safe. Not a big deal.

I was impressed with so many thoughts all at once by the Spirit. They were safe because of prayer. Angels are sent to protect. Maybe it was Brian? I then had a wonderful impression/experience that he had indeed been sent to keep them safe and all because I had heeded a prompting from the Holy Ghost.

Wow. How many other fabulous blessings are happening all the time that go unnoticed?

Maybe this week we can count our blessings in our journey, the obvious and not so obvious ones…?

By Small and Simple Means are Great Things Brought to Pass

I hear more often than not about people blogging (or posting in other social media), about their wonderful lives and how this can be depressing to read and compare. This is because as human beings we tend to compare someone's best (or pretended best) to our worst when we feel down, and just the opposite is true when we feel proud or dominate.
I have also viewed a few blogs briefly that are negative and offensive. These drag me down and do nothing to uplift, or inspire me.
This being said, I have often contemplated what to write. I want you, my readers and friends to realize that I am human too and although I have a different life that you, I still struggle, have challenges and trials but try my best to rise above. I do not feel like posting, (nor do I think I should) when the adversary is lying and deceiving me and making me feel terrible about myself and my life's situation.I wait for the challenge to end, or until I have resurfaced from it and then post.

On that note, I have been going deeper and deeper into a dark hole for some time now. I come out, feel like I can handle the challenge, find words of comfort that do inspire and lift me, but until I choose to DO something to make a change, nothing will change. Case in point: I have been dealing with anger now. (Grieving has stages that you go through and I daresay that you can go back and forth between them for years.) Anger towards my Saviour and my Heavenly Father for taking Brian home. It had started to penetrate my whole being. My countenance, my weight, my attitude toward life.

I was praying. I was reading good books. (From time to time) and reading my scriptures, but oh so briefly. A combination of things occurred. First, I saw my little girls kneeling beside their beds one night and checked myself. I felt guilty for I had not knelt to pray for ages. I simply crawled into bed and prayed there. It started as a kneel in bed and then turned into a lazy lay down prayer. I am not saying that I wasn't heard but I wasn't showing the respect and reverence, nor was my prayer as focused as it could have been. But I was hit and miss with changing myself. I was too angry to want to. Then I  listened to a conference talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, entitled Make Exercise of Faith Your First Priority. He says,

    "The first tool is prayer. Choose to converse with your Father in Heaven often. Make time every day to share your thoughts and feelings with Him. Tell Him everything that concerns you. He is interested in the most important as well as the most mundane facets of your life. Share with Him your full range of feelings and experiences.

Because He respects your agency, Father in Heaven will never force you to pray to Him. But as you exercise that agency and include Him in every aspect of your daily life, your heart will begin to fill with peace, buoyant peace. That peace will focus an eternal light on your struggles. It will help you to manage those challenges from an eternal perspective."

I realized I must DO something. I was a person of strong faith, so what was I thinking? Letting the adversary destroy me? I knelt in prayer. I showed Heavenly Father that I was willing to DO something differently. It wasn't a big thing, but it changed my spirit. I also started to study my scriptures instead of just reading them. I would have a question, or an idea in my head so I would look up in the topical guide and find appropriate verses to study. "By simple things are great things brought to pass." Alma 37:6

The third change came just two weekends ago. I had prayed to be enlightened while attending Stake Conference at church. The final speaker was our Stake President. He spoke of our Saviour in Gethsemane. He told of how the Saviour, even Jesus Christ himself, felt every sin and pain ever inflicted on humankind. How He bled from every pore. Then our Stake President said that the Saviour had wept. I was not surprised by this, but when he said that Jesus was a sensitive man, that touched my heart. I have met only a few sensitive men. They were and are strong, mature, loving and respectable men. I began to see the Saviour in a new way. Yes, He is God, but He was also a man. I came away desiring to know Him on a more personal level.

This past week my anger is lifting immensely. I feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost and it's promptings. I feel lighter. I see more of my blessings. I still have my trials. I still face the same daily issues. Life is the same but my perspective is changing more and more for the better. 

I just hope my faith and testimony haven't taken such a beaten that I stumble and fall too hard when the next set of challenges and trails come. 

As I tell my kids, "All things happen for a reason." I look forward to feeling happiness in abundance again. I look forward to getting to know Jesus as a real person. 

May you find peace and happiness in your journey. =)

    

Happy Thanksgiving

The thought occurred to me that I should perhaps start off with a pumpkin pie link, seeing as it's Thanksgiving here. I have not yet tried it-as I am sitting here, at our campsite, reading and reflecting.

The leaves are a plethora of beautiful colours, the evergreen trees sit majestically on the mountais with happy little orange and yellow surprises amongst them. The sun was shining and the mountain sparkled when the light rested upon it.

This is part of my reflection. When The Son rests upon us, if we are patiently obeying, how much of His light will reflect and sparkle from us?

I have been fighting a battle again. This has been ongoing for sometime. It snuck in until it grew too large to be ignored. Anger. When you mess with evil feelings they grow larger and can invite more unwelcomed feelings too. Hurt. Resentment. (You get it)

I have been hurting and mad at my Maker for taking my best friend. I needed him here to baptize my two little girls. I have needed Brian when my girls miss him and are crying and I can do nothing to make the hurt go away. As the anger grew, my spirit suffered. My faith weakened. My relationships began to suffer too.

The heavens had slowly been closing their doors and I was no longer basking in His light. The blessings that I had enjoyed so effortlessly were fading and as I look back, that may have been when I began to struggle. As I was required to stand on my own-again.

I am still reading (since I began to homeschool my personal reading is time limited!) Journey to the Veil by John Pontius. I found his words enlightening.

I wish to quote his words, "When we pay the price for some new spiritual growth, we arrive at a spiritual high, or a type of honeymoon period where we bask in the new blessings, the powerful prayers, the peace, and constant revelation. Obedience is there because everything is so wonderful! ...But alas, we are living on borrowed light-the Lord's light. We are glowing with spiritual power that is not our own.
     The Spirit begins to withdraw to give us the opportunity to continue in this level of obedience through the darkness...
     The adversary whispers, '... See, you're not good enough. You're too weak to maintain any great blessings. '
     The truth is that the rise of this additional opposition and loss of spiritual power is part of the plan. It gives us a chance to be tested at this new level of spiritual growth. "
     He continues,"We are not lost in some spiritual wilderness but are climbing upward upon the ordained path that leads to eternal vistas.
     It is the way of growth."

Phew. That makes me feel better.

Remember when I wrote about a great gift I received from the Lord? I felt unworthy because of the hurt, disappointment and anger I had been experiencing. I was feeling depressed on occasion too and beginning to doubt my worth. John's words are comforting when he says, "We should cease to chastise and punish ourselves because we are struggling.  We should cease to berate ourselves because we have not yet conquered every obstacle. We should cease to shame ourselves because we seem to lack the strength to climb out of the hole we find ourselves in."

There is so much to learn in his life. Relying on our Savior is key.

There is so much to be grateful for.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Homeschool

Ok, well I don't like to make it a habit of talking bad about others on my blog, but let's suffice it to say that leaving my children's school to homeschool was a most wonderful decision!

My children and I returned home after an ordeal, and kneeled down to pray. They had just been on an emotional roller coaster. We prayed for the person, and we prayed again for reconfirmation. Seconds after I arose my phone flashed, not once but twice with positive messages about my homeschooling endeavours. Phew!

I had home schooled once with my one of my other children. We tackled it for two years. It was good. In fact, I can see how our relationship grew closer as did her self motivation. My biggest problem was myself. I let others opinions, (which homeschool wasn't super main stream as it is today) affect my thoughts and judgment. I thought she wasn't up to speed with the other kids in a "brick and mortar" school. I worried about how she would grade compared to them. Well, haha no need to have worried, when I placed her back in school, (only because of my worries), she was top of her class with remarkable honours with distinction! Then, when she went on to high school, she entered a PSDL (personal self directed learning) school and there received many scholarships!

So, here I am again tackling homeschool. And as I normally do, I LIKE TO BIT OFF more than I should chew. This time I am teaching my 3 youngest girls. I am working out the transition. HAHAHA!!

I love that I can teach my girls more fully the gospel. No more funky teachers telling my children that good things don't come from God! Crazy. In the mornings, we kneel to pray at the table, sleepy heads leaning on the cushions of the chairs. We have a Book of Mormon study guide that I purchased online and print off pages as we go. I love the conversations we have our thoughts go into deep reflection. How would you feel if your brothers (sisters and brother in our case) beat the snot out of you? And then tried to kill you because you were younger and they did not want you to be a ruler and spiritual leader over them? Would you "frankly forgive them" as Nephi did? (1 Nephi 7:21) Resounding no's I tell you…lol

I knew it would be work, but…I have to read all three girls manuals for math and writing and spelling and and and…then prepare in my mind what I will teach. Luckily, I like the teaching part, once I know the material it is fun to play around with ideas to get us all thinking. But, I am temporarily (?) exhausted.

The exhaustion actually stems from the fighting. Whaaatt? My kids fight? This is the case whenever I have to step out to run an errand or go to voice lessons. The oldest of the three is in grade 7 so I am free to leave them. But seriously? Not only that, but we have some keeners who go so fast that I have to speed read the lesson because I myself haven't read that far ahead and others who like to argue argue argue about getting down to business and lack confidence within themselves (which is entirely unwarranted) and then when they do their work it's fantastic! Geesh. I tell you.

Anyone out there with similar homeschooling experience?

Did I mention that I also started a book club within my ward and with fellow friends? Chew chew chew

Do You Love Me?

I have struggled many times now, wondering if Jesus and Heavenly Father love me as much as they love -you. As I was reading tonight I prayed again, "Do you love me as much as you love them?" Immediately, quietly and tenderly I heard, "I send you Brian." 

It's true. He does. He sends me back my deceased best friend when I need him. I feel his closeness and know he's there. 

He loves me. I've been angry for so long in my heart. I've been hurting that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ would take away my best and truest friend and companion I had ever had, but He is kind enough to send him back to me, almost daily, to comfort me, testify and teach me and sometimes just "be"with me. How foolish I have been. 

It was good to be reminded. 

Do You Feel Worthy? REALLY?

Something wonderful happened to me the other day. I don't wish to announce it to the world so let it suffice that I had been wanting an "object" for some time. I prayed about it to make sure I wasn't being greedy, and then one of my younger daughter's reminded me to,"send it out into the universe," because a goal isn't a goal unless written down with a date and specific details. It's just a dream. Well, I followed her advice and did so. That very day as my family and I went looking for this "thing" again, a small miracle happened and we found ourselves in possession of said object.

It was a wonderful surprise. I was shocked. But then I started to weep, then cry. I did not feel I was worthy of such a gift from my Father in Heaven. I felt guilty, confused, selfish, spoiled and sad. Yet, I didn't feel it was a bad choice. (Hard to articulate.) I wondered if I, me, little me, deserved such a thing. My husband was very confused and said we could get rid of it. This was not what I wanted to hear. But, since he does't speak "girl"I decided to translate my girl language for him. I needed to be reassured that I was good enough to have nice things.

I wondered if I had done any good…as the LDS hymn goes, "Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? Have I cheered up the sad or made someone feel glad?…"Had I done anything like this to be worthy? Was Heavenly Father blessing me? I had a hard time accepting that. (#223 Have I Done Any Good?) 

So I cried a lot that night. My husband assured me and I had my own spiritual assurance as well. However, as soon as I felt the judgement from a loved one or friend, ouch. The adversary would tell me I didn't deserve anything nice.

Well, Satan- you're wrong!

Let's look at the differences between self worth and self-esteem with some help from Ardeth….=)

"Self worth cannot be earned. It is a part of our divine nature as children of God." (Ardeth G. Kapp, "Doing What We Came To Do" p. 15)

(It's interesting how you can read a book and then feel the need to go back and find what you need. So, here's a whole whack of quotes from her book, cuz I need to quote them for me and for you.)

"Feeling loved, with an assurance of our infinite worth, has a tremendous effect on our ability to accept and love others."

" The source of all righteous love is centred in God. A feeling of who we were, who we are, and who we will always be. We did not come to this earth to gain our worth; we brought it with us." 

"Worth is constant and unchanging. It is a fact that worthiness does not determine wort. You cannot sin enough to change your worth to the Lord who loves you. In Jacob 2:21 this principle is explained very clearly: 'And the one being is as precious in his sight as the other."

(check out Psalm 49:8, Alma 31:35 and Isaiah 13:12 as she suggests, to find a little evidence)

"Self-esteem is defined as 'a confidence and satisfaction in oneself' (Meririam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary). In other words, it's your perspective of yourself…Circumstances of life appear to have a tremendous influence on self-esteem, to the extent that people who have been verbally, emotionally or physically abused may even respond as they have been treated…That's a challenge we all face - to not allow our perception of ourselves to be negatively impacted by the way we might sometimes be treated."

(Italics and bold added by me =)

"God loves all of you! From your eyelashes down to your toenails, He sees marvellous perfection. When He looks at you, He does not complain and say, 'Oh, I'd like you better if you had fuller lips and caramel highlights.' That never enters His mind."(Precious in His Sight, Seeing Yourself as God Sees You by Jodi Marie Robinson p. 38…this is another book worth discussing)

So, I have been blessed with many wonderful blessings. My children, my two husbands, (one on either side of the veil), health, wisdom, increasing talents, new experiences, and new "things". Even though that woman at the gym this morning was without body fat, I will think about her on the inside (which probably has no body fat either! haha Just kidding.) I will love my curves and my all my edges* and I will try to remember that I already have worth. My self esteem is my perspective of myself and I will love myself and that should transfer into loving others more. I have already seen a bit of this which I explained in my previous post entitled Summer Milestone. Now if we could just be happy for each other and not jealous….
well, good luck on this journey!!

*(John Legend "All of Me" song )

Are PRIDE and FEAR destroying our relationships?

{Note to my friends out there who read this and support me, thank you. Today I received word that I am qualified to hold two certifications for personal training. Whoo hoo!}

That was just a side note to all my friends and family who have been wanting to know my status. Now on to another topic which I have been wanting to write about for some time.

Today I wanted to focus on how pride or the lack of, and fear, can make or break our relationships. 

 What is this pride? 

PRIDE

See also Humble, Humility; Money; Riches; Vain, Vanity; Worldliness

A lack or absence of humility or teachableness. Pride sets people in opposition to each other and to God. A proud person sets himself above those around him and follows his own will rather than God’s will. Conceit, envy, hardheartedness, and haughtiness are also typical of a proud person.

found here:https://www.lds.org/scriptures/gs/pride

I have had experience with both in my lives. (Who hasn't ?)

Let's be frank, shall we? The people in my life who have not been full of pride are the ones who were the greatest people I have ever met. They were teachable. If I were to ask them to do something that could improve our relationship, they would kindly consider my input, and then put into action the change. This ALWAYS created more harmony and I in turn looked at them with higher regard. I would actually stand in awe that they could be so strong and confident in themselves to let go of pride.

For example: A working husband comes home, tired. He leaves his work behind and lays down on the  couch. A wife, also tired from her constant running around with children and household duties sees him there. She kisses his cheek but wishes he would help kids with homework so that she can finish making dinner. Later that evening she tells him this is what she feels could strengthen their relationship. Instead of arguing, he simply helps her from then on. 

• How quick are the children of men lifted up in pride:Hel. 12:4–5;

Now, the opposite is also true. (which is so frustrating because these people ALWAYS got it wrong. I think they believed that if they did "not back down" and "proved their point" that they would be respected more, honoured more and be the "big man" so to speak.) Whenever someone would try to make a positive change or suggest a correction in attitude or behaviour, they would not let go of pride. This has cost them many relationships, pushing away those who would love them deeper and stronger. (Which is what they really wanted in the end and most of them are lonely, confused, hurt and angry).

FEAR

See also Courage, Courageous; Faith; Reverence

Fear can have two meanings: (1) to fear God is to feel reverence and awe for him and to obey his commandments; (2) to fear man, mortal dangers, pain, and evil is to be afraid of such things and to dread them. https://www.lds.org/scriptures/gs/fear?lang=eng&letter=f

I also think that FEAR can also come across as PRIDE. My loved one has a relationship but is often sabotaging it. This person longs to be loved, respected, admired, have a best friend they can trust, but…they have closed their heart for fear of being hurt. (If you think I am talking about you, I probably am ;) but this has also affected me too.) I do know that loving deep inside and then having your heart torn apart in an instant is crushing. I also know the way love feels when all guard is down, trusting the other,  letting go to the silliness inside that lifts you and saying all the "cheesy" things like in the movies - (I do love "cheese"!) work's! Your spirit lifts, soars and refuses to come down to the complacency that everyone else knows as "life". 

• God hath not given us the spirit of fear:2 Tim. 1:7;

For example: Husband comes home wanting to hold his wife, tell her about his day, but does not because they haven't really had that kind of relationship in years. He fears to make the change.

OR

Wife wants to be held, wants to feel magic and sparks, but then refuses to let her husband touch her for fear she will just be let down, or let him down.

It goes both ways.

I only speak what I have experienced. I too have things I need to work on. Everyone does. The yes tpart about life is that we keep getting chances every single day until we are called back home. So today I will make a new life correction and if I fail, I will wake up, pray for forgiveness and help to succeed and try again. (Just like how we learned to walk, to ride a bike, to feed ourselves).

You and I do not have to simply live. We can be happy, we can "Love like we'll never get hurt". Please take the chance, let go of pride and fear. Allow love to change you. I will too. ;>

The Son is shining! The sun is shining!

How grateful I am for the gospel. How grateful I am for other people's experiences that teach me. How grateful I am for other people's talent. A short time ago, my husband, and I with some family members went to the movie (based on a true story) Heaven is For Real. I have been reading much about near death experiences and so was not shocked by what was said. I saw wet eyes, and tears running down peoples cheeks, and I heard much sniffling throughout the theatre. I cried and covered my face when they showed fire. The best parts for me were when they spoke about the Saviour's eyes. The theatre fell silent. Again, at the end when they showed His face, the theatre took on a reverence. It was fantastic! So many people learning about/remembering our Saviour, Jesus Christ and being respectful. Often in secular films depicting the Saviour, this is not the case. Films miss the mark.

I also very much enjoyed the fact that what he sees verifies much of what we already know as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I also read on the internet that the Heaven is For Real movie beat out Captain America in the box office. Wow!

Here's a clip for you:

http://youtu.be/mydh4MEo2B0

Colton's youtube story is here: http://youtu.be/hhT36Dizo2s

Jesus with little child

https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/jesus-with-young-child-1127677?lang=eng&category=

I hope you get the chance to see it. If you have had any experience with Heaven, I hope you'll ponder on these things and continue to learn more about them on our journey called life. =)

Because of Him

Happy Easter Everyone

I have believed in the Resurrection for years, but since my husband died I cherish this precious gift even more.

http://easter.mormon.org/?cid=HPTU041514694

A reason to be happy on our journey =} 

I just want you to understand

My closest friends have said I should be more honest with how my days truly are, how my life really is. What do I feel? What have I gone through? Well, that is, "easy for them to say. I want to share with the world my difficulties in order to help someone else, but I also want to share my triumphs with others too. Why is it so hard to be "real"? Because not everyone is ready for it, and some (more than I wish to say) get their feelings hurt.

It has been boiling down to this: me being willing to take the plunge. I figure those that were sitting on the fence, or being somewhat forced to be a part of my life due to the change is circumstances will either grow closer because they understand and care, be oblivious, or they will distance themselves. All the other people like this have already left my life in judgement. Some have been furious and others are seeming to make their way back.

Truth hurts. I hurt. My kids hurt. We hurt when others forget that we are still healing and ignore the look of pain in our eyes when they talk about Daddy's, death, fires, fire trucks, airplane crashes, birthdays, baptisms, Christmases, Halloweens, weddings etc. We trust that for the most part people aren't naturally trying to be mean. The truth is, if I had been 75 years old and my husband had died, I would have been treated differently than I am. But I am young & my children are young.

Brian is on the left.

Our children. My children. I love them so deeply. The accident shifted my heart in ways I did not expect. Yes, I loved them before, but I have to admit I loved Brian deeper. He was the only one who truly loved me unconditionally. He was always there, and he treated me like a Queen. When He died I went through a difficult time of wanting to be where Brian was and no one on earth could change that feeling. I had never been loved before like Brian loved me. (I have no siblings, and my family is…distant.) (Those who have suffered the loss of someone close are not shocked by this fact. Stages of grief, my friends… stages of grief.) When these feelings subdued, I recognized a deeper love for my girls, and a much deeper sense of protection.

So, my children and I have a new life, a new home, a new church family and a new family;  a blended family at that. On paper it sounds uncomplicated but it has so many layers. I see how we (and they) try to fit in, but we always miss the mark. We are loved but not the same way. My joys and that of my children are not reciprocated as equally and this hurts but if you say anything then our hurt becomes greater, deeper, as others attack you for the way you feel. We need to talk and let everything out, but now-a-days there are few left to listen (unless you pay them to, I guess).

So, today I sit with exciting news inside my heart, but a deep sadness that I cannot share wholeheartedly. A sadness that this joy may be addressed briefly while others' news may take precedence. This is often the case. (Being hurt, means being sensitive.)

I was told by a Dr. that the best medicine is to be the best person you can be every day and that the healing would work itself out. I have been, silly! He doesn't know me except for a few minute sessions, but that's okay. I agree with that philosophy.

Today

My motivation today was the dentist and groceries. Get those done and perhaps make some time for me and study my fitness trainers programme. (yes, still!) I felt the need to blog and so I am taking me time to do to just that. I still feel like a cloudy day, but I am not genuinely unhappy. The drive to take care of my kids and my family keeps me running, and today I will run again as soon as the kids get home, until 8 pm tonight. I have only allowed my children to be involved in one extracurricular each, but this still keeps me hopping.

Someone from my church ward texted me, which I thought was super sweet. I have been feeling like I have no friends ever since we moved; feeling very alone.  I do extend myself and make an effort. (The irony here is that whenever I say this out loud, people think I am joking. They have said I look like I have it all together--the prefect life. I have people who are jealous of me. Crazy. They don't want the life I have led. What are they thinking? I have to work super hard to be strong, courageous and still vulnerable so that my heart does not go hard. Maybe I make it look easy. hahah ;) Seriously, I am laughing a funny laugh here.)

So, what does your day look like for you? Are you struggling too? Reality is-we all are. Can we try to love one another for our differences? I am trying to love those who have turned their backs on me and continue to hurt me. I know they don't understand.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (of which I am a part) held it's 184th General Conference this past weekend. I heard this talk and loved it. I will watch it and read it again. Right now I share it with you.

Here's the link:  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf LDS General Conference

I am not pretending. I am trying hard to be happy on this journey! Join in?

=)

Healthy

Hi! I went to a naturopath the other day! I kept telling the doctors my symptoms for years, with always the same answers. So, today was a new experience. He explained how we needed to find the problem not just treat the symptoms. He took over an hour to meet with me. I returned home, mixed up my "cocktail" and within an hour had results! I have had some personal troubles with a health issue for years. Now I will continue with this new "magic potion" (lol) for a few months and see if things continue to get better.
Another thing I found most interesting: he asked me a very personal question about my late husband and then explained some things on that level. Wow! For a professional to acknowledge a personal spiritual matter was incredible. I know that God created science, not the other way around. I know that there are many levels to improving and maintaining health. The question he asked  (and I am not willing to share with you as of yet my answer) was: "Do you talk to him?" At first I thought he had misunderstood that Brian was dead  ;/

On that note I thought I would share with all of you, a great piece of advice he gave me. When working through the stages of grief, you may find that you bounce around from one to another. (The stages of grief are not linear.) Bargaining, to anger, denial, back to anger…etc. (Which I know already), however, okay, let's make this easier… I am stuck in the anger stage, it will drift into the back ground and then resurface. He said for me not to think I am failing because I have already dealt with "anger" but that my body has healed enough to bring "anger" (insert your own stage of grief) back to the surface to cope and work through again for a while and will continue to do so until I have found my inner peace.

Here's another point to consider and I share to help…He mentioned that until I have worked my way through all the stages of grief and found this inner peace, I will not be able to give "my all" to my new hubby, and to let him know that it is not him. It is my grief and my healing process that contribute to the depth of our relationship. This rings true for me. I love him so much but because I hold onto anger, and sometimes bargaining… they consume me and take up "my love space."


Here are the 5 stages of grief. Remember you can grieve over the loss of a pet, divorce, or a stressful trauma like hearing you have cancer.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

This may be a helpful link: grief.comhttp://grief.com

I found these wonderful pictures on the internet and wanted to share them with you.

Here is what the artist had to say about this…

After my father died, I received a great desire to paint a picture of the Spirit World, a gift of peace for my family and yours. On the right side, in the lower area by the tunnel, family and friends are saying goodbye to their loved ones who are going to earth to be born. On the left side, family and friends gather together to welcome their loved ones back home into the Spirit World; They have come through the tunnel of darkness into the light.
http://www.ldsart.com

(I absolutely LOVE this picture of our Savior, Jesus Christ)

Liz Lemon Swindle says this about her art.

Surely the Savior knew from an early age the path that lie ahead of Him, yet He was not discouraged or dismayed. He went about doing good and filled His life, and the lives of others, with joy and happiness.

I am inspired by the story of Reverend Henry Lyte. Henry´s father abandoned the family while he was a young boy and his mother died shortly after. In addition to being orphaned at an early age, Henry struggled throughout his life with poor health - yet all that knew him commented on his cheery temperament. His final contribution came just three weeks before his death. Though he was dying of tuberculosis, Henry was still determined to give to others. He rose from his bed and penned the words that would become the cherished hymn,

Abide with Me.

Abide with Me!
fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens.
Lord with me abide.

When other helpers
Fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, oh,
Abide with me!

Certainly none of us can walk through life free from illness and despair, but we each can decide how we will respond to those trials that come. This painting reminds me when trials come that I can choose to retreat into myself, or I can choose to reach out as the Savior did and bring happiness to others. Only selfless sacrifice can we ever hope to abide with the Lord.

And I searched long and hard to find these. I knew they were out there but I had no idea who the artist was. His name is Doc Christensen. Here's his link DocBox.org

I know that the Savior watches over us and I know that there are angels very, very close. AS they say, "There are angels among us."

The Tattooed Mormon

Yes, I am a Mormon. One day (if yer lucky ;) I may just share my testimony with you!)

This lady's testimony is wonderfully fresh. Here's the video link. I hope you enjoy. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=skPS0yWsFxA#

Bullying

Goodness, this is a huge problem!

The other day, someone I love was being bullied, I suggested this person send this link to their texting bully. And then consequently, keep sending this person something uplifting about the Saviour each time they were cruel. One of two things could happen, (I figure)…1. They could realize they need to repent and come closer to Christ, or 2. This bully would get tired of reading about the good word of Christ.

Here's the link too…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYVvE4tr2BI&list=PL4E784EC0770935C0

Maybe this will help you or your children.

Net =>, still working hard on this journey…..

Thank you for filling me in on the video problem. I think I have corrected it now. Just click on the links and it will take you to the video source. =}

My girls thought the following link would be appropriate as we are considering a cruise sometime this year and it goes along well with my topic today...

Since the accident, the Lord has truly blessed us with our new life.  I have taken the counsel to pray and ask for the Spirit to gently remind me what to be grateful for. I am very grateful for many things, but He always reminds me to be grateful for "My Life". That is the gentle reminder I seem to always get. If you're a griever you may understand how days can go by that seem neither good nor bad, they just "are". You may also find yourself "waiting" out your existence. Death is not scary now for I have a friend waiting there for me. But, my life is not done. I have children to teach, to play with, to watch grow, to cherish now and for all eternity.  I have a new family that fits into my ever growing heart. I have new and interesting  people to meet, a great big beautiful world to see, knowledge to gain and talents I have not discovered or have yet to 'master'. And yet, I do need to be reminded to be grateful for my life for my life is abundant.

We all have our trials. Some of us must have signed up for more than others… ;) raising our hands at each one, so eager to come to earth, to grown and learn and return with honour to our Heavenly Father. So hang on. Remember that:
" faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." Ether 12:6

On that note, enjoy the video and I hope we will all try a little harder each day to live up to our potential and our privileges, whatever they may be at this time. Enjoy your journey!

Your Potential, Your Privileges

This is also wonderful: 

A Beautiful Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks

This is a most moving song too:

(or My name is Hope by Kirsten Milsap)

Another testament of the Plan of Salvation

Our Angel: Round About to Lift Us Up

Three years ago today I stood with my girls beside a wooden box. Tears filled our eyes and ran down our faces. Grandpa (Brian's Dad) stood stiff as a board; trying hard not to show any feelings. Perhaps not wanting to break down in front of my little girls. We were given markers to write our feelings of love and tenderness; our goodbyes on the box. That's when I felt him standing beside me. I was overcome with peace. How could I cry tears of sadness in missing Brian when I felt him so strongly by my side? I could not. I was warm. I was comforted. I knew Brian existed in some new form. He was lifting us up, supporting us in this - the most difficult time of our lives.
Pressing the big red button was really tough though, even with Brian there. So difficult. So very difficult. This was my beautiful husbands remains from a terrible flying accident where his body was burnt. And here I was sending what was found in the rubble back into the flames: his tall, slender body, his tender hands, his fast running feet, his strong bike riding legs, his dark curly hair, gentle hazel eyes with flecks of gold. (What was really left of him laying in that box, I did not know. I was told it was his torso.) I watched as the box made its way down the conveyor belt until the metal door closed. How is it possible to be at your most painful grief-stricken moment in your life and to also feel peace? Brian was with us the whole time.

He is still their Daddy. He still loves them and cares about what they learn and who they become. He is still his father's son. They have now been reunited. His is still my eternal companion, one of my very best friends. And even though I have faith that we will both be reunited again and both be resurrected as the Savior's Atonment promises, I still miss him. The tears are fewer and far between but I will always miss him. Until we meet again - Brian is our angel.

The Plan of Salvation

Why I have an eternal family.

Families Can Be Together Forever

Angels are around us to bear us up. - Just like My Brian is to us! =] 

Plane crash survivors. 

Realize Your Potential

Have you ever wondered what you were supposed to be "when you grew up"? I still wonder that. In fact, have you ever wondered what your talents were, how to find them, magnify them - use them in the way that you were designed to?

No Way?! Me too! So, while reading in my trainer's study guide, I came across an account of this man, Clarence DeMar -"Mr. Marathon". He ran in more than 1000 long distance traces, entered the Boston Marathon 34 times -winning it 7 times and finishing in the top 10, 15 times! This next part is what I want to achieve (somewhat, I'll explain further later on). He also worked nights as a proofreader for a New England newspaper, ran a small farm, taught classes at a reformatory for boys, as well as fitting in time to train and stay in shape for all his cross-country races! Wowee! He stayed fit his whole life until cancer took over and Heavenly Father called him home.

My friend has told me about a boy her daughter knows, he too has focus and energy galore.  He made the decision to get out of a dark place and become more of who he was meant to be. He wakes up very early, reads, exercises, volunteers, helps in coaching of other kids sports, has time to travel…he is a meagre high school boy.

Age doesn't seem to be a factor now does it? Nope. Desire. Yes. Fitness and Focus. Absolutely!

This is my plan for growth. You can call it change if you will but I prefer growth. We all face changes every day. What we choose to do with those changes, because we have agency (choice) is where we can grow or atrophy.

Part A

Stay fit. Exercise daily. (Eat healthier) Keep my body and mind strong and active. When we exercise we allow more oxygen to flow throughout our body, making us have more energy, helping us to act as though we have taken "happy pills".  Therefore, by exercising I am allowing myself to have more energy to accomplish more things, and the brain power to be more alert, attentive and wiser in what I learn and choose. (And as a woman, less prone to being emotional…? Ha! We shall see, just ask my husband in 3 months ;)

Part B

Our True Identity 

Part C

"Every person is different and has a different contribution to make. No one is destined to fail." 

Pres. Henry B. Eyring

Look at this amazing true video.

"We can follow and accomplish our dreams in life. Anything is possible." Kuha'o

"God knows our gifts. My challenge to you is to pray to know the gifts we have been given, to know how to develop them and to recognize the opportunities to serve others that God provides us."

 Pres. Henry B. Eyring 

This is my Part C that will ever be a work in progress until I am called back home. I desire to know my gifts. How to recognize what I may have but have not been fully aware of, how to develop my talents/gifts and how to use them to serve others. I know that my Heavenly Father has a great plan for me, and for you. My hope is that we strive to reach our full potential and be who we were created to be here on this earth to the best of our capabilities. I can't do that slumping on a couch, or laying in bed. (Although there may be times - just don't stay there). I hope to have more energy, better health and to go forward with faith. 

Although, since I have now posted my goals to the world, I am sure that the Adversary will try to thwart my efforts in this great cause. However, I will press on.

If you are searching too, I hope together our knees get tough from all our praying and seeking. Here's wishing you all the best as you seek to…

Be Happy On Your Journey!