My hope is that we remember to be grateful, we have hope for what lies ahead, (even our next life) and we enjoy this season.
Merry CHRISTmas! (The Nativity)
Merry CHRISTmas! (The Nativity)
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Monday, December 1, 2014
Hard to Make Changes
In the mornings I try to start us off with some scripture study and discussion. Today we discussed "agency". I'm trying to believe it wasn't an epic fail. We watched the following video and then wrote down our own individual goals that we posted in our rooms of things we want to improve upon this week. (How to better use our agency)
The Will of God
Homeschooling is a difficult sacrifice. The love I have for my children and the good days of learning are what keep me going.
However….
December is always a difficult month for me and my girls. Not only is Christmas time hard without Daddy but his birthday is also in December.
I have found that my and my girls emotions get more and more sensitive and therefore easily hurt until they peak at Christmas or sometimes the new Year.
I found and re-read my late husband's journal; this time to my girls. Honestly, nothing bad was said about anyone. His love for us was strong and ever apparent in his life and his words speak from the grave to us now. How he appreciated all the little things in life and lived each moment to the fullest is a testament of his great character.
This is what I hope for my children.
We discussed how they have so many "tools" in their "toolbox". They have a piece of their Daddy coursing through their veins, they have his great example, they have me (a far from perfect example but I am a true and constant in their life), they have a new father figure who cares for their over-all welfare, new siblings and new grandparents who sacrifice for them.
I asked them what kind of a mother and wife they would like to be when they grew up and they said like me. That was touching. I expressed to them how I expect them to be better than me. I hope that their children would be better than them and so on. Isn't that what we want for our future? Children to grow up stronger and more righteous than the previous generation?
That is what lead us to make our goals. (NO, it wasn't a pretty situation. No one liked thinking about changing themselves, only changing the others around them.) This never works, because of agency. We all have our freedom to choose. I can choose what manner of woman I want to be, I cannot make those same choices for my children, but I certainly hope I am putting in my share and more of the "tools" they will need in their "toolbox" to successfully make correct choices that will not only affect those immediately around them, but into the future.
Homeschooling is a difficult sacrifice. The love I have for my children and the good days of learning are what keep me going.
However….
December is always a difficult month for me and my girls. Not only is Christmas time hard without Daddy but his birthday is also in December.
I have found that my and my girls emotions get more and more sensitive and therefore easily hurt until they peak at Christmas or sometimes the new Year.
I found and re-read my late husband's journal; this time to my girls. Honestly, nothing bad was said about anyone. His love for us was strong and ever apparent in his life and his words speak from the grave to us now. How he appreciated all the little things in life and lived each moment to the fullest is a testament of his great character.
This is what I hope for my children.
We discussed how they have so many "tools" in their "toolbox". They have a piece of their Daddy coursing through their veins, they have his great example, they have me (a far from perfect example but I am a true and constant in their life), they have a new father figure who cares for their over-all welfare, new siblings and new grandparents who sacrifice for them.
I asked them what kind of a mother and wife they would like to be when they grew up and they said like me. That was touching. I expressed to them how I expect them to be better than me. I hope that their children would be better than them and so on. Isn't that what we want for our future? Children to grow up stronger and more righteous than the previous generation?
That is what lead us to make our goals. (NO, it wasn't a pretty situation. No one liked thinking about changing themselves, only changing the others around them.) This never works, because of agency. We all have our freedom to choose. I can choose what manner of woman I want to be, I cannot make those same choices for my children, but I certainly hope I am putting in my share and more of the "tools" they will need in their "toolbox" to successfully make correct choices that will not only affect those immediately around them, but into the future.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Fun Holiday Ideas
I just had to post these cute ideas before I forget.
(On the last post I said how I was busy making cookies, well, here is the link to the cookies we made, however, I am going to give you our sugar cookie recipe because the one this sweet lady posts was not a hit with my family. Her designs are absolutely amazing though! Take a peek!)
Here are some other amazing cookies she makes! WOW!!
She is truly an artist!
Here is our SUGAR COOKIE recipe. They make soft and chewy cookies and we never put the dough in the fridge first. I have a family of 6 kids and 1 son-in-law (and counting…? =) so who has time for that? I got this recipe from a friend over a decade ago and it has remained a favourite ever since.
SUGAR COOKIES
1 cup butter
1 1/2 cup icing sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 almond extract
Mix first 5 ingredients. Blend in the following:
1 tsp baking soda
2 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp cream of tartar
(Recipe says to cover and chill for 2-3 hours. We skip this) Divide in half and roll 1/4" thick. Too thin and they will burn and too thick they will not cook evenly. Cut into shapes and bake @ 375' for 7-8 min. Do not let get brown. (We use non stick pans, if you are using pans that stick then I suggest a lightly sprayed pan.)
Okay, the 2nd fabulous thing…
I just stumbled upon and had to share before I forget is this site.
They are awesome! They have so many fabulous ideas and free printables. I hope this helps you with your Christmas planning and date nights etc….
Show love to others on your journey… =>
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Angels & Accidents
Last week my husband was coming to give me a hug before he left to pick up our daughter from ballet. I felt this urge to pray for his safety. (I haven't felt that way for Kevin; anxious for his safety. I felt like that daily with Brian. One could say that my spirit must have know that he would one day tragically die.) This feeling surprised me a little and I could have easily ignored the feeling since I was decorating cookies. I obeyed the prompting of the Spirit and said a prayer. As he was leaving and while he was out I prayed 2 or more times. I continued on with my cookie decorating.
Sometime later my daughter came in and said that I needed to go see Kevin, that he wanted to speak to me in the garage; that they had gotten in an accident. I thought she was joking since she is one to stress out and she was taking this lightly. Regardless, I went and sure enough our new vehicle was damaged. They had been rear ended.
I was calm. I didn't even get mad, nor have I since. (Who was this person? haha) When I returned to the kitchen I began reflecting. It was just a vehicle. I was so grateful that I wasn't in the hospital praying for their lives. I wasn't receiving bad news and having to plan a funeral (like before). They were safe. Not a big deal.
I was impressed with so many thoughts all at once by the Spirit. They were safe because of prayer. Angels are sent to protect. Maybe it was Brian? I then had a wonderful impression/experience that he had indeed been sent to keep them safe and all because I had heeded a prompting from the Holy Ghost.
Wow. How many other fabulous blessings are happening all the time that go unnoticed?
Maybe this week we can count our blessings in our journey, the obvious and not so obvious ones…?
Sometime later my daughter came in and said that I needed to go see Kevin, that he wanted to speak to me in the garage; that they had gotten in an accident. I thought she was joking since she is one to stress out and she was taking this lightly. Regardless, I went and sure enough our new vehicle was damaged. They had been rear ended.
I was calm. I didn't even get mad, nor have I since. (Who was this person? haha) When I returned to the kitchen I began reflecting. It was just a vehicle. I was so grateful that I wasn't in the hospital praying for their lives. I wasn't receiving bad news and having to plan a funeral (like before). They were safe. Not a big deal.
I was impressed with so many thoughts all at once by the Spirit. They were safe because of prayer. Angels are sent to protect. Maybe it was Brian? I then had a wonderful impression/experience that he had indeed been sent to keep them safe and all because I had heeded a prompting from the Holy Ghost.
Wow. How many other fabulous blessings are happening all the time that go unnoticed?
Maybe this week we can count our blessings in our journey, the obvious and not so obvious ones…?
Monday, November 3, 2014
By Small and Simple Means are Great Things Brought to Pass
I hear more often than not about people blogging (or posting in other social media), about their wonderful lives and how this can be depressing to read and compare. This is because as human beings we tend to compare someone's best (or pretended best) to our worst when we feel down, and just the opposite is true when we feel proud or dominate.
I have also viewed a few blogs briefly that are negative and offensive. These drag me down and do nothing to uplift, or inspire me.
This being said, I have often contemplated what to write. I want you, my readers and friends to realize that I am human too and although I have a different life that you, I still struggle, have challenges and trials but try my best to rise above. I do not feel like posting, (nor do I think I should) when the adversary is lying and deceiving me and making me feel terrible about myself and my life's situation.I wait for the challenge to end, or until I have resurfaced from it and then post.
On that note, I have been going deeper and deeper into a dark hole for some time now. I come out, feel like I can handle the challenge, find words of comfort that do inspire and lift me, but until I choose to DO something to make a change, nothing will change. Case in point: I have been dealing with anger now. (Grieving has stages that you go through and I daresay that you can go back and forth between them for years.) Anger towards my Saviour and my Heavenly Father for taking Brian home. It had started to penetrate my whole being. My countenance, my weight, my attitude toward life.
I was praying. I was reading good books. (From time to time) and reading my scriptures, but oh so briefly. A combination of things occurred. First, I saw my little girls kneeling beside their beds one night and checked myself. I felt guilty for I had not knelt to pray for ages. I simply crawled into bed and prayed there. It started as a kneel in bed and then turned into a lazy lay down prayer. I am not saying that I wasn't heard but I wasn't showing the respect and reverence, nor was my prayer as focused as it could have been. But I was hit and miss with changing myself. I was too angry to want to. Then I listened to a conference talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, entitled Make Exercise of Faith Your First Priority. He says,
"The first tool is prayer. Choose to converse with your Father in Heaven often. Make time every day to share your thoughts and feelings with Him. Tell Him everything that concerns you. He is interested in the most important as well as the most mundane facets of your life. Share with Him your full range of feelings and experiences.
I have also viewed a few blogs briefly that are negative and offensive. These drag me down and do nothing to uplift, or inspire me.
This being said, I have often contemplated what to write. I want you, my readers and friends to realize that I am human too and although I have a different life that you, I still struggle, have challenges and trials but try my best to rise above. I do not feel like posting, (nor do I think I should) when the adversary is lying and deceiving me and making me feel terrible about myself and my life's situation.I wait for the challenge to end, or until I have resurfaced from it and then post.
On that note, I have been going deeper and deeper into a dark hole for some time now. I come out, feel like I can handle the challenge, find words of comfort that do inspire and lift me, but until I choose to DO something to make a change, nothing will change. Case in point: I have been dealing with anger now. (Grieving has stages that you go through and I daresay that you can go back and forth between them for years.) Anger towards my Saviour and my Heavenly Father for taking Brian home. It had started to penetrate my whole being. My countenance, my weight, my attitude toward life.
I was praying. I was reading good books. (From time to time) and reading my scriptures, but oh so briefly. A combination of things occurred. First, I saw my little girls kneeling beside their beds one night and checked myself. I felt guilty for I had not knelt to pray for ages. I simply crawled into bed and prayed there. It started as a kneel in bed and then turned into a lazy lay down prayer. I am not saying that I wasn't heard but I wasn't showing the respect and reverence, nor was my prayer as focused as it could have been. But I was hit and miss with changing myself. I was too angry to want to. Then I listened to a conference talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, entitled Make Exercise of Faith Your First Priority. He says,
"The first tool is prayer. Choose to converse with your Father in Heaven often. Make time every day to share your thoughts and feelings with Him. Tell Him everything that concerns you. He is interested in the most important as well as the most mundane facets of your life. Share with Him your full range of feelings and experiences.
Because He respects your agency, Father in Heaven will never force you to pray to Him. But as you exercise that agency and include Him in every aspect of your daily life, your heart will begin to fill with peace, buoyant peace. That peace will focus an eternal light on your struggles. It will help you to manage those challenges from an eternal perspective."
I realized I must DO something. I was a person of strong faith, so what was I thinking? Letting the adversary destroy me? I knelt in prayer. I showed Heavenly Father that I was willing to DO something differently. It wasn't a big thing, but it changed my spirit. I also started to study my scriptures instead of just reading them. I would have a question, or an idea in my head so I would look up in the topical guide and find appropriate verses to study. "By simple things are great things brought to pass." Alma 37:6
The third change came just two weekends ago. I had prayed to be enlightened while attending Stake Conference at church. The final speaker was our Stake President. He spoke of our Saviour in Gethsemane. He told of how the Saviour, even Jesus Christ himself, felt every sin and pain ever inflicted on humankind. How He bled from every pore. Then our Stake President said that the Saviour had wept. I was not surprised by this, but when he said that Jesus was a sensitive man, that touched my heart. I have met only a few sensitive men. They were and are strong, mature, loving and respectable men. I began to see the Saviour in a new way. Yes, He is God, but He was also a man. I came away desiring to know Him on a more personal level.
This past week my anger is lifting immensely. I feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost and it's promptings. I feel lighter. I see more of my blessings. I still have my trials. I still face the same daily issues. Life is the same but my perspective is changing more and more for the better.
I just hope my faith and testimony haven't taken such a beaten that I stumble and fall too hard when the next set of challenges and trails come.
As I tell my kids, "All things happen for a reason." I look forward to feeling happiness in abundance again. I look forward to getting to know Jesus as a real person.
May you find peace and happiness in your journey. =)
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Happy Thanksgiving
The leaves are a plethora of beautiful colours, the evergreen trees sit majestically on the mountais with happy little orange and yellow surprises amongst them. The sun was shining and the mountain sparkled when the light rested upon it.
This is part of my reflection. When The Son rests upon us, if we are patiently obeying, how much of His light will reflect and sparkle from us?
I have been fighting a battle again. This has been ongoing for sometime. It snuck in until it grew too large to be ignored. Anger. When you mess with evil feelings they grow larger and can invite more unwelcomed feelings too. Hurt. Resentment. (You get it)
I have been hurting and mad at my Maker for taking my best friend. I needed him here to baptize my two little girls. I have needed Brian when my girls miss him and are crying and I can do nothing to make the hurt go away. As the anger grew, my spirit suffered. My faith weakened. My relationships began to suffer too.
The heavens had slowly been closing their doors and I was no longer basking in His light. The blessings that I had enjoyed so effortlessly were fading and as I look back, that may have been when I began to struggle. As I was required to stand on my own-again.
I am still reading (since I began to homeschool my personal reading is time limited!) Journey to the Veil by John Pontius. I found his words enlightening.
I wish to quote his words, "When we pay the price for some new spiritual growth, we arrive at a spiritual high, or a type of honeymoon period where we bask in the new blessings, the powerful prayers, the peace, and constant revelation. Obedience is there because everything is so wonderful! ...But alas, we are living on borrowed light-the Lord's light. We are glowing with spiritual power that is not our own.
The Spirit begins to withdraw to give us the opportunity to continue in this level of obedience through the darkness...
The adversary whispers, '... See, you're not good enough. You're too weak to maintain any great blessings. '
The truth is that the rise of this additional opposition and loss of spiritual power is part of the plan. It gives us a chance to be tested at this new level of spiritual growth. "
He continues,"We are not lost in some spiritual wilderness but are climbing upward upon the ordained path that leads to eternal vistas.
It is the way of growth."
Phew. That makes me feel better.
Remember when I wrote about a great gift I received from the Lord? I felt unworthy because of the hurt, disappointment and anger I had been experiencing. I was feeling depressed on occasion too and beginning to doubt my worth. John's words are comforting when he says, "We should cease to chastise and punish ourselves because we are struggling. We should cease to berate ourselves because we have not yet conquered every obstacle. We should cease to shame ourselves because we seem to lack the strength to climb out of the hole we find ourselves in."
There is so much to learn in his life. Relying on our Savior is key.
There is so much to be grateful for.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Homeschool
Ok, well I don't like to make it a habit of talking bad about others on my blog, but let's suffice it to say that leaving my children's school to homeschool was a most wonderful decision!
My children and I returned home after an ordeal, and kneeled down to pray. They had just been on an emotional roller coaster. We prayed for the person, and we prayed again for reconfirmation. Seconds after I arose my phone flashed, not once but twice with positive messages about my homeschooling endeavours. Phew!
I had home schooled once with my one of my other children. We tackled it for two years. It was good. In fact, I can see how our relationship grew closer as did her self motivation. My biggest problem was myself. I let others opinions, (which homeschool wasn't super main stream as it is today) affect my thoughts and judgment. I thought she wasn't up to speed with the other kids in a "brick and mortar" school. I worried about how she would grade compared to them. Well, haha no need to have worried, when I placed her back in school, (only because of my worries), she was top of her class with remarkable honours with distinction! Then, when she went on to high school, she entered a PSDL (personal self directed learning) school and there received many scholarships!
So, here I am again tackling homeschool. And as I normally do, I LIKE TO BIT OFF more than I should chew. This time I am teaching my 3 youngest girls. I am working out the transition. HAHAHA!!
I love that I can teach my girls more fully the gospel. No more funky teachers telling my children that good things don't come from God! Crazy. In the mornings, we kneel to pray at the table, sleepy heads leaning on the cushions of the chairs. We have a Book of Mormon study guide that I purchased online and print off pages as we go. I love the conversations we have our thoughts go into deep reflection. How would you feel if your brothers (sisters and brother in our case) beat the snot out of you? And then tried to kill you because you were younger and they did not want you to be a ruler and spiritual leader over them? Would you "frankly forgive them" as Nephi did? (1 Nephi 7:21) Resounding no's I tell you…lol
I knew it would be work, but…I have to read all three girls manuals for math and writing and spelling and and and…then prepare in my mind what I will teach. Luckily, I like the teaching part, once I know the material it is fun to play around with ideas to get us all thinking. But, I am temporarily (?) exhausted.
The exhaustion actually stems from the fighting. Whaaatt? My kids fight? This is the case whenever I have to step out to run an errand or go to voice lessons. The oldest of the three is in grade 7 so I am free to leave them. But seriously? Not only that, but we have some keeners who go so fast that I have to speed read the lesson because I myself haven't read that far ahead and others who like to argue argue argue about getting down to business and lack confidence within themselves (which is entirely unwarranted) and then when they do their work it's fantastic! Geesh. I tell you.
Anyone out there with similar homeschooling experience?
Did I mention that I also started a book club within my ward and with fellow friends? Chew chew chew
My children and I returned home after an ordeal, and kneeled down to pray. They had just been on an emotional roller coaster. We prayed for the person, and we prayed again for reconfirmation. Seconds after I arose my phone flashed, not once but twice with positive messages about my homeschooling endeavours. Phew!
I had home schooled once with my one of my other children. We tackled it for two years. It was good. In fact, I can see how our relationship grew closer as did her self motivation. My biggest problem was myself. I let others opinions, (which homeschool wasn't super main stream as it is today) affect my thoughts and judgment. I thought she wasn't up to speed with the other kids in a "brick and mortar" school. I worried about how she would grade compared to them. Well, haha no need to have worried, when I placed her back in school, (only because of my worries), she was top of her class with remarkable honours with distinction! Then, when she went on to high school, she entered a PSDL (personal self directed learning) school and there received many scholarships!
So, here I am again tackling homeschool. And as I normally do, I LIKE TO BIT OFF more than I should chew. This time I am teaching my 3 youngest girls. I am working out the transition. HAHAHA!!
I love that I can teach my girls more fully the gospel. No more funky teachers telling my children that good things don't come from God! Crazy. In the mornings, we kneel to pray at the table, sleepy heads leaning on the cushions of the chairs. We have a Book of Mormon study guide that I purchased online and print off pages as we go. I love the conversations we have our thoughts go into deep reflection. How would you feel if your brothers (sisters and brother in our case) beat the snot out of you? And then tried to kill you because you were younger and they did not want you to be a ruler and spiritual leader over them? Would you "frankly forgive them" as Nephi did? (1 Nephi 7:21) Resounding no's I tell you…lol
I knew it would be work, but…I have to read all three girls manuals for math and writing and spelling and and and…then prepare in my mind what I will teach. Luckily, I like the teaching part, once I know the material it is fun to play around with ideas to get us all thinking. But, I am temporarily (?) exhausted.
The exhaustion actually stems from the fighting. Whaaatt? My kids fight? This is the case whenever I have to step out to run an errand or go to voice lessons. The oldest of the three is in grade 7 so I am free to leave them. But seriously? Not only that, but we have some keeners who go so fast that I have to speed read the lesson because I myself haven't read that far ahead and others who like to argue argue argue about getting down to business and lack confidence within themselves (which is entirely unwarranted) and then when they do their work it's fantastic! Geesh. I tell you.
Anyone out there with similar homeschooling experience?
Did I mention that I also started a book club within my ward and with fellow friends? Chew chew chew
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Do You Love Me?
I have struggled many times now, wondering if Jesus and Heavenly Father love me as much as they love -you. As I was reading tonight I prayed again, "Do you love me as much as you love them?" Immediately, quietly and tenderly I heard, "I send you Brian."
It's true. He does. He sends me back my deceased best friend when I need him. I feel his closeness and know he's there.
He loves me. I've been angry for so long in my heart. I've been hurting that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ would take away my best and truest friend and companion I had ever had, but He is kind enough to send him back to me, almost daily, to comfort me, testify and teach me and sometimes just "be"with me. How foolish I have been.
It was good to be reminded.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Do You Feel Worthy? REALLY?
Something wonderful happened to me the other day. I don't wish to announce it to the world so let it suffice that I had been wanting an "object" for some time. I prayed about it to make sure I wasn't being greedy, and then one of my younger daughter's reminded me to,"send it out into the universe," because a goal isn't a goal unless written down with a date and specific details. It's just a dream. Well, I followed her advice and did so. That very day as my family and I went looking for this "thing" again, a small miracle happened and we found ourselves in possession of said object.
It was a wonderful surprise. I was shocked. But then I started to weep, then cry. I did not feel I was worthy of such a gift from my Father in Heaven. I felt guilty, confused, selfish, spoiled and sad. Yet, I didn't feel it was a bad choice. (Hard to articulate.) I wondered if I, me, little me, deserved such a thing. My husband was very confused and said we could get rid of it. This was not what I wanted to hear. But, since he does't speak "girl"I decided to translate my girl language for him. I needed to be reassured that I was good enough to have nice things.
I wondered if I had done any good…as the LDS hymn goes, "Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? Have I cheered up the sad or made someone feel glad?…"Had I done anything like this to be worthy? Was Heavenly Father blessing me? I had a hard time accepting that. (#223 Have I Done Any Good?)
So I cried a lot that night. My husband assured me and I had my own spiritual assurance as well. However, as soon as I felt the judgement from a loved one or friend, ouch. The adversary would tell me I didn't deserve anything nice.
Well, Satan- you're wrong!
Let's look at the differences between self worth and self-esteem with some help from Ardeth….=)
"Self worth cannot be earned. It is a part of our divine nature as children of God." (Ardeth G. Kapp, "Doing What We Came To Do" p. 15)
(It's interesting how you can read a book and then feel the need to go back and find what you need. So, here's a whole whack of quotes from her book, cuz I need to quote them for me and for you.)
"Feeling loved, with an assurance of our infinite worth, has a tremendous effect on our ability to accept and love others."
" The source of all righteous love is centred in God. A feeling of who we were, who we are, and who we will always be. We did not come to this earth to gain our worth; we brought it with us."
"Worth is constant and unchanging. It is a fact that worthiness does not determine wort. You cannot sin enough to change your worth to the Lord who loves you. In Jacob 2:21 this principle is explained very clearly: 'And the one being is as precious in his sight as the other."
(check out Psalm 49:8, Alma 31:35 and Isaiah 13:12 as she suggests, to find a little evidence)
"Self-esteem is defined as 'a confidence and satisfaction in oneself' (Meririam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary). In other words, it's your perspective of yourself…Circumstances of life appear to have a tremendous influence on self-esteem, to the extent that people who have been verbally, emotionally or physically abused may even respond as they have been treated…That's a challenge we all face - to not allow our perception of ourselves to be negatively impacted by the way we might sometimes be treated."
(Italics and bold added by me =)
"God loves all of you! From your eyelashes down to your toenails, He sees marvellous perfection. When He looks at you, He does not complain and say, 'Oh, I'd like you better if you had fuller lips and caramel highlights.' That never enters His mind."(Precious in His Sight, Seeing Yourself as God Sees You by Jodi Marie Robinson p. 38…this is another book worth discussing)
So, I have been blessed with many wonderful blessings. My children, my two husbands, (one on either side of the veil), health, wisdom, increasing talents, new experiences, and new "things". Even though that woman at the gym this morning was without body fat, I will think about her on the inside (which probably has no body fat either! haha Just kidding.) I will love my curves and my all my edges* and I will try to remember that I already have worth. My self esteem is my perspective of myself and I will love myself and that should transfer into loving others more. I have already seen a bit of this which I explained in my previous post entitled Summer Milestone. Now if we could just be happy for each other and not jealous….
well, good luck on this journey!!
*(John Legend "All of Me" song )
It was a wonderful surprise. I was shocked. But then I started to weep, then cry. I did not feel I was worthy of such a gift from my Father in Heaven. I felt guilty, confused, selfish, spoiled and sad. Yet, I didn't feel it was a bad choice. (Hard to articulate.) I wondered if I, me, little me, deserved such a thing. My husband was very confused and said we could get rid of it. This was not what I wanted to hear. But, since he does't speak "girl"I decided to translate my girl language for him. I needed to be reassured that I was good enough to have nice things.
I wondered if I had done any good…as the LDS hymn goes, "Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? Have I cheered up the sad or made someone feel glad?…"Had I done anything like this to be worthy? Was Heavenly Father blessing me? I had a hard time accepting that. (#223 Have I Done Any Good?)
So I cried a lot that night. My husband assured me and I had my own spiritual assurance as well. However, as soon as I felt the judgement from a loved one or friend, ouch. The adversary would tell me I didn't deserve anything nice.
Well, Satan- you're wrong!
Let's look at the differences between self worth and self-esteem with some help from Ardeth….=)
"Self worth cannot be earned. It is a part of our divine nature as children of God." (Ardeth G. Kapp, "Doing What We Came To Do" p. 15)
(It's interesting how you can read a book and then feel the need to go back and find what you need. So, here's a whole whack of quotes from her book, cuz I need to quote them for me and for you.)
"Feeling loved, with an assurance of our infinite worth, has a tremendous effect on our ability to accept and love others."
" The source of all righteous love is centred in God. A feeling of who we were, who we are, and who we will always be. We did not come to this earth to gain our worth; we brought it with us."
"Worth is constant and unchanging. It is a fact that worthiness does not determine wort. You cannot sin enough to change your worth to the Lord who loves you. In Jacob 2:21 this principle is explained very clearly: 'And the one being is as precious in his sight as the other."
(check out Psalm 49:8, Alma 31:35 and Isaiah 13:12 as she suggests, to find a little evidence)
"Self-esteem is defined as 'a confidence and satisfaction in oneself' (Meririam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary). In other words, it's your perspective of yourself…Circumstances of life appear to have a tremendous influence on self-esteem, to the extent that people who have been verbally, emotionally or physically abused may even respond as they have been treated…That's a challenge we all face - to not allow our perception of ourselves to be negatively impacted by the way we might sometimes be treated."
(Italics and bold added by me =)
"God loves all of you! From your eyelashes down to your toenails, He sees marvellous perfection. When He looks at you, He does not complain and say, 'Oh, I'd like you better if you had fuller lips and caramel highlights.' That never enters His mind."(Precious in His Sight, Seeing Yourself as God Sees You by Jodi Marie Robinson p. 38…this is another book worth discussing)
well, good luck on this journey!!
*(John Legend "All of Me" song )
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Summer milestone
This summer has held some firsts for me. My first child got married this summer. I turned a "milestone" birthday this year. I also didn't have as hard a time with Brian's anniversary of his death. It still was a very sad day, but not as hard as the years before. (Tomorrow also marks the 4 year anniversary of the day we cremated Brian.) I also travelled on my own and did many things in that regard that I had never done before. Phew! I must finally be growing up!
Truth is, my young life was one where I didn't learn as much independence and gain as much self esteem as I could have and so I continue to try new things, learn new things, discover new talents and better myself as much as possible. Don't get me wrong, I definitely face head on, the worst person who puts me down constantly - me. I need to learn to tell that "me" to take a hike!
Okay, here's a picture of me at my surprise birthday party. My husband threw it for me and I was so…well, surprised! It was by far the best birthday I have ever had. He even sang one of "our" songs in front of everyone. I was very touched.
Now, I realize my thoughts are everywhere. That is because it is late…my hubby was able to get the computer fixed and I am so eager to write to you all.
The biggest milestone for me this summer was JOY. And I think I know why. Yes, time heals all wounds. And yes, time has passed. Months ago while I had a brief pause in my daughters wedding plans, I heard (and this was my spirit hearing his) Brian. The veil was very thin immediately after he passed so it was sweet to hear him again. This time however, he told me to "Love Kevin more." And that was it. This really ticked me off. This was like he grabbed my heart and squeezed. I felt he was ditching me. I felt he was eager to move on and I was holding him back from some type of Heavenly duty. I was angry. (I have been working on my grieving anger so this just added another layer). Of course, I prayed about it and told Heavenly Father how much this hurt and to please help me understand it and love Kevin more. Well, as much as any woman hates to admit that their spouse is right, can you even begin to imagine how it feels to admit your dead husband is right? ;) I found my thoughts were even kinder at times toward Kevin. (Silly that I would even notice that) but the biggest moments were: 1. on my birthday and 2. on our family reunion trip this summer
I had assumed when I turned 40, (ahhh I can't believe I just admitted that to the world! Oh well, let's just be honest with each other, shall we?) I would have a break down. Brian never was 40, he would never be 40 and I was never older than him. This used to cause me great devastation. Yet, here I was, having a peaceful day, a happy day with friends and family who loved me. Kevin had sacrificed so much for me to have a wonderful birthday. (And ladies, I even went shopping earlier that day for jeans and found some that fit me perfectly!! Whoo hoo! How often does that happen? Hey?) And, then he sang. He is not a singer (nor am I, though I try) and he sounded awesome. How can he not, when singing from the heart?
The second memorable moment was on our trip, most especially one specific day. My thoughts were very loving and tender for Kevin that day. "My cup runneth over, with love. We spent our day laughing and having fun like little kids. We would paddle board together out into the lake and try hard to splash or see who could make the other fall off and then giggle in the water. Nothing fancy, just fun. We smiled more at one another, were more courteous and thoughtful and the day was fantastic, (this is how every day was with Brian. If you knew us together, you know it's true.)
This was what I was afraid of. Letting Kevin in to my special "inner circle"of Brian like love. There are circles but the inner circle is the one closest to my heart. This circle is most precious to me and I didn't want anyone else in there. Truth be told, silly me, that circle will always be Brian's special circle but I have discovered that Kevin now has his own inner circle.
Brian, you were right. To my reading friends, have you put two and two together yet? When I loved Kevin more, my heart had to kick out some of the grieving to allow in more love. My hurting is lifting because I am loving more. This journey isn't over. Now my heart is bigger to allow more love for more people. It is sad that I had to experience tragedy in order to learn how to love better.
I would love to hear your stories of how love has healed your heart. Send me an email.
Now because I think my puppy is adorable I had to include him in this blog…hahaha
May God Bless you as you go forward in faith, continuing your journey!
Friday, August 8, 2014
what happens when the wedding is over?
Well, the wedding was, (as I have heard from the guests), like pins on pinterest. I will have to post pictues later since my keyboard isnt working to allow us to log on.
She looked more beautiful than I could even put into words. I felt so old watching my baby girl getting married. I was happy she is marrying into a great family and has a wonderful man who truly cares for her and is tender with her. But, then the day is over, the decorations put away, Bride and Groom gather their suitcases for the honeymoon, hug us goodbye and drive away... the house is still in caos and so is my heart and mind. And not just me either. We cry with memories of her growing up, and all the silly things that drove me crazy...socks on the floor, nail polish spills, messy room...I miss it all and I find an empty hole in my heart as we transiton from me being in charge of her care everyday to her being cared for by her husband everyday with a little mom on the side. I wasnt prepared for this, and yet I was. I feel it was too soon. I wasnt ready to give her up. I know I probaly never would be. The trials we have faced together, especially the passing of Daddy, has drawn us closer than might be expected. I feel excited for her to begin her journey, her own life, but as her Mommy, I want to protect her inside this little bubble and never let her get hurt, know that she is home tucked in bed and safe, kiss her soft face, make her wake up early, eat good food, exercise...ahhh the lfie of a mom. I must have forgotten when I came to earth that this would be hard. How on Earth does Heavenly Father do it? Saying goodbye as we leave His presence and travel to this world? Mind you, time is on His side and not nearly as long as it feels to us.
I am not wollowing in sadness right now, just reflecting.
As I continue to reflect...I feel I should write this down for those moments when I wonder what my purpose is...
As of late I have discovered that people from my far far distant past have contacted me over the years to have me listen, give comfort and advice. If you are reading this and one of them was you, you're not the only one!! It makes me feel of use in this world to be able to help, even in some small measure. So, I thank you for helping me realize I have more purpose than laundry! lol
Maybe you too can start to recognize some of the reasons you are here. I believe everything happens for a purpose. I know people have been put into my life at specific times for specifc reasons. Perhaps you were the one who showed me which way to go in the ariport!
(I'm thinking I am so reflective because today is my bday and older is supposed to be wiser, right? haha)
Here's wishing you may all be happy in your journey today...
She looked more beautiful than I could even put into words. I felt so old watching my baby girl getting married. I was happy she is marrying into a great family and has a wonderful man who truly cares for her and is tender with her. But, then the day is over, the decorations put away, Bride and Groom gather their suitcases for the honeymoon, hug us goodbye and drive away... the house is still in caos and so is my heart and mind. And not just me either. We cry with memories of her growing up, and all the silly things that drove me crazy...socks on the floor, nail polish spills, messy room...I miss it all and I find an empty hole in my heart as we transiton from me being in charge of her care everyday to her being cared for by her husband everyday with a little mom on the side. I wasnt prepared for this, and yet I was. I feel it was too soon. I wasnt ready to give her up. I know I probaly never would be. The trials we have faced together, especially the passing of Daddy, has drawn us closer than might be expected. I feel excited for her to begin her journey, her own life, but as her Mommy, I want to protect her inside this little bubble and never let her get hurt, know that she is home tucked in bed and safe, kiss her soft face, make her wake up early, eat good food, exercise...ahhh the lfie of a mom. I must have forgotten when I came to earth that this would be hard. How on Earth does Heavenly Father do it? Saying goodbye as we leave His presence and travel to this world? Mind you, time is on His side and not nearly as long as it feels to us.
I am not wollowing in sadness right now, just reflecting.
As I continue to reflect...I feel I should write this down for those moments when I wonder what my purpose is...
As of late I have discovered that people from my far far distant past have contacted me over the years to have me listen, give comfort and advice. If you are reading this and one of them was you, you're not the only one!! It makes me feel of use in this world to be able to help, even in some small measure. So, I thank you for helping me realize I have more purpose than laundry! lol
Maybe you too can start to recognize some of the reasons you are here. I believe everything happens for a purpose. I know people have been put into my life at specific times for specifc reasons. Perhaps you were the one who showed me which way to go in the ariport!
(I'm thinking I am so reflective because today is my bday and older is supposed to be wiser, right? haha)
Here's wishing you may all be happy in your journey today...
Thursday, July 3, 2014
less than a month and my daughter gets married!
AHHHH!
We get so very excited about all the decorations, food, guests and the party but when I stop and think about what this means - my little girl is all grown up and leaving our home - I can barely contain myself. The tears were flowing quite easily but now stress has kicked in and the tears are on hold, yet the sweet sorrow in her departing remains.
Here are a few pictures- some from Pinterest and one from another blog of a vintage wedding, which is what she is doing.
We get so very excited about all the decorations, food, guests and the party but when I stop and think about what this means - my little girl is all grown up and leaving our home - I can barely contain myself. The tears were flowing quite easily but now stress has kicked in and the tears are on hold, yet the sweet sorrow in her departing remains.
Here are a few pictures- some from Pinterest and one from another blog of a vintage wedding, which is what she is doing.
We plan on having apothecary jars with candy for the hard ice-cream toppings.
Her colours are mint green and light vintage pink.
We thought about doing this…but opted out.
We have been going crazy with making the bunting. She plans on having it inside the out door tent with some cute lights I picked up at Target.
Check out my Pinterest site for more wedding ideas!
This journey is now crazy people!
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Are PRIDE and FEAR destroying our relationships?
{Note to my friends out there who read this and support me, thank you. Today I received word that I am qualified to hold two certifications for personal training. Whoo hoo!}
That was just a side note to all my friends and family who have been wanting to know my status. Now on to another topic which I have been wanting to write about for some time.
Today I wanted to focus on how pride or the lack of, and fear, can make or break our relationships.
What is this pride?
PRIDE
A lack or absence of humility or teachableness. Pride sets people in opposition to each other and to God. A proud person sets himself above those around him and follows his own will rather than God’s will. Conceit, envy, hardheartedness, and haughtiness are also typical of a proud person.
found here:https://www.lds.org/scriptures/gs/pride
I have had experience with both in my lives. (Who hasn't ?)
Let's be frank, shall we? The people in my life who have not been full of pride are the ones who were the greatest people I have ever met. They were teachable. If I were to ask them to do something that could improve our relationship, they would kindly consider my input, and then put into action the change. This ALWAYS created more harmony and I in turn looked at them with higher regard. I would actually stand in awe that they could be so strong and confident in themselves to let go of pride.
For example: A working husband comes home, tired. He leaves his work behind and lays down on the couch. A wife, also tired from her constant running around with children and household duties sees him there. She kisses his cheek but wishes he would help kids with homework so that she can finish making dinner. Later that evening she tells him this is what she feels could strengthen their relationship. Instead of arguing, he simply helps her from then on.
- How quick are the children of men lifted up in pride:Hel. 12:4–5;
Now, the opposite is also true. (which is so frustrating because these people ALWAYS got it wrong. I think they believed that if they did "not back down" and "proved their point" that they would be respected more, honoured more and be the "big man" so to speak.) Whenever someone would try to make a positive change or suggest a correction in attitude or behaviour, they would not let go of pride. This has cost them many relationships, pushing away those who would love them deeper and stronger. (Which is what they really wanted in the end and most of them are lonely, confused, hurt and angry).
FEAR
Fear can have two meanings: (1) to fear God is to feel reverence and awe for him and to obey his commandments; (2) to fear man, mortal dangers, pain, and evil is to be afraid of such things and to dread them. https://www.lds.org/scriptures/gs/fear?lang=eng&letter=f
I also think that FEAR can also come across as PRIDE. My loved one has a relationship but is often sabotaging it. This person longs to be loved, respected, admired, have a best friend they can trust, but…they have closed their heart for fear of being hurt. (If you think I am talking about you, I probably am ;) but this has also affected me too.) I do know that loving deep inside and then having your heart torn apart in an instant is crushing. I also know the way love feels when all guard is down, trusting the other, letting go to the silliness inside that lifts you and saying all the "cheesy" things like in the movies - (I do love "cheese"!) work's! Your spirit lifts, soars and refuses to come down to the complacency that everyone else knows as "life".
- God hath not given us the spirit of fear:2 Tim. 1:7;
For example: Husband comes home wanting to hold his wife, tell her about his day, but does not because they haven't really had that kind of relationship in years. He fears to make the change.
OR
Wife wants to be held, wants to feel magic and sparks, but then refuses to let her husband touch her for fear she will just be let down, or let him down.
It goes both ways.
I only speak what I have experienced. I too have things I need to work on. Everyone does. The yes tpart about life is that we keep getting chances every single day until we are called back home. So today I will make a new life correction and if I fail, I will wake up, pray for forgiveness and help to succeed and try again. (Just like how we learned to walk, to ride a bike, to feed ourselves).
You and I do not have to simply live. We can be happy, we can "Love like we'll never get hurt". Please take the chance, let go of pride and fear. Allow love to change you. I will too. ;>
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
green shakes
So, my journey as of late…anger. I have found myself angry at my dead husband a lot. (Poor guy, there's no rest for him on the other side of the veil, is there? ;)
I have had a great week and a terrible week at the same time. Some terrible challenges are here and will continue in my future but I also have had some wonderful things come too. One of which was listening to my husband (yes, my new and very much alive husband) tell others how much he loves me and why. Him standing by my side, loving me, sometimes defending me, sometimes protecting me makes our love stronger. So, that was very refreshing!
Now, having said this, it doesn't mean that when I heard the following song on the radio that my heart didn't break all over again.
I will see you again Carrie Underwood
Also today was a great work out! Did I mention that I am now a fully certified personal fitness trainer! Whoo hoo! I did it! So, my fellow training and wonderful friend and I had a magnificent work out. This is what I ate post training! It looks gross and it was yummy!
Found it at fitness magazine.com
I have had a great week and a terrible week at the same time. Some terrible challenges are here and will continue in my future but I also have had some wonderful things come too. One of which was listening to my husband (yes, my new and very much alive husband) tell others how much he loves me and why. Him standing by my side, loving me, sometimes defending me, sometimes protecting me makes our love stronger. So, that was very refreshing!
Now, having said this, it doesn't mean that when I heard the following song on the radio that my heart didn't break all over again.
Also today was a great work out! Did I mention that I am now a fully certified personal fitness trainer! Whoo hoo! I did it! So, my fellow training and wonderful friend and I had a magnificent work out. This is what I ate post training! It looks gross and it was yummy!
Found it at fitness magazine.com
I forgot to take the pic as I was kinda hungry…oops! =)
Journey well friends! Make good choices as this determines your future. =>
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Mother-of -the-Bride
Hello. Sorry to have been away so long. I had a short season of feeling depressed. I go through these at times. Feeling angry at Heavenly Father for taking my husband back home and leaving me…you get the idea. That process worked its way through my system, but I expect it will come again. It all needs to be dealt with.
So, when I felt better I decided to finish my personal fitness training course. I am almost done! Just 3 more intense essays to complete, and this week to complete them. Plus, a two day first aid course! Phew!
On top of that, I may have failed to mention - I am planning a wedding reception for my daughter in our back yard. I have some most wonderful helpers, that's for sure.
That is what brings me to my next topic…I need a hair do. I have med-long hair and want an up-do that is romantic and wispy. My daughter's wedding is vintage with soft muted pinks and mints and beautiful romantic flowers. So, ladies (and gentlemen) any suggestions? I have found 2 pics on the 'net so far.
Facebook me your ideas.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
What are your organs telling you?
I went to a physiotherapist appointment with one of my children and was a pleasantly surprised that she would have these posters in her office about how our organs remember (mostly negative) feelings and that they hold onto them. She seems to be a really great physiotherapist and finds the source of the problem and treats that. (Again, not like so many medical practitioners who simply treat the symptom.) I am loving this new wave of taking care of the whole patient.
I took a few pictures to "prove" what I learned. Here's the link where you can purchase the poster from.
http://shop.barralinstitute.com/Product-List/Charts-and-Posters/Understanding-Your-Organs
The Heart:
fear of being abandoned
excessive attachment
fear of judgement
fear of way of dying
guilt
distrust
joy and happiness
The Intestines:
great need for security and protection
great need to talk
remarkably meticulous
hypochondria
tenancy toward exaggeration and theatrics
slightly
great generosity
mood swings
great faithfulness
obstinate
These were some interesting points to name a few.
As for anything further on this matter…I cannot tell. I do not know. Happy on your journey yet?
I took a few pictures to "prove" what I learned. Here's the link where you can purchase the poster from.
The Heart:
fear of being abandoned
excessive attachment
fear of judgement
fear of way of dying
guilt
distrust
joy and happiness
The Intestines:
great need for security and protection
great need to talk
remarkably meticulous
hypochondria
tenancy toward exaggeration and theatrics
slightly
great generosity
mood swings
great faithfulness
obstinate
These were some interesting points to name a few.
As for anything further on this matter…I cannot tell. I do not know. Happy on your journey yet?
Friday, May 9, 2014
Dark Spots?
I do love my Arbonne and I especially love their Revelâge whitening products without bleach! I currently love the day cream with SPF 30. I glow when I wear it which makes me look younger!
But, I did stumble on this at everydayhealth.com. Who doesn't like to experiment?
"Lemon juice and red onions are naturally acidic, and when combined together, they create a gentle-yet-effective at-home alternative to dark spot and hyperpigmentation treatments that are often formulated with harsh chemicals.
For best results, Michael Lin, MD, a board-certified dermatologist in Beverly Hills, California, suggests blending ¼ of a red onion with freshly squeezed lemon juice before applying it to the desired area with a Q-tip. After 10 to15 minutes, wash off the homemade treatment with a mild cleanser."
Let me know your results!
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
The Son is shining! The sun is shining!
How grateful I am for the gospel. How grateful I am for other people's experiences that teach me. How grateful I am for other people's talent. A short time ago, my husband, and I with some family members went to the movie (based on a true story) Heaven is For Real. I have been reading much about near death experiences and so was not shocked by what was said. I saw wet eyes, and tears running down peoples cheeks, and I heard much sniffling throughout the theatre. I cried and covered my face when they showed fire. The best parts for me were when they spoke about the Saviour's eyes. The theatre fell silent. Again, at the end when they showed His face, the theatre took on a reverence. It was fantastic! So many people learning about/remembering our Saviour, Jesus Christ and being respectful. Often in secular films depicting the Saviour, this is not the case. Films miss the mark.
I also very much enjoyed the fact that what he sees verifies much of what we already know as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I also read on the internet that the Heaven is For Real movie beat out Captain America in the box office. Wow!
Here's a clip for you:
http://youtu.be/mydh4MEo2B0
Colton's youtube story is here: http://youtu.be/hhT36Dizo2s
I hope you get the chance to see it. If you have had any experience with Heaven, I hope you'll ponder on these things and continue to learn more about them on our journey called life. =)
I also very much enjoyed the fact that what he sees verifies much of what we already know as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I also read on the internet that the Heaven is For Real movie beat out Captain America in the box office. Wow!
Here's a clip for you:
Colton's youtube story is here: http://youtu.be/hhT36Dizo2s
I hope you get the chance to see it. If you have had any experience with Heaven, I hope you'll ponder on these things and continue to learn more about them on our journey called life. =)
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Spring time?!
Okay, so when Easter Sunday came I found my faith being tried. I heard some great talks about the resurrection in our Church sacrament meeting, but they brought me to tears. We believe that Jesus was already brought back to life, his body and spirit are reunited, never to be separated again. And I accept this, I believe this. I also look forward to the day when I can hug my late husband again, but why did this year affect me so badly? I ended up leaving church early and crawling into bed. My family went to Grandma and Grandpa's and I stayed home. By mid afternoon the next day, I was back to my normal self. Bizzare? Perhaps not. I'd say normal.
On the following day I found myself with Brian's sweater on, shovel in one hand and flower bulbs in the other. Playing in the dirt is healing for me. I hadn't really done any gardening since the spring before Brian's accident. It felt so good.
Here are some things I just recently re-posted on my Pinterest board under backyard style:
On the following day I found myself with Brian's sweater on, shovel in one hand and flower bulbs in the other. Playing in the dirt is healing for me. I hadn't really done any gardening since the spring before Brian's accident. It felt so good.
Here are some things I just recently re-posted on my Pinterest board under backyard style:
This was found at Martha Stewart, however, someone posted that they used 2x2's instead and it was much cheaper.
Wow! I love this. I have no where to hang it yet, but I will keep this in mind.
Cruise on over to my Pinterest and see what other spring-inspiring things you see.
Happy Journeying!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Because of Him
Happy Easter Everyone
I have believed in the Resurrection for years, but since my husband died I cherish this precious gift even more.
A reason to be happy on our journey =}
Monday, April 14, 2014
Video
Someone shared this with me. It's exactly how I felt for the first 2or more years of my new marriage
Here's the link: http://youtu.be/Tyj0hZrYJnI
DIY and Home Organization
On Sunday as I re-entered the hall I heard the speaker, "airplane…meet their maker…" and that was it, I couldn't enter the chapel. I swiftly exited the building and texted my hubby to let me know when the speaker was finished and if he could please comfort my little girls. (Chances were, and I was correct, that they were too busy drawing and quietly chatting with their cousins to really be paying much attention.) A sweet sister came outside and asked if I was okay (we call each other sisters btw). I was holding it together until she said that. Out came the big ugly cry face, and the tears poured out. I am grateful for her for noticing and giving me a hug.
Okay, so enough of that…
Some time ago my Husband took me out on a fabulous date. We had a fantastic dinner out and then we went to Mary Poppins! It was so great. If you ever get the opportunity - I recommend it.
And onto other things…I have had these pictures waiting to be posted to my blog for some time. I was tired of charging cords hanging all over the place so my husband and I cut out holes in our new night stands and voila!
(Open your drawer first)
We bought these at Staples
His
& hers
Okay, so hang on to your seats cuz there's more…
I was also very tired of having packages of spices in baskets and really just a big mess in my cupboard so one day I tackled this, (and our sweet Sister Missionaries stopped by and helped me finish up!)
My daughter helped me find every blue coloured lid at the dollar store! This entire container collection was under $30! (excluding the spices of course and including the smaller Ikea containers)
However, even the bigger glass containers would not hold the large bulk spices.
I bought these smaller Ikea containers because the dollar store ones did not close properly.
I didn't want to buy the expensive labels so instead I bought dollar store labels, and since I had chalk board paint, with help from another daughter, we painted them first.
Well friends, even though I do my very best, it's still a difficult journey but I am trying to be happy in it. =} How are you making out in your life's journey?
Monday, April 7, 2014
I just want you to understand
My closest friends have said I should be more honest with how my days truly are, how my life really is. What do I feel? What have I gone through? Well, that is, "easy for them to say. I want to share with the world my difficulties in order to help someone else, but I also want to share my triumphs with others too. Why is it so hard to be "real"? Because not everyone is ready for it, and some (more than I wish to say) get their feelings hurt.
It has been boiling down to this: me being willing to take the plunge. I figure those that were sitting on the fence, or being somewhat forced to be a part of my life due to the change is circumstances will either grow closer because they understand and care, be oblivious, or they will distance themselves. All the other people like this have already left my life in judgement. Some have been furious and others are seeming to make their way back.
Truth hurts. I hurt. My kids hurt. We hurt when others forget that we are still healing and ignore the look of pain in our eyes when they talk about Daddy's, death, fires, fire trucks, airplane crashes, birthdays, baptisms, Christmases, Halloweens, weddings etc. We trust that for the most part people aren't naturally trying to be mean. The truth is, if I had been 75 years old and my husband had died, I would have been treated differently than I am. But I am young & my children are young.
Our children. My children. I love them so deeply. The accident shifted my heart in ways I did not expect. Yes, I loved them before, but I have to admit I loved Brian deeper. He was the only one who truly loved me unconditionally. He was always there, and he treated me like a Queen. When He died I went through a difficult time of wanting to be where Brian was and no one on earth could change that feeling. I had never been loved before like Brian loved me. (I have no siblings, and my family is…distant.) (Those who have suffered the loss of someone close are not shocked by this fact. Stages of grief, my friends… stages of grief.) When these feelings subdued, I recognized a deeper love for my girls, and a much deeper sense of protection.
So, my children and I have a new life, a new home, a new church family and a new family; a blended family at that. On paper it sounds uncomplicated but it has so many layers. I see how we (and they) try to fit in, but we always miss the mark. We are loved but not the same way. My joys and that of my children are not reciprocated as equally and this hurts but if you say anything then our hurt becomes greater, deeper, as others attack you for the way you feel. We need to talk and let everything out, but now-a-days there are few left to listen (unless you pay them to, I guess).
So, today I sit with exciting news inside my heart, but a deep sadness that I cannot share wholeheartedly. A sadness that this joy may be addressed briefly while others' news may take precedence. This is often the case. (Being hurt, means being sensitive.)
I was told by a Dr. that the best medicine is to be the best person you can be every day and that the healing would work itself out. I have been, silly! He doesn't know me except for a few minute sessions, but that's okay. I agree with that philosophy.
Someone from my church ward texted me, which I thought was super sweet. I have been feeling like I have no friends ever since we moved; feeling very alone. I do extend myself and make an effort. (The irony here is that whenever I say this out loud, people think I am joking. They have said I look like I have it all together--the prefect life. I have people who are jealous of me. Crazy. They don't want the life I have led. What are they thinking? I have to work super hard to be strong, courageous and still vulnerable so that my heart does not go hard. Maybe I make it look easy. hahah ;) Seriously, I am laughing a funny laugh here.)
So, what does your day look like for you? Are you struggling too? Reality is-we all are. Can we try to love one another for our differences? I am trying to love those who have turned their backs on me and continue to hurt me. I know they don't understand.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (of which I am a part) held it's 184th General Conference this past weekend. I heard this talk and loved it. I will watch it and read it again. Right now I share it with you.
It has been boiling down to this: me being willing to take the plunge. I figure those that were sitting on the fence, or being somewhat forced to be a part of my life due to the change is circumstances will either grow closer because they understand and care, be oblivious, or they will distance themselves. All the other people like this have already left my life in judgement. Some have been furious and others are seeming to make their way back.
Truth hurts. I hurt. My kids hurt. We hurt when others forget that we are still healing and ignore the look of pain in our eyes when they talk about Daddy's, death, fires, fire trucks, airplane crashes, birthdays, baptisms, Christmases, Halloweens, weddings etc. We trust that for the most part people aren't naturally trying to be mean. The truth is, if I had been 75 years old and my husband had died, I would have been treated differently than I am. But I am young & my children are young.
Brian is on the left.
Our children. My children. I love them so deeply. The accident shifted my heart in ways I did not expect. Yes, I loved them before, but I have to admit I loved Brian deeper. He was the only one who truly loved me unconditionally. He was always there, and he treated me like a Queen. When He died I went through a difficult time of wanting to be where Brian was and no one on earth could change that feeling. I had never been loved before like Brian loved me. (I have no siblings, and my family is…distant.) (Those who have suffered the loss of someone close are not shocked by this fact. Stages of grief, my friends… stages of grief.) When these feelings subdued, I recognized a deeper love for my girls, and a much deeper sense of protection.
So, my children and I have a new life, a new home, a new church family and a new family; a blended family at that. On paper it sounds uncomplicated but it has so many layers. I see how we (and they) try to fit in, but we always miss the mark. We are loved but not the same way. My joys and that of my children are not reciprocated as equally and this hurts but if you say anything then our hurt becomes greater, deeper, as others attack you for the way you feel. We need to talk and let everything out, but now-a-days there are few left to listen (unless you pay them to, I guess).
So, today I sit with exciting news inside my heart, but a deep sadness that I cannot share wholeheartedly. A sadness that this joy may be addressed briefly while others' news may take precedence. This is often the case. (Being hurt, means being sensitive.)
I was told by a Dr. that the best medicine is to be the best person you can be every day and that the healing would work itself out. I have been, silly! He doesn't know me except for a few minute sessions, but that's okay. I agree with that philosophy.
Today
My motivation today was the dentist and groceries. Get those done and perhaps make some time for me and study my fitness trainers programme. (yes, still!) I felt the need to blog and so I am taking me time to do to just that. I still feel like a cloudy day, but I am not genuinely unhappy. The drive to take care of my kids and my family keeps me running, and today I will run again as soon as the kids get home, until 8 pm tonight. I have only allowed my children to be involved in one extracurricular each, but this still keeps me hopping.Someone from my church ward texted me, which I thought was super sweet. I have been feeling like I have no friends ever since we moved; feeling very alone. I do extend myself and make an effort. (The irony here is that whenever I say this out loud, people think I am joking. They have said I look like I have it all together--the prefect life. I have people who are jealous of me. Crazy. They don't want the life I have led. What are they thinking? I have to work super hard to be strong, courageous and still vulnerable so that my heart does not go hard. Maybe I make it look easy. hahah ;) Seriously, I am laughing a funny laugh here.)
So, what does your day look like for you? Are you struggling too? Reality is-we all are. Can we try to love one another for our differences? I am trying to love those who have turned their backs on me and continue to hurt me. I know they don't understand.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (of which I am a part) held it's 184th General Conference this past weekend. I heard this talk and loved it. I will watch it and read it again. Right now I share it with you.
Here's the link: President Dieter F. Uchtdorf LDS General Conference
I am not pretending. I am trying hard to be happy on this journey! Join in?
=)
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