This summer has held some firsts for me. My first child got married this summer. I turned a "milestone" birthday this year. I also didn't have as hard a time with Brian's anniversary of his death. It still was a very sad day, but not as hard as the years before. (Tomorrow also marks the 4 year anniversary of the day we cremated Brian.) I also travelled on my own and did many things in that regard that I had never done before. Phew! I must finally be growing up!
Truth is, my young life was one where I didn't learn as much independence and gain as much self esteem as I could have and so I continue to try new things, learn new things, discover new talents and better myself as much as possible. Don't get me wrong, I definitely face head on, the worst person who puts me down constantly - me. I need to learn to tell that "me" to take a hike!
Okay, here's a picture of me at my surprise birthday party. My husband threw it for me and I was so…well, surprised! It was by far the best birthday I have ever had. He even sang one of "our" songs in front of everyone. I was very touched.
Now, I realize my thoughts are everywhere. That is because it is late…my hubby was able to get the computer fixed and I am so eager to write to you all.
The biggest milestone for me this summer was JOY. And I think I know why. Yes, time heals all wounds. And yes, time has passed. Months ago while I had a brief pause in my daughters wedding plans, I heard (and this was my spirit hearing his) Brian. The veil was very thin immediately after he passed so it was sweet to hear him again. This time however, he told me to "Love Kevin more." And that was it. This really ticked me off. This was like he grabbed my heart and squeezed. I felt he was ditching me. I felt he was eager to move on and I was holding him back from some type of Heavenly duty. I was angry. (I have been working on my grieving anger so this just added another layer). Of course, I prayed about it and told Heavenly Father how much this hurt and to please help me understand it and love Kevin more. Well, as much as any woman hates to admit that their spouse is right, can you even begin to imagine how it feels to admit your dead husband is right? ;) I found my thoughts were even kinder at times toward Kevin. (Silly that I would even notice that) but the biggest moments were: 1. on my birthday and 2. on our family reunion trip this summer
I had assumed when I turned 40, (ahhh I can't believe I just admitted that to the world! Oh well, let's just be honest with each other, shall we?) I would have a break down. Brian never was 40, he would never be 40 and I was never older than him. This used to cause me great devastation. Yet, here I was, having a peaceful day, a happy day with friends and family who loved me. Kevin had sacrificed so much for me to have a wonderful birthday. (And ladies, I even went shopping earlier that day for jeans and found some that fit me perfectly!! Whoo hoo! How often does that happen? Hey?) And, then he sang. He is not a singer (nor am I, though I try) and he sounded awesome. How can he not, when singing from the heart?
The second memorable moment was on our trip, most especially one specific day. My thoughts were very loving and tender for Kevin that day. "My cup runneth over, with love. We spent our day laughing and having fun like little kids. We would paddle board together out into the lake and try hard to splash or see who could make the other fall off and then giggle in the water. Nothing fancy, just fun. We smiled more at one another, were more courteous and thoughtful and the day was fantastic, (this is how every day was with Brian. If you knew us together, you know it's true.)
This was what I was afraid of. Letting Kevin in to my special "inner circle"of Brian like love. There are circles but the inner circle is the one closest to my heart. This circle is most precious to me and I didn't want anyone else in there. Truth be told, silly me, that circle will always be Brian's special circle but I have discovered that Kevin now has his own inner circle.
Brian, you were right. To my reading friends, have you put two and two together yet? When I loved Kevin more, my heart had to kick out some of the grieving to allow in more love. My hurting is lifting because I am loving more. This journey isn't over. Now my heart is bigger to allow more love for more people. It is sad that I had to experience tragedy in order to learn how to love better.
I would love to hear your stories of how love has healed your heart. Send me an email.
Now because I think my puppy is adorable I had to include him in this blog…hahaha
May God Bless you as you go forward in faith, continuing your journey!
